To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

Maybe your DC wants his step mum to be there?! If they have a good relationship and she is part of his life of course she should be involved if your DC wants that! I go to things my DSS does, and he wants me there. This week his dad was away (very unusual!) and he still wanted to come over to spend time with me and DD.
The more people that love your DS the better.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to be on his own at event where you are.

Unbelievable! There really are some fucked up women on this thread. In need of some serious counselling to sort their damaged heads out.

Im a stepmum. I’ve been to many an event that my stepson was involved in - Xmas plays, presentation nights, sport events etc. Not remotely to flaunt my marriage in front of his ex, or because my husband wanted me to go, but because I loved my stepson and was proud of him. He was a big part of my life and I considered him family, even if he spent a few more days a week at his mum’s. I wouldn’t go to parent’s evening or things were there were limited tickets, but I went to most other things. Sometimes we would sit with his mum (and her husband or partner if she had one) and sometimes we wouldn’t. But it was always about clapping for my stepson. Nothing else. And I absolutely was part of his life, I helped bring him up, whether people like to admit that or not. I was the one he wanted to check his university application. And he’s sent me a Mother’s Day card for over 20 years (despite me telling him he didn’t need to). He thinks of me as family too.

@Brightspark3 I'm sure you're even more upset now than you were when you originally posted. This is not the place to put your feelings on the line. Far too many people waiting to have a pop. Please don't take the nasty posts as any reflection on you. I'd say any of these superior types would feel bitter too in the circumstances you describe.

Listen though, you do whatever you have to do for your children. In time, they will recognise what you have done for them. Don't give them the chance to be bitter with you in turn because you got in the way of their relationship with their dad. Honestly my heart does go out to you, because you sound broken. I don't know why people think it's ok to give someone a kicking when they are already down.

I just saw from friends on FB that a local guy (I didn't know him) last night posted about how he couldn't take it any more. People posted in support but it was too late for him sadly. Maybe posters should have a bit of a think before they post in such condemnatory fashion.

I couldn't agree more, and about the spitefulness - wow!

If your ex gets the kids every other weekend then they clearly have a relationship with his wife and the half sibling(s). So the wife being present is an offence to you not a problem for your kids.

It's also clear the breakdown of your relationship and their marriage happened years ago (minimum 3?) so you don't even have the excuse of a raw, recent emotional wound people can sort of relate to.

As already said, your ex doesn't have to adhere your instructions, TBH I understand why he's insisting on bringing her - clearly he can see the lunacy of your demands and perhaps realises if he agrees to this there would be something else, or maybe he's just not willing to be ordered about.

Your kids will likely be already aware of your hostility towards this woman - do you grill them about what she said/did every weekend? Or is it the case you don't care if the kids get on with her, you just don't want to see her?

You need to get this sorted. Get for some counselling, speak to a reasonable friend (who's not going to echo chamber your insanity), fix it. Help your kids, and your future relationship with them. When they are old enough to realise how you've sabotaged their relationship with their father because of bitterness they won't be forgiving.

Do you think his mum ever felt left out in any way because of his closeness to you? I've had three children, one husband, still together, but I think I might have struggled to see my kids get close to another woman in that way.

I think this is a really good question. But if she did that's her issue. As a mother it is wonderful to see step parents want what's best for the kids. And how lovely, they all sat there clapping together. The more people to love our kids the better.

Again, though, you are putting your feelings about him/her before the needs of your children to see their father. How is that in any way helpful?

No I don’t think so. She had left my husband two years before I met him and had been married to her next husband for 18 months before I came along. I think she initially didn’t like that I made my husband stand up to her when she was treating him badly (like insisting that my stepson was with her on Father’s Day so they could take his stepdad out, even when it was “our weekend”. She’d have hit the roof if we’d have suggested he came to take me out for Mother’s Day! Not that we ever would, I’m not his mother). We had a lot of ups and downs at the start. She did some really nasty tricks. But it’s calmed down and we’ve all got used to working together. I went to her mum’s funeral with my husband to support my stepson and she gave me a hug. (I did know her mum a bit) We don’t have much to do with each other now my stepson is grown up, and she’s moved away, but I bumped into her in town recently. I’m having a tough time with elderly parents at the moment and she sent me a lovely message saying if i ever needed an ear or a coffee she’d be there.

Because. He. Doesn't. Want. To.
You understand that, right?

Hate to say it OP, but I have a strong suspicion it's this controlling behaviour from you that led to your split.

Good for you then though I still don't understand your previous post - 'Unbelievable! There really are some fucked up women on this thread. In need of some serious counselling to sort their damaged heads out' - as you've experienced this is a quite a common situation with feelings of jealousy and bitterness. Ideally it shouldn't be like that and all should act selflessly in whats best for the children but these are human beings with emotions and their own perspectives on whats best. You say you now have a good relationship and but that evidently took time. Don't know why you feel the need to call someone fucked up with a damaged head for expressing an opinion, amongst others that a mother shouldn't be acting as a PA to her ex. The father is perfectly capable of finding details of his child's school events.

Despite your feelings your ex doesn’t need your permission or approval to attend any events.
I think you need to accept that your feelings are secondary to your children’s relationship with their father.
I think you need some counselling OP to help you deal with your feelings and to enable you to move forward with your life.
Loving, caring step parents are an asset to a child. The alternative is more common unfortunately.

I think that's a very simplistic response. I would probably have struggled with another woman being that close to my children, and I very much doubt I would be alone in that!

Oh dear, I see the MOTHERS MUST BE SILENT MARTYRS drums are beating again.

Of course it is NOT in any way unreasonable for you to feel this and want not to have your face rubbed in it.

You are a normal human being, with feelings which will don't magically vanish because you're a mother. If a man treats a woman like shit, she's supposed to don a pair of angelic wings and a halo and is not even even allowed to say :"I don't want to see him ever again" without the screaming hysterics starting in on them.

So yep, it's normal to want to avoid him, and absolutely normal to want nothing to do with his wife. I am so sorry his treatment of you made you feel so low.

However, you can't keep him away from events and shouldn't try. He is probably enjoying how much misery he is causing you so do try not to show that you care if he turns up with his wife. If forced to interact at all, just a polite nod and calm very basic communication.

He does have a right to go if he wants to and if he cares at all about his child HE will make the effort to find out what's happening and do so.

But of COURSE it's not your job to keep him in any kind of loop re events. He should be checking in with the school/clubs etc himself, you're not his secretary or his partner anymore.

Stop communicating with him at all except when it comes to organising drop off or pick up of your child or any other very basic things you must communicate with him for.

See if you can get a friend to go with for support in case he turns up with the wife, it's amazing how much better it feels with another human by your side who can give you a smile or a word of comfort.

And maybe consider some grief and loss counselling. Your feelings are completely normal and very standard - you are grieving what should have or could have been, the loss of the happy future you imagined for you and your son. Grief counselling is not just about death, you can get grief and loss counselling for divorces and etc too.

Good luck.

Well said 👏👏

Yet another thread where some posters have resorted to really nasty personal attacks. What on earth’s going on? Is it because the clocks have gone back or something? I’m sorry, @Brightspark3. Some people are so rude. Please ignore them.

I think it's more likely to have been his refusal to commit, and his cavalier attitude to his children that caused the split, personally.

Was he an arse before you had DC with him? Why have DC with him when he said he didn’t want DC?

Of course you are jealous.

I was in the opposite situation. I was the new dp and we had a child. The ex behaved exactly the same. I can't tell you how many times her dd complained to both her df and myself how unfair it was that her mother refused to let me or her little sister attend public things. I never responded to dsd only to say it's OK we will celebrate a different day. Dp and I are no longer together. Amen for that, dsd is 18 and recently asked if she can move in with ME. Be very careful while you think you are alienating this women you are actually making things hard for the children. Knock it off.

Op, I also have an ex who likes to play 'dad of the year and the great provider' (who manages 6 hours a week, and 20 nights a year).
His new woman likes to play at being mummy which I find ridiculous. My child is not her fashion accessory.

I find the best approach is simply not to tell him when things are happening. He is on the school email list. He receives notifications of events as I do. He just can't be bothered to read them. His problem not mine.

As long as I am there, ds is happy. Ex has made himself irrelevant.

Refusal to commit so having a child with him was not exactly logical then going by that 'logic'

@Brightspark3 OP I do understand why you feel as you do, however there comes a time where you have to let the bitterness go. Not for him, but for you.

If you dont then there will come a time (and it comes worryingly fast) where you will be the bitter ex who wont go to their childs own wedding if "SHE" is there. She is a fact, you cant change that as much as you would like to. You cant change the fact that he was using you to mark time. You can't change that he treated you like shit.

But, BIG but, you can change how you feel about it. You can view it in an angry "how come he wouldnt do that for me?!" kind of way, or you can view it as "Shame that she is so insecure that she wont let him go anywhere without her!" kind of way. Or a "Shallow dickhead needs to prove he can pull by taking her everywhere with him". Whatever works for you. Point it, you need to learn how to let the anger go. There is an old saying "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". You are taking the poison.

Give him the information about how to register with school for updates. My ex decided not to bother and then got cobby when he missed info for the school production and couldnt get tickets. Not my problem, I told him how to and he didnt....so....

Then its all on him. If he registers and attends with her then remember, she is doesnt like him to be seen without her. Sad isnt it?

There's also an assumption, based on nothing, that the wife actually cares for/loves the OPs kids or is a good influence.

And do be mindful you're not actually saying anything untrue about your ex or the wife. It's ok to tell the truth - eg if he doesn't bother showing up or phoning etc there's no reason you should try to cover for him but "Oh, I'm sorry dad didn't come/phone" and a hug is all that's needed.

But if you are saying anything about the ex and his wfife to your child, keep it factual and simple and remember your child still loves his dad and has a right to feel their own feelings, just as you do. You definitely don't have to try to faciliate anything between them, but don't get in the way of it or make your child feel bad for wanting it either.

And again, in future do not communicate at all with your ex in any way, beyond what is required.

Certainly don't try to be his personal secretary re him going to see his child. If he cares at all about his child he will very definitely do that himself. Not your job.

Stay away from all of it, just be calm and polite when required and communicate only if necesary.

You just can’t tell someone that they can’t go to events with their spouse/partner, just because you don’t like it. I actually think he’s a shit dad because he’s choosing to indulge in that batshittery by not going. A good dad would just laugh at the absurdity of it and turn up with his spouse/partner.