To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

Yes YABU, I'm sorry OP but you need to put your big girl boots on. It's not about you, it's about your children seeing their father, and however much you may despise the new GF she is also a part of their life now.

You sound like a spoilt child grow up. Like it or not he has children with this woman your son's half siblings. Are you saying if you are in a relationship with someone or get into a relationship your SO won't be allowed to attend anything as his stepdad? My ex had a daughter with someone else. Because his daughter told her mother

I couldn't do something as I was busy with DC who was a baby at the time. Her mother said to my ex oh Nellie should come first she was here first. Her mother was an only child and ex's daughter was also an only child until she was a teenager. So she was the only child on that side of the family and the centre of their universe. But that's exactly who you remind me of.

I would understand the hurt feelings, but if weekend stays are allowed assume this is with his new wife, why would events not be allowed?

I think kids do struggle when they are with the non residential parents and feeling like they belong, but it's easier for them if they are not torn between two. I expect if your son is asked he won't know how to answer. I get your frustration at him not attending alone, but if he was to, at what point would his new wife be allowed at events?

This creates conflicting feelings for our kids, it's best to encourage a relationship, unless there's a major red flag to not. My daughter and stepdaughter had 4 parents at our wedding, a mum, a dad, a step mum and a step dad.

It will hurt and I understand your emotions, but I am a better version with my husband and my ex is a better version with his wife than we ever were together. And I definitely have a better version of my husband... I would not have put up with him! things his ex has said (not in a malicious way)

If my partners ex wife didn’t want me at their son’s school events, I wouldn’t go - regardless of whether he did or not.

As much as I absolutely adore the kid, and I’d love to be there - they’re both his parents and always will be. I wouldn’t go somewhere I wasn’t welcome, I’d tell him to just go by himself so he could see it.

Luckily, we don’t have any of this and she’s now more likely to ask if I am going than say I can’t, the bitterness has kind of passed. But early on I’d send him off to days out and school events with her and just wait at home.

Lots of nasty people on here tonight. No need for it.

This

Agreed.

OP, this may hurt - he wasn't happy in your relationship, he has now found someone better suited to him. It happens, hopefully it'll happen for you too. It really doesn't sound like he is being spiteful, he just wants to see his kids and he wants his wife there with him. In the long run I don't think it'll work out well for you to be actively denying him this - especially if your children inevitably find out.

Move on.

I think posters are being harsh here. It's obvious that this man has hurt you very deeply, and you see his now-wife having the life you once wanted, and that must be very tough. Gently though, you need to move on - he has. Maybe you should seek out some therapy to help you?

It's the children though who are caught up in the middle of this, and for their sake, I'm afraid you are going to have to suck it up, and put your big girl pants on. He may or may not have changed for this woman, but he's not your problem any more, and if he wants to step up and be the dad he always should have been, then it's not fair of you to prevent the children having that relationship. I know it must be hard for you to share your kids with another woman, but you will always be their mum no matter what. And they will grow to resent you if they ever find out you have been obstructing their relationship with their dad.

He's probably not as perfect as he appears - it's easy to put on a show and you've been his partner and you know that you are better off without him. Get your 'revenge' as it were by holding your head high and moving forward with your best life. Who's to know what the future holds for him?

It's every night sadly.

I'm sorry but you come across as very jealous and you are being very unreasonable to your DC. You need to grow up and move on. You sound like my exH.

1. I would stop being the gate keeper, get him to be sent all the school dates and letters too. Then it’s up to him to show up or not. If it’s 2 parents per child allowed obviously you and the ex should go. If there’s no number cap let the new wife come too, whatever.

I BET if you propose this arrangement she won’t be so keen to come anyway.

2. So what she’s 10 years younger and glamorous. Make sure you are making time for yourself in terms of exercise, healthy eating and self care and feel the best you can be. Maybe your ex & his wife need to step up a bit with the care of your children to make sure you have that time too and aren’t run ragged while he plays happy families with his new family.

I’ve only just joined today and think I’ll delete my account. Obviously not a supportive safe space with helpful advice just seems a load of bitter women taking their anger out on people!

Also involves showing kindness to others 😉

The shoe would never be on the other foot because she does most of the parenting.

Is there any need to be so vile?

How do your kids feel? Would they rather their dad were there even if it meant his new wife being there? If the answer is yes then that’s what needs to happen. You’re allowed to feel hurt and frustrated, but not to get in the way of the kids seeing their dad if they are comfortable with his new wife. That’s literally it - if you block all the way they will end up knowing that you created a barrier to access with their dad once they are older and that won’t reflect well on you, unless you have safeguarding reservations which it doesn’t sound that you do.

didn’t even want our kids

Why did you have children with this man? You sound like you made very bad life choices, and are making another one now by not accepting that legally your exes wife is their step mother. One day your kids will figure out you are stopping them being part of their dad's family, and they may not be too happy about that.

If he can’t do anything without his wife

When does your DS see his father on his own

I sort of get why you would feel annoyed.
From what you say he not only rubs his new family life in your face but he is probably doing the same with your DS.

His DS gets shown EOW how differently he treats his shiny new family and the disparity of how he treated him. So much so he can’t bare to be on his own with him or make his DS the focus of his attention

It’s never claimed to be a safe space. Mumsnet is an international forum with millions of posters.

"Thank you. He spends so much time with his wife and children when I had to (unsuccessfully) beg him to do the same with me and my kids. Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children?"

So why are you trying to stop him coming to events that would help this situation and make them feel a little more wanted?

Two wrongs don't make a right. Your kids have two parents who both refuse to put them first. Be the bigger person. Your kids will realise when they're older their Dad never put them first, that's his problem, do you really want them to know the same is true of you?

I really can’t agree with this more.
My dad was a complete CF never focused on us, cheated then married woman without any of us (3 children) knowing.
I will always remember it was my mum who was there for us every single time (just like they will with you) but I do know she limited things like this because of “her” and it is something I still hold a bit of resentment towards her for.

you have clearly had to deal with a lot, please don’t make your relationship with your kids harder when they grow up.

as hard as it is ignore them if they come or be civil and be that mum who cheers the loudest for your kids. They will make their own minds up and believe me (from experience) it will be in your favour.

let them come and then have a glass (or 3 😂) of wine after

There are many blended families. People have to work at this for the sake of the children, and that's what you need to do now.
You need to find a way of moving forward because this is not good for your children.

Your kids are missing out because you can’t cope with your jealousy, which isn’t fair on them.

I completely understand how you feel.

I can’t stand when people feel the need to take their partners everywhere, especially when it comes to biological kids.

I think it’s so important that biological kids spend time alone with their biological parent.

If this was a couple of weeks after they met, then i would 100% be on your side but they are married now and it’s time to put your own feelings aside and put your kids feelings first.

This is exactly right. EOW is not a lot of contact. I bet they don’t get any time with just him.