To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

Exactly this. This isn't just a girlfriend, she is a permanent fixture. If anything you should want to make an ally out of her.

OP hasn't stopped contact and she can't prevent the father from attending school events. There's nothing to stop him going if he could be bothered to find out when the events are. Op didnt even say she wants to prevent the father from attending, rather she doesn't want them attending as a couple. She has also said the children dont want her there but the ex won't attend without his new wife. You could also say he is being immature and not putting his children first either. Both parties are not dealing with this well.

Despite this OP hasn't had a bad word to say about the 'stepmum'. She is evidently angry at her ex and doesn't want them in her life but not much she can do about it.

Lots of overhyping and overdramatising here but people love drama.

Sometimes you just need to allow people to vent in a supportive environment without jumping down their throats. It seems to be the norm that all mothers are supposed to be selfless martyrs and men can do what they like picking up or abandoning their responsibilities at a whim

I'm not surprised your children don't want them there. The manner of your posts suggests such jealousy and pain which, while may be understandable as you are hurt, it's difficult to see wouldn't seep into your dealings with your kids. They are likely hearing negative comments/seeing negative reactions from you and it has alienated them from her. You should really be encouraging, for their sake, a positive relationship with all caregivers which, as she is his wife, includes her.

Respectfully, you do need to grow up. You aren't putting your children's interests first, just your pain

Gosh I go to as many of my dsd school events as I can manage. Her mum works, her mum’s partner works, so do I and so does DH. But we all try and go as much as we can. Sometimes we are there as a whole tribe. Other times it’s just one of us or two. We also sit together mostly too. DSD seems to really like it. She understands we all try and support her.

tongue in cheek I guess I am the much older and definitely more haggered looking second wife so nobody minds.

equally though DH and I are much older parents now and we are different parents, for him he’s different now with our son to how he was when dsd was born. He’s calmer, more present and I guess much easier to live with too. I know I wouldn’t have been as solid a mum if I had DS earlier in life. People are different in different relationships.

If he cared at all about your kids he'd come now and again by himself. In his shoes I'd go solo and hope the dust settles quicker that way... knowing long term they will likely have a relationship with his new wife....but him not going at all would scream to me he just wants to put on a show.
If a court looked on it they might not be impressed by you but they'd definitely see him on much worse terms (theoretically).
Basically YANB2U👍

Oh to be fair I agree he isn't being mature about it either. He could, even if OP is being unreasonable in saying no to stepmum attending, rise above that and see his children at events and do more to encourage their relationship with their stepmum such that they themselves want her to come too. He isn't making good decisions either.

You sound bitter and a bit mad.
Sometimes people aren’t right for each other! Use your weekends when he has the kids to get out and make yourself feel better, fuck what she thinks of you! Don’t compare yourself to her learn to like yourself!

Childish and jealous behaviour. Your ex has every right to see his son WITH his wife. Get over yourself!!!

IT ISN’T! ABOUT! YOU!

Your children’s feelings need to come before your own. You say you’re not jealous but you sound really bitter. Those children might resent you for making this difficult in future. ExH having to have wife there might be annoying but that’s the father of your children and they will no doubt want him there, wife or not. If he’s willing to show up, let him. Even if it is with his wife and you don’t want to see them. This isn’t about you.

Edited to correct typo

You need to grow up, quite honestly.

Does he contribute financially towards the kids? How long did you see each other for?

YABU to spoil your childrens' relationship with their father.

He's being unreasonable and weird for never going anywhere regarding his kids without his wife. My dad and husband would never behave this way. Sometimes kids need one to one dad time though so he should discuss each event with them and so should you about who they would like there. As long as the kids like his wife and are comfortable with her she should be able to come to events when the kids want her there and when he does. You're unreasonable for telling him what he can and can't do around his kids. They're not objects, they're in the middle and I feel really sorry for them having to put up with this crap from three adults who are meant to love and support them. Stop it.

OP this is about you, and you need to make it about your DC.

You can’t stop him seeing his kids do stuff because you don’t like her. It’s life. Unfortunately, it’s not pleasant but ultimately your child(ren) shouldn’t pay the price of not seeing dad.

Yabu. Put your child first here and grow up. He is married and this lady is going to be important in your childrens life. You cant stop him coming to events because you don't like his wife.

It is the case but it DOES NOT MATTER for your child's wellbeing. All that you need to put in the past. It is YOUR problem and your child should not miss contact with her dad only because when he was with you he was immature/ unreliable..... Regardless how it makes you feel, it is I portent for your child to have a relationship with her dad and for dad to attend school plays etc.

Let me rewrite your opening post for you but from your Ex's point of view:
"I used to go out with a girl and we split up. I started seeing someone after we finished. We have 2 kids together (with the ex) and I want to go places with my wife including to see my kids in school plays, at their religious events or whatever. I wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but my ex said no because they knew I would share this event with my wife too.
Is my Ex being unreasonable to not tell me when there are events in my child's life because I want to share these events with my wife? I showed up once at a sports event and brought my wife too. I think my ex couldn’t cope seeing my wife and never want to see her again."

You are being massively unreasonable. He has moved on and he has a wife. This person, whether you like her or not, is stepmother to your children. You will have to get used to that.

What is going to happen when your kids start noticing that other mum's and dad's in their class show up to events for their kids and they ask "Mum, why can't Dad come to see me in the nativity/play/sports day/festival? Why don't you allow Daddy to come??" because that day will happen.

I can understand it's hard for you seeing your ex with someone new. But it's harder for your DC to not see their dad.

She isn't his GF or a new fling she's his wife. He's entitled to want his children to know her, he's entitled to want her to be good to them. His attitude to their first day at school etc might have improved due to her influence. As hard as it is for you love your kids more than you hate his wife

YWBU

I understand why you're hurt. But it's not about you.

Love those children more than this

If he's a bad dad they'll figure that out without you helping it along

There’s no double standards.

shes his WIFE! Most women would be happy their child’s dad any stepmum wanted to be part of their life. You read more people complaining on here that the dads don’t want anything to do with their kids!

He could but he doesn't want to. When you meet someone will your DP be kept separate from your children? Excluded from their milestones?

Or will it be one rule for him...?

So what? Yeah it sucks. Grow up and get over it for the sake of your kids.

and you say he doesn’t want anything to do with your kids - he’s trying and you won’t let him.

honestly if this is what you were like when you were together I may understand why he left you…..