To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

@Brightspark3 how old are your children and how old were they when spilt from their father?

Put your child's relationship with their dad before your resentment. Does your DS want his dad at these events? It's awfully selfish to deny him - them.

OP, kindly - this is going to backfire on you in the future when your kids find out what you are doing/have done. Cutting out either parent is going to have lasting damage on your children and will affect them for the rest of their lives. All because you can't control your jealousy. You need to grow up and put them first here.

@DeepRoseFish

"New wife has no right to be at all school events."

Yes, yes she does. She's their stepmother and their father wants her there as his wife. She has every right to be there, and the OP has absolutely no say in whether she is or not.

Because whether you like it or not she is part of your sons extended family now, just as any potential new husband will be on your side. I'm sure she wouldn't attend any of these events if she didn't actually want to make an effort to be involved and be the bigger person. As for promising each other you'll never marry someone else is ludicrous! People change please try and just make this work, no one will give a toss if she's there I'm sure they couldn't care less. It's not like yours will be a unique situation OP at these types of events, there'll be loads of step parents there. Move on and show your son how grown ups behave.

You are not god. It is not your decision to cut him out of their lives. You do not own your kids. If his name is on the birth certificate, he has parental responsibility and you cannot take that away from him unless there’s been domestic violence within the home from him. And to change their surname you need his written consent.
Seriously, grow up. You are not mature enough to be a parent. You are consistently putting yourself above those children

Wow. When your kids are grown up they probably won’t look so kindly on you purposefully leaving dad out because of your own spite. Not very good.

I would bet my house in your kids not liking her because of how you feel.
I would guess you had mouth her to them and that is why they feel like that.

You were not his person. She is.

Get over the jealousy, stop projecting your bad feeling on to your children and allow them to have a happy relationship with their father and step mother.

You sound jealous, controlling and frankly neglectful to your children’s happiness. It is no surprise he left you.

That's not your decision. I hope he takes you to court.

But jealousy is exactly what this is, either of him for his new life, or of her. I have been jealous and have made exactly these excuses for the behaviour it pushed me towards. He is a married man, he should involve his wife and children in the life of any child he has from another relationship. Don't let your negative emotions impact on your child.

I know from experience that recognising and then letting go of jealousy can make you happier and help you move on. Get therapy if you need it. It's a horrible way to feel and very human, but very damaging.

Why the hell are you looking at this from your point of view rather than your child's?

Your child deserves to have as many people as possible who love them supporting them at events like school plays and sports day. If your ex didn't bother before at least he's showing up now. Your child will look out at the sea of faces and see 3 faces that he wants to impress, not just 1.

Stop being selfish and get some counselling for your self esteem. You can stand there as a confident self assured (even if you're faking it!) single woman managing her life single handedly, or a bitter miserable resentful ex who can't put your child's wants first. You choose.

They see that? As much as it might hurt you, you need to try reassuring your children and change the narrative to it being a good thing that Daddy wants to be more involved, and that it's a better situation for everyone now. Your children will pick on your resentment far more than you realise, and it's just good for them to carry hate or dislike or resentment about anyone close to them. You can avoid that by changing how you perceive things first.

It's hard to put myself in your shoes because I wouldn't have had children with a man who wouldn't marry me or never wanted children.

One day your children will see you for what you really are, and how your spite and poison has ruined a positive relationship they could have had in their lives. They'll see it, the penny will drop and their faith in you will be destroyed. And then it'll be too late. I've seen first hand the damage that attitudes like yours do to children in the long term.

Oh @Brightspark3 please step back and look at this. It seems you’re now just digging your heels in more because you don’t like the replies.

Surely you know you can’t just decide to change their names and not allow their dad to be a part of their lives? Your jealousy is ruining not only your children’s lives but yours too. You are so full of bitterness and this is going to backfire horribly on you. It’s stopping you from being a good parent and from finding your own happiness.

Your kids will likely feel they have to say they don’t want to go to their dad’s because of how you feel about him. Or they genuinely don’t want to go because you have negatively influenced their view of him. They are too young to articulate what you say they have. You are projecting your issues onto them.

It’s part of your job as a parent to protect and help their relationship with the other parent and the family that results when the other parent finds a new partner.

I feel for you, I really do. You need to work on letting go and moving on. This bitterness will only sour your relationship with you children eventually.

You have low standards if you think having your child twice a month makes you an active parent 🤦🏼‍♀️😫

That's such a silly argument.

The RP chooses a school close to their home and sets up their working arrangements to do school pick up/ drop off, including choosing childcare. The NRP usually has very little input into those decisions so often cannot do multiple nights a week. The child has all their school stuff at one house and doesn't have to worry that they've left their maths homework at Dad's or their lab coat at Mum's. Plus, especially in cases like this, many RPs are very resistant to a 50/50 schedule. Many NRPs would happily have every weekend but that's not fair on the RP to never have a weekend.

If the NRP switches, they change their working arrangements or childcare, child benefit and maintenance goes to them instead of the other parent and make it work.

So some of the 'vindictive ex won't let dad see the children' stories are actually true..

OP, I support your feelings about the events thing and your kids having “Dad time” to themselves without wife in tow but what you are doing here is a step too far.
It’s hard but don’t let your own feelings cloud judgement for your kids. I urge you not to do this it’s not your choice to make.

He is as active as he’s allowed to be.

OP stopping him from seeing them any more is not his fault.

If he went to court to demand every weekend or 50/50 then posters would say it’s unfair of him.

He is trying to be more involved but OP wants to stop even that.

He can’t really win.

No idea what RP and NRP is but I can tell you the his for free, if I split with my husband there’s no way he’d only see our daughter twice a month. It’s the bare minimum!

If he truly wanted to be involved he’d come along without his wife (I agree he shouldn’t have to) but if he was that bothered he would do it for his kids sake

It's good that you would facilitate more regular contact. You wouldn't believe the lengths some Mums go to to keep the arrangement at EOW and make it impossible for the Dad to get more time. Court is always an option, if you ca afford it, but then there's the worry of whether they'll even stick to the C/O and the stress of the proceedings.

OP is blocking the dad from seeing them. She literally admits it.

And, there it is!

I've only got as far as this post, but from the OP, it has screamed bitter ex and parental alienation.

OP is furious that her ex has met someone who he loves enough to marry and to want to spend the rest of his life with in a family set up - and that person is not her.

None of this petty keeping the ex and his wife away from the children has anything to do with the child(ren)'s benefit, and is all to do with the OP's anger at the ex leaving her.

Since when, on Mumsnet (or IRL) has it ever been acceptable to limit the other parent's access to the children because of hurt feelings, if said other parent isn't abusive?!

The children absolutely do NOT "see the new wife getting better treatment than the OP did" - if they have any knowledge of that, it's because it's being fed to them by the OP.

Yes, the kids might be upset that their new half siblings get to live full time with dad and they don't, but (a) it hasn't been stated whether dad wanted more access and this has been kept from him or not, and (b) even if he did only want them EOW, the OP has a duty to the kids to cushion them from sad feelings about this, as we all do as parents to protect our children to the best of our ability.

I have sympathy for the OP if she is heartbroken after losing her ex (although after several years, and the way she talks about him, it doesn't really sound like there's any love lost there, it honestly just sounds like bitterness that he has moved on successfully and she has not), but after that update, my sympathy has withered and I honestly hope that the ex has good legal representation to stop this alienation in its path, and I'm not really surprised that he wants his wife with him whenever the OP is there, for support and as a witness to any confrontation that may arise.