To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

If I refused to go to my DSD's important events I'd be handed my arse on a plate.

It starts with Christmas concerts but it will build up to graduations and weddings and things like that and the children may want their step mum there.

You need to come to grips with the fact that you chose to stay, at least for that time, in a relationship with someone who didn't want to marry you.

You need to come to grips with the fact that you chose to stay, at least for that time, in a relationship with someone who wasn't willing to stay home every/any night for you.

You need to come to grips with the fact that you chose to, or accidentally ended up, having a child with that person.

You are annoyed he is doing as he pleases, because you are annoyed he didn't want to please you.

But you are totally missing the point, which is that he is allowed to turn up for his child, it's good that he's turning up for his child, and you don't get to dictate how or with whom he does that.

You couldn't even get him to do what you wanted while you were together, so it's really really pointless to expect or hope you can do so now. Now, he effectively doesn't owe you any of that stuff anymore! Frustrating because of past (real or perceived) slights I'm sure, but true nonetheless.

Exactly she's either part of the family or she isn't

I’ve said before he can go to things but she can’t

But you have absolutely no control over who attends school events. It's not even a little bit up to you. It makes you sound a bit mad that you think you can control this.

Him not prioritising his children is a separate issue.

Grow up and put your kid first.

one day they’ll be weddings etc to navigate. Get a grip now.

Why should she expect to be able to go to all events?!

If it was me I know I would give them the space to parent.

It seems to me to be about what he wants. And I’m not interested in going along with what men want.

Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children

Nah, not buying that.

Parents cause more damage and hurt to their children when they can't act like adults over a split, than the actual split could ever cause.

If parents grew up a bit more, there wouldn't be so many fucked up kids out there.

Where is the wife when your son visits his home? Do they not live together?

@DeepRoseFish utter tosh!

Honestly, why shouldn't she? They're not 'parenting' together at an event. They can sit opposite sides of the hall if need be.

And the OP has stated - over and over again - that this is about her feelings and how it makes her feel, NOT the kids.

Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children

So you think they would prefer not to see him at all?

@DeepRoseFish

"It seems to me to be about what he wants. And I’m not interested in going along with what men want."

I think you've been reading a different OP to the rest of us.

Seems literally everyone has missed the main question here. What does your child want? Ask them do they want just daddy to be there or daddy and whatever wife is called. If they want them both there then you’re just going to have to ignore them you don’t need to speak to them or even look at them. Can you take someone along with you so you don’t feel so alone? If child wants just daddy to come then daddy needs to put child first.

also I think people need to remember there is someone on the other end of this screen reading your messages and a lot of you are very nasty. Would you speak this way to a friend or would you give your opinion on the matter in a kind and thoughtful manner? A lot of nasty women on here it seems

When you have a new partner are you going to be OK with them being banned from any events involving your children?
The more people who love and want to support/champion your child the better. When they are older and ask dad why they weren't at events are you prepared for the conversation about stopping him because you are annoyed he moved on and sound jealous of the person who has the life you wanted. It's not easy but you really should try to put what your child wants first.

It's "treat them as your own" until you do and then "you're not a parent".

😐

How do you propose to stop him attending events? You don't have any control over whether he brings her to a sports event/school show.

Ha, have you actually read OP's comments?

"Do you want that nasty mean lady who Daddy left us for and makes Mummy feel bad about herself at your school play? Because if you do that would make Mummy really sad. Oh, you don't? Good boy, I'll tell Daddy that you hate her and don't want her there. You're such a good little helper for Mummy!"

Unless this is reverse (which I’m wondering if it is) there comes a point when you need to be an adult and think of your kids wellbeing above your own hurt feelings. You can hate him and hate the fact he married this woman and is a “changed man” and also prioritise your children’s wellbeing and allow their dad to attend events with their stepmum.

Please step up for them. If you continue like this they will really start to resent and blame YOU.

Sooner or later he’ll clock on, call the school and have letters sent directly to him as well. He’s perfectly at liberty to do so.

In the meantime I’d be very careful no one says ‘parental alienation’ to you.

Especially if you’re saying things like ‘it hurts my child to see them together’. Small children don’t say things like that unprompted. Most adults know this.

If he wouldn't marry you, and this is something which bothers you, why did you have kids with him?

Cannot believe you've banned him from kids events; you have no right to do this.

This is absurd. You are being absolutely unreasonable

This all sounds very unhappy, spiteful and bitter.
Poor kids.

OP take the ( almost unanimous) feedback on board and be the bigger person for the sake if your children.

You sound very jealous. I understand why you would, he's improved himself and she gets a better version than you did. That's not your fault. But you can't bar him and your kids' stepmother from school events. If more than two family members can attend then he can bring her. Barring them both denies your kids a relationship with their father.

Because you never allowed it?

Maybe he wasn't the big family man when he was with you. But people do change and it sounds like he is interested in stepping up now but you make it difficult for him.

That is so unfair on your child. He deserves love and attention from both parents.