To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

I can't understand why so many people are parroting this same nonsense that the OP knew he didn't want children and shouldn't have had children with him and it was her choice. What is all this misogyny? It takes two people to create a child. He chose to have a long term relationship and get her pregnant (mutiple times) and has since left behind his responsibilities to do similar with another woman. I suspect lots of bitter stepmoms and OW projecting their situations have jumped on to this thread to vent their bile. I can't think of what else has caused this warped view that so many posters are repeating.

@ForTidyFinch we are basing our responses on information the OP had provided.

She says that:

• he made it clear he didn't want to marry her and wasn't keen on kids
• he has the children every other weekend so is clearly actively involved in their lives and wants contact
• he wants to attend events but she wants to not tell him about them so he can't
• as far as she knows there was no overlap between her and his wife

Why do you think it's misogynistic for people to say that she needs to set aside her feelings about his new relationship to enable her children to have their dad present at their events?

Maybe he hadn't met the right woman - sorry to say it. If a man meets the right woman all that can change, it's not nice to hear but it's the truth.

You need to let him have a relationship with his child. She might, and probably is, a nice woman. You could maybe start off with it just being him for a few visits until he is reacquainted with his kids and then introduce her into the mix.

It can have its benefits, I get on really well with XH and step mum, we've been on days out together. She has helped with the kids when they were younger - to be honest, they probably did more with their dad because she was there. He would have been quite happy just to have them over and watch a film but she would organise days out, hols, etc.

And,,,,,you get to have some time off from being mum when they stay over, win win

It's misogynistic for you and other posters to hold her soley responsible for having children . They have more than one child which means he was aware and chose to procreate again. There was a lot of blame in your post and others laid on the OP and none to the father. Do you think she forced him against his will to have mutiple children?

You also think having a child every other weekend is a 'clearly active parent'. Sounds like doing the bare minimum to me. You evidently have very low standards for men but much higher for women - that is also misogyny

@ForTidyFinch women do have to take some responsibility for having children with an arse if they knew they were an arse. If I had a partner who had said they didn’t want children I wouldn’t have wanted him to be the father no matter how much I wanted children, it’s not fair on the children. Obviously he is not a nice person to suddenly become dad of the year with his second family (that is all on him).

@InfoSecInTheCity Actually the third bullet point also shows misogyny. Why is it her job to tell him about events? If he is clearly and active parent as you claim he can find out from the school himself. It's not her job to act as his PA because she is a woman. OP clearly doesn't want him there with his wife, & the rights and wrongs of that have been discussed but your standards for men are on the floor.

You also think having a child every other weekend is a 'clearly active parent'. Sounds like doing the bare minimum to me.

OP hasn't said she wanted him to have kids more and he refused? I would be quite surprised if OP wanted to have the stepmum living with the kids 50% of the time, if sthe stepmum is not even allowed to go to school plays,

@ForTidyFinch my standards are not low. I would not have had children by someone who was not willing to marry me who didn't want children but the OP made the decision that she was willing to do that her standards were low.

Now with the consequences of that is that she has children by a man she is no longer in a relationship with.

The only people being harmed Here are the children who are being prevented from having their father present at their event because of jealousy on the part of the mother.

Well that's easy to say in hindsight. Likely the ex was stringing her along doing just enough until something better came along. Meanwhile OP was honest and genuine and believed him at the time, only realising later whether treated his next wife differently.

It's the ex who's behaved entirely selfishly and abandoned his partner and children and even now won't compromise.

Every other weekend isn’t a lot at all. I used to volunteer in the family courts and the Dads who really wanted to see their kids would do pick ups in a KFC car park 1.5 hours from their house if it meant they got an extra night with their kids. Clear as day to me this ‘Dad’ can’t be arsed with his kids except when it’s an event where he would get to rub salt in OP’s wounds by parading his new wife, and if he’s not allowed to bring her then he doesn’t bother going at all - sounds like a deadbeat dad and I’m not surprised at all if OP’s kids have picked up on that.

Is this meant to be satire? If he didn't want kids with OP then he shouldn't have had them . His first lot of kids aren't just a thing he can decide he didn't really want and move onto another set? And the OP should just get over this? These children will be damaged for life because of their father's feelings feckless, selfish behaviour. That's the truth of it. The OP didn't cause this situation.
She needs to try to make the best of it now for her kids sake but it's beyond ridiculous to say his behaviour was her fault in any way.

It was clearly in response to the post I was quoting that was saying a stepmom would only be there to antagonise the real mum and that most stepmom’s don’t give a fuck. There absolutely ARE a lot of bitter women on the step parenting board. And on here. They must damage their kids. I remember my stepson trying to hide that we got on from his mother. Removing photos of our pets from his phone before he left because his mother would tell him to “get rid of that ugly photo”.

You said it was OP's fault for having kids with him against his will. You said he wasn't a cruel or bad person. He clearly is pretty cruel and bad from his behaviour. None of this is decent loving or considerate behaviour towards his children. It isn't decent or respectful to the OP either.

Yes the OP needs to do what's right, but your tone of "you made your bed now lie in it" is quite unpleasant

Yep, he should be finding out when events are and attending them himself. He shouldn't be allowing OP to dictate his attendance or the conditions.

If they were under 5 when you split they really have no idea of what difference in relationship there was between you and ex and him and current wife.
The whole thing is totally shit for you and you don't owe anything to ex or his wife.
Your duty is to your children and they deserve a loving relationship with their father. So speak positively about him in front of them, encourage them to see him, be civil to him. Act as though you want them to love him. They will take their tone from you. Hopefully he'll step up and make the effort and be a good father to them now even though he wasn't in the past. That would be the best case. But if he isn't, they will realise that themselves when they're older and appreciate that you made the effort when they were young.

She can feel how she likes but it is an unhealthy and immature position to take.

You are literally blinded by your jealousy and bitterness In this situation.

of course your children don’t want her there and have a negative view of her. They’ve heard and seen how you view her and they don’t want to go against their mum.

you are now two families. You need to move past the fact that he didn’t want to marry you and has chosen to do that with someone else. But your children deserves to have both of their families able to attend important events. That means their mum, their dad, their step mum and their other siblings.

you need to get yourself some professional help because if you don’t your children will become adults who resent you.

I feel like it’s too far gone now anyway. I’ve already started the process of changing their names to mine. I don’t want him to have a role in their lives and I certainly don’t want her to.

Why do you not want him to have a role in their lives. He’s not dangerous or abusive?

You are using the feelings you have for your ex as a reason to cut your child’s parent from their life.

You are disgusting and I hope your child sees you for who you are one day.

You can't just decide that he doesn't, though. Parental alienation comes to mind. Good luck with that later on.

Luckily, you can't change your children's names without his permission, but I really hope he takes you to court and shows you up for the alienator you are. Worst case scenario, they'll see what you've done to them when they turn 18 and want nothing more to do with you.

Good luck if he takes you to court. They’ll pull you apart.

Is his name on the birth certificate? You can't just cut him out like that. Do they dislike stepmum because you dislike her?

You sound like a bad parent.

You need to separate your relationship with him (feelings for him/ jealousy) and your kid’s relationship with him.

You cannot punish your kids because you’re jealous of his new relationship.
They will end up hating and resenting you for it.

All of the people around him must feel so sorry for him because this poor man desperately wants to be a part of his kids lives and the ex is stopping him because of her jealousy - that thought alone would be enough to not stop him.

I feel sorry for your kids being in the middle of this.
You’re being really unfair to them.