To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

I think you are way too insecure. So this dad doesn't even have visitation rights? Does he provide child support? You are making it all very awkward for your child/children. They might actually enjoy getting to spend time with their dad and their half siblings, but you are poisoning the well. Plus, your attitude towards the wife isn't doing your children any favors either. Don't impose your negativity on them. Let it go and think of your children. You should probably consider counseling because you have issues and a counselor can help you handle the situation better.

YABU but so is he. He needs to either get the details from the school and just turn up with his wife, or he should attend alone. At the moment the kids are missing out on having him there because both parents are prioritising something else. These events should be about the kids, not a proxy battleground for your and your ex to have a stand off about adult relationships.

If he is in their life then I think the best thing is to try to make it easier for the kids by showing them that you have a level of acceptance for his new family etc and that you can be a bit more neutral. No matter how much you have to fake it, hide your upset so they can work out their own relationship with him without feeling guilty or disloyal. You have to rise above it.

To be honest this is all on you. He told you he didn't want to marry you or have kids with you but you went ahead and had them. I'm not surprised he took little interest then left. You didn't listen. He's now found someone he did want those things with 🤷‍♀️ you need to get over it and make better choices.

Honestly try to think about your kids before yourself. I understand it’s painful but not everything is about you.

You’re making your ex partner’s relationship with your shared kids about your feelings and not about their needs. That’s not healthy. When parents aren’t together anymore it’s normal for new partners to turn up to school events - unless they are actively unpleasant around your children you need to shove your feelings aside and focus on modelling a healthy, respectful relationship with your ex to your kids to show them they can have both parents in their lives even when they aren’t together. The “he should choose his kids over his wife” stuff is just ridiculous - in this case there is no reason for him to be put in the position to do that - you are artificially creating a situation where you force him to choose.

This is unfortunately a situation where neither of you are putting the children first. You aren’t prioritising the benefits to the children of having their father at events over your own pride and stubbornness, and he isn’t prioritising the children by coming to a few alone before very clearly telling you to pull your head in. You can’t actually tell him that his partner cannot attend a school assembly or sports carnival. Perhaps though, he could tell you they are both coming and you could make the choice whether you attend. If he really wanted to go, he would, and you would have to deal with it… which makes me think he isn’t putting the kids first either. It’s probably quite convenient for you to give him conditions and for him to pretend that’s a major barrier.

I get why you’re upset but how is this any of her fault?

OP, respectfully, your jealousy and hurt is clouding your judgement so badly. I feel like you can’t see how unreasonable you are being because you really can’t see past your own hurt and you do really believe that you are right in the way you are thinking/behaving.

Even if your ex didn’t spend time with the children when you wanted him to and you think it hurts them to see him with his new family, you need to realise that the YOU hold the key here to helping repair the relationship between him and your children so that the DON’T hurt anymore. YOU need to put your own hurt aside here and see the opportunity for your children to become a part of your ex’s family - including his wife.

I know it must be so hard for you to watch but the sooner you accept she is here to stay and that she is the step-mother to your children and a part of their lives, the better this will be for your children

Your children are the priority here. Please try to sort out some support for yourself so you can give your children what they deserve.

They do not deserve to be used as pawns.

As much as it might hurt you to see your children interact with her and see them being part of a family (that you had hoped for and imagined having for yourself) you need to do the work on yourself so you can face this and stop trying to control everything.

best wishes, OP

Understand how it feels but you need to put on your big girl pants & get over it, for the sake of your kids - it's been long enough now. Let it go. Move on.

OP I feel a little sorry for you getting a bashing and I do sympathise.

Since EXH left me for AP he wasn't allowed to go anywhere that involved me or even the children alone without her coming.
So she came to everything as simply he wasn't allowed to come alone (I wonder if that's the case for your situation)

But him coming with her was the less of two evils the other being him not coming at all.

If you really can't stand it, can't you take it in turns, him attend one event and you the next?

Or him attend every other event with her (so the kids know he's allowed to attend with and without her)
although you can't really police that...

The more you look jealous the more they will put on a united front against you and you will be an outsider.

Believe me when your child is 20 or you meet someone else this won't have mattered at all to you but it may to your kids xx

You need to accept that the relationship between you and him was never going to work.

You made the decision to be with him and to have children with him knowing that he had no desire to marry you and knowing how he felt about having children. By making that decision you created a link that will last at least till your children are 18, you will have to deal with him for the sake of your children, to ensure they have the opportunity to have a relationship with their father. He may or may not live up to the expectations of that role, but so far, other than being a bad match for you you've not given us any reason to think he is a bad, cruel or abusive man, or that his wife is a bad, cruel or abusive woman.

You have to find a way to allow him to access his children for their sake, you can't expect him to exclude his wife from those events, she is now a part of their lives, she is married to their dad and will be involved in their care when they are with him.

The difference is that the relationship with you wasn’t right so had no desire to marry. He feels differently about his wife and wanted to commit to her and raise a family.

Please put your own feelings aside, you should be glad that your son’s step mum wants to come to events. Don’t deny your son his family, he won’t thank you for it.

It's pretty cruel to have kids with someone you aren't interested in, then ditch them for another woman, then parade that woman in front of the struggling mother of your children at every opportunity.....

I'm.not buying the poor menz thing here.. he's certainly not a blameless innocent.

He's her kids dad so she needs to work with what she's got and encourage that relationship. But he's not a wronged party here

Why not alternate events? At least to begin with and then maybe build it up from there? It does require adult conversations and planning but, for instance, if they do the cross country event and you do the swimming gala then your son gets parental support but you don’t have to sit or stand with them. In fact, even if you’re at the same event, you don’t have to sit or stand with them!

@DinosaurMunch not once have I said he was in the right. I said that she has to do what's right for her children. There was no 'poor menz' language in my post.

I know it hurts. I really feel for you. It’s not fair. He should have been there for you and the kids. You’d like to change it but you can’t. You can’t change the past. You can’t change him. But you can do what’s best for your kids even when it’s the hardest thing for you. So put on your bravest face. Let him come. Hold it together. Stay calm and smile. Try and enjoy the kids and focus on that. Organise something afterwards for yourself. Whatever you need. A good cry. Time with friends. A bath and wine. Whatever you need to nurture yourself after doing something so painful. But you have to let him come I’m afraid. Unless he is abusive.

Your situation and relationship with the mum is totally different to the OPs, so is irrelevant in this context.

@Roryno

Unbelievable! There really are some fucked up women on this thread. In need of some serious counselling to sort their damaged heads out.

So because we have sympathy for the op we are fucked up?

The issue shouldn't arise. Because he ought to be proactively ensuring he knows the dates of these things himself. It's not actually up to OP, either to facilitate him or to give permission. He's a grown man, and he has the right to come but he ought to be actively exercising it.

Ok there’s been a lot of replies here. My children don’t want her there. They’ve seen that she gets treatment that I didn’t get. They see that their father invests time into their children that he didn’t into them. There are a lot of times they don’t want to go to their father’s even for every other weekend visits. They’re not close and I’ve been basically mum and dad since he left.

shes not a bad influence on them but their relationship is very limited

OP if your young children are that insightful then they are off the charts and should be studied.

They are simply mirroring your attitude. You are creating a huge problem for them in his they perceive and navigate relationships, all because you are jealous and can't move on.

The fact you have read the thread and failed to acknowledge or accept the 99% views is very telling.

@Marblesbackagain exactly what you said!!

how can primary school aged children “ witness” and communicate about such things. It’s all a farce. That I don’t buy and sadly that’s the way the world works they’ll experience it themselves through out life in every avenue. They’ll find that one person friend or relationship suits them better than the last etc. grow up and stop pushing your negative bitter feelings onto your children and get yourself back out their working on yourself and you may just find your own partner

@firsttimemum1230 exactly hopefully a peer has a healthy example so they see it from that perspective.

He doesn't sound like he actually wants to come to the events anyway, tbh. I think that's the real issue here. A fully involved father would take the initiative to find out what was happening anyway, and come anyway, bringing his wife if he liked.