To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

I completely agree that biological parents should see their kids without their new partners being there all of the time.

But OP has been extremely difficult when it comes to seeing the kids and now wants him to have even less/nothing to do with them, purely out of jealousy for his new wife.

I guess she hopes that they’ll get back together or something.

She is their step mum and sees them EOW and so it’s not like they don’t see her.

It is not up to OP to dictate who the dad brings along.
If he wants to bring his wife, mum, other child etc then that’s up to him as their parent, just like OP can too.

If this was a new gf id 100% be on OP’s side but this is his wife and her kids step mum and OP is just jealous and controlling, which is not fair when it’s the kids who suffer.

What a twisted attitude. It’s not “putting his wife first” if he doesn’t want to play along to your rules which you have no entitlement to set in the first place.

My husband has an ex just like you. Bitter, jealous and constantly trying to belittle him for everything he does “wrong” when he doesn’t want to abide by her crazy rules. She moves 3 hours away to an area she knew nobody because she fell out with her family, then slated him for not prioritising his kids and moving with them! All the while of course withholding access. We dragged her to court because there was just no reasoning.

Don’t be like that OP! You need to get on with your life rather than constantly looking at your ex and his perceived better life with someone else. You don’t want her there because she is glamorous and you are (by the sounds of it) not! So you don’t want people to think badly of you. Why not make more of yourself and become a person you would rather be?

I hope he takes you to court and you lose the children. They are not your property and you are not allowed to cut him out of their lives because you feel jealous about his new life.

OP you’ve gone way too far. You need to stop.

You have to move on for the kids, let him and his wife come, he’s right they do come as a package and you need to take the moral high ground and let them get on with it.

I have been accused of withholding access to my ex.

It went to mediation as his new partner thought it was me stopping him. But I could prove that it was me who tried to get contact and him not turning up and refusing to see her etc.
We even set up a new arrangement in mediation and he didn’t even stick to it for even 1 time.

My biggest argument was why would I withhold contact, as why would I not want a break from my child to have an evening out or just have an early night.
I used to beg him to see his DC and he would refuse.

I used to believe that it was just something men said, so people felt sorry for them and they would get out of their responsibilities.

But now I see that women actually do stop men seeing their kids and it’s actually shocked me!

It doesn’t benefit anyone though.
Every person loses out in this situation.
I guess for some people, punishing someone else is more important than anything else.

Exactly - why would anyone do that to their child?

But then you encounter somebody who clearly can’t put their kids before themselves and their feelings of bitterness and jealousy. Of course this wasn’t the o my thing I witnessed which was harmful to the children.

My husband's ex is like you. And it hurts the children deeply.

He is absolutely allowed to have a loving relationship with his children and not be married to you any more. You may not like it, or him, but you have to love your children MORE than you hate him.

The opposite of love, by the way, is not hate - it's indifference. For your own good, you need to get yourself to this place.

My ex won't do anything for his kids unless his partner is with him. Delegated all childcare to her (more cool her) and the kids used to complain he never spent any quality time without her, so I understand how you feel from the perspective of wishing your kids could have better 1-2-1 time with their dad, but stopping him seeing the kids because they're playing happy families is wrong.

Plus the fact school can and do have the capacity to hold contact details for both parents so this sort of thing doesn't happen.

Sorry op, I know it's frustrating and upsetting but you need to put the work in so the anger and resentment doesn't eat you alive. Get the school to contact him direct, stop using your dc as a weapon and get some counselling to deal with how you feel.

Your DC wouldn't know that 'she gets treatment I didn't get' unless you've told them this. They wouldn't know that he wouldn't marry you if you hadn't told them. They wouldn't know he didn't want children with you if you hadn't told them And that was wrong of you. The 'troubles' between parents should be kept between the parents. You have and are poisoning them against him to punish him for not loving you 'enough'. And now you are trying to change their names and cut him completely out of their lives? And you're doing this purely out of spite.

Do you not see that you are the catalyst in all this? That he would have a good relationship with his children and see them more often if you weren't continually finding ways to block this? And don't tell me that you don't tell the children how awful he is because I won't believe you.

I know someone who did this and it came back to bite her in the arse, big time. When they were older their dad got back in touch and told them the truth, that she put up roadblocks to their relationship. As a result they know that their mother was to blame, not their father. Their relationship with their mother will never be the same, the trust is broken. They regard her with suspicion and limit their time with her.

You really, really need to think long term about this. Not just the satisfaction you might think you'll feel in the 'right now'.

To be fair you are handing him evidence to support him getting 50/50. And you can't remove his name from them 🤦‍♀️

Honestly you sound like an absolute nightmare ex. He’s your child’s father ffs, and she is their step mother. Your relationship didn’t work. He’s happier elsewhere. Stop showing him why that is every single day and start putting your child first.

He didn’t leave because he doesn’t want a relationship with his child, he left because he didn’t want a relationship with you.

By your own admission the step mother sounds like a perfectly good woman. She could be the wicked step mother who treats your child poorly and stops ex having a relationship with his child. But it sort of sounds like that is what you’d prefer.

Let your child love and be loved by all parents (step included) who try to make the effort to build that relationship. What’s better than two parents cheering a child on at sports day? Three mature, kind, loving and selfless ROLE MODELS. So get over yourself.

I'm not saying his behaviour is OPs fault or he isn't a POS for the way he's behaved towards them. OP is responsible for her own behaviour in having kids with someone who clearly wasn't into it and showed no signs of commitment to her. She had the choice to walk away and didn't, it's not fair to make the kids suffer and miss out on a relationship with their dad because she's jealous.

OP has shown by her posts to be immature, selfish and vindictive.
OP has said that he did not want children with her but has not specified how she either pressurised him or tricked him into getting her pregnant, whether it was a "failed" contraceptive pill, a hole in a condom, taking the opportunity when he'd had one too many, or just begging, wheedling and blackmailing.
In the same situation, if a woman posted here was describing OP as a partner, she'd be told to LTB.
In a story as old as time, the abusive ex is jealous of the new partner and using the children as weapons to attempt to maintain control.

He's not a POS.

Next step for him is to get full custody of those kids before OP does any more damage.

Parental alienation is a deeply harmful thing.
Get therapy and sort yourself out.
You are behaving really shamefully.

Wow... Change their names and refuse contact. Your no more of a parent than he is. Can really see why he left, was you this much of a manipulator to dictate and control to get what you wanted when you were together? ... If so, no wonder why he's now happily married to someone other than you.

I wasn't going to do this, a nasty to the point post. But my 14 year old daughter felt similar and I have guided her, guided my ex, it took time, patience and a lot of emotional intelligence. To cast ones feelings aside for the best possible outcome for our children. Yes, I wanted to rip his head off when she asked me 'what's wrong with me, as dad doesn't involve me like the others'. Some gentle guidance for her, support and a frank conversation with him (many over the years). And I am happy to say my kid has a good relationship with him now. Parent alienation is a form abuse. Get help for the sake of your children.

It makes me sad that you wouldn’t want your children to be in a loving home, when they’re not with you.

I get that early on it might be jarring for someone else to be caring for your kids, but would you rather they weren’t cared for?

Personally I’ve always thought it was a benefit for my stepdad to be interested in us, for my sisters partner to support her kids, and for my stepson to have a decent environment whether he’s with us or his mum.

I understand that his wife having contact with your child makes you feel uncomfortable, but bear in mind, your son won’t be happy when he grows up and learns that you prevented him from having a relationship with his father because of this. You are sacrificing your son’s happiness in relation to his father by taking this position.

You are hilarious. They have children - plural. So you have decided she tricked him into getting pregnant - mutiple times? Calm down, she hasn't done anything to anyone she has merely come to an online anonymous forum to say she doesn't like that her ex brings his wife to all school events.
Yes maybe immature and jealous - those are normal emotions for a situation like this - it hardly warrants such over the top baying mob reaction. People calling for her children to be taken away from her for a few comments online. Get a grip.

@Brightspark3 why did you post AIBU? Oh of course, so you could have your beliefs and feelings validated! This situation isn’t about you, it’s about their children being better off with a relationship with their father. You are dismissing what people here are telling you. You are being selfish and immature.

It happens. She knew he didn't want kids, and yet, somehow, here they are with more than one kid. It takes 2 people to choose effective contraception and only 1 to sabotage it.

She hasn't merely said she doesn't like it that her ex brings his wife to events. She's said she has actively forbidden him from attending with her and is now attempting to change the children's names and stop him being in their lives at all, not because he brings her to events, but simply because she's more glamorous than him and they seem happy together.

There is nothing about this level of jealousy and possessiveness over a relationship that ended years ago which could be described as "normal".

Yes, we're saying her children should be taken from her, because she's saying she wants to take the children from their other parent and will do everything in her power to sabotage that relationship!

I understand why you are so unhappy and angry, I think many secretly would agree with you, you're only human. But time to put the children first and make peace, your ex and his wife could prove to be very helpful, you don't need to do it alone.

Online people admit things and say things they wouldn't say out loud in real life but these feelings are more common than you think.

Suggesting that the OP may have raped her husband in order to become pregnant mutiple times against his will is ludicrous in the extreme. Unplanned pregnancies also exist and I don't know why you would jump to such weird conclusions of holes in condoms and rape. As you say contraception is the responsibility of both people. As he was the one who didn't want children he at least as culpable if not more for getting her pregnant despite that.

She won't be able to change the names without fathers agreement ( if the father is on the birth certificate) but what's so inherently horrifying about the children having her name instead? It's just misogyny to maintain that children should have the father's name and be so outraged at the idea they have their mothers.

You making so many things up as are other posters feeding off each other's bile and outrage.

Nowhere in her posts does she say she has actively forbidden her ex from seeing the children. He has them every other weekend and she has only not informed him of school events which it should be his responsibility to find out about himself

Grow up!
And put your kids first.

OP says:

"I’ve already started the process of changing their names to mine. I don’t want him to have a role in their lives and I certainly don’t want her to."

Sounds like she's ready to do everything in her power to stop them from having a relationship with their father and has no intention of putting the kids above her own petty feelings. I have no doubt the pregnancies were "unplanned". At least, not by him.

She states that she's actively told him he is not allowed to attend if he brings his wife. Considering how she's been on this thread, I'm not surprised he does not want to be around her without his wife present, but probably also does not want to cause conflict at his children's events.

There will be a bunny boiling in a pot on his stove soon! Christ.
I could understand (not condone) your feelings in the OP but changing their names, because you don’t want either of them involved in the children’s lives 🤦🏻‍♀️😵‍💫