To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

@Brightspark3 look into the “Cab Light Theory”.

Him not marrying you is no reflection on you. Hold your head high. There is no reason for you to feel “stupid” and seeing him as “the cat who got the cream”.

Move on. This isn’t about you. This is about your shared children. & I’m sorry to say it, you’re doing your children no favours at all with your petty and spiteful attitude.

I don't think you can actively prevent him from attending, but I really don't see why you need to be the one to inform him what's going on!

If he's so interested in attending his kids' events, let him do the work and keep track of them.

Yabu to keep him away or to ban her

Yanbu to not tell him- that's his job as a father to find out.

How much do your kids see him? Assuming they go stay with them and their half siblings?

Would you say Peter Andre shouldn't bring dr Emily and their kids to watch junior and princess in their events, In case Katie price doesn't like it or thinks he's being a better husband to Emily? I think it's more important that the kids can see their half siblings and that they feel included in that half of their family

It's really hard for you - trust me I'm in your position- but you need support to move on, perhaps counselling

Very surprised to see the replies on here. I agree with them but I've seen similar stories on the step-parenting board from a step-mothers viewpoint (mother keeping kids away etc) and they're, without exception, torn to shreds every time.

You can have said what you thought without being that spiteful

Not sure you would say all that to a total stranger in real life

I think he should go to sports days and plays with whoever, but I don't see how the new wife needs any input at Parents' evenings

Some absolutely vile posters on this thread. Nobody is perfect like you all pretend to be and acknowledging that she is struggling with her (understandable) feelings in this situation is a good first step. It would be difficult for anyone and will take some time to get over and everyone heals at different rates. She has been ripped to shreds by the majority of posters without an ounce of kindness or understanding shown. A surprising quantity of posters are taking glee in rubbing her nose in the fact that she is not 'the one' and that he loves 'the wife' more than he loved her. People criticising her for having children, while unmarried ffs. The man you are defending had a role in that too. A marriage is just a piece of paper not some magic ticket to happiness and importance like many of these mumsnetters are deluded in to thinking. Likely the same issues will pop up with this next long term relationship. It may very well end in divorce too once the honeymoon period is over. A marriage certificate doesn't dictate a relationship's success nor does it invalidate the OP previous relationship. It isn't a trump card giving the new woman rights over OP's children. I think the point has been made enough that the children should come first in this situation. No need to make out the OP to be an arch villian . Jealousy is a human emotion and bitterness understandable. All these people saying take the high road for the sake of the children are right but those trying to drag and pile on the OP in this nasty way are not those type of people who have any moral highground.

BMW6:
"He's a shit dad"

I'm not seeing much evidence of that unless I missed something.

I think you know it’s unreasonable. You have no control over his behaviour, you can only control your own reactions and behaviour. When you child asks you when they’re older why Dad didn’t come to x or y it will be great if you could say with a clear conscience that I never stopped him coming to anything and that it was completely his choice. I understand how upsetting it is for you but it’s not about you or him.

Please remember that children are entitled to have a relationship with both their parents. You need, in years to come, to be able to look them in the eyes and say you never stood in the way of their relationship with their father.

I think it wo6ld be useful to seek therapy so that you can wirk through these feelings. I see why you are annoyed, but you cannot let it impact your dc. You cannot make this woman responsible for the failings of your dh.

That is not relevant now though.

I'm sorry OP. Things clearly have not turned out for you as you hoped they would.

But you do need to deal with the reality that you are faced with. He is now married and has got his act together. Of course it stings that he would not do that with you but you cannot change that. All you can do is accept it and move on.

As many people have said, the best thing for your kids now is that their dad is an active part of their life. Don't stop him from doing that. Then you will be at fault. Yes its shit but all you can do is pick up the pieces. Your kids will thank you for it later. Don't stop him attending.

Grow up OP. You sound like an unhinged and bitter ex.

I fear OP may not be back. People reflecting your behaviour back to you is hard at the best at times, but some very harsh reading on here if you’re already feeling low about the situation.

So, your 'revenge' is to make your children pay the price?
Wow. Awesome parenting right there 🙄

Why would she even want to attend the functions with him when the only link to his children is that she’s married to him? We read enough posts on here from stepmums who have zero interest in their partners children, to suspect her actions are prompted by her own agenda. I doubt she has any interest in his kids, other than she likes to antagonise his ex by turning up. OP, don’t tell him about events. He needs to contact the school to ask to be included in mailings instead of expecting you to spoon feed him.

Big deal. He put this woman first and he is still putting her first. There is no reason why this woman needs to be at any school event. Not one. Except to flaunt his relationship. Horrible pair

Regardless of what he has done to you, don't weaponise your children and I'm sorry but you are here.

I'm not trying to be unkind but you acting like this is going to cause years of problems in the future.

The kids will ask him why he didn't go to these events and he will say because you didn't let him bring his wife. And then what?

Think about this logically without emotions.

This isn't about you but your children.

Put your feelings last, be their better parent, be their amazing mummy you are and just let him bring her along. Let them do the act, who cares?

They will know as you got older you were there for them. But you've got to let him be there too with her! This is for your kids sake, no one else's. You can do it. Be brave and put your big girl panties on!

You have to separate everything!!!

Your relationship didn't work out - ok, when he was with you he didn't see himself marrying but is that because the relationship was the wrong one - not necessarily that you were doing anything wrong, or him, but you weren't right together. He obviously let something different with his now wife and yes, that might be tough on you.

The children - when he's with them or when it's a "public" meeting you have no right to dictate who he can see them with or who can come along. His time is his time - you can not like what he does but can't do much about it. Same with parents evening/nativity plays/football matches etc - you don't have to like it but you have no right to ban him for not playing by your rules. If you tried it with me, I'd rock up anyway.

I've made a point where DS is concerned, that he'll never hear from me what I think of his dad. I'll let his dad enlighten him as the years go on - and he is doing! I've never stopped him seeing him, I've never caused issues etc. his dad's time is just that, and none of my business!!!

Oh come off it! The poster is clearly hurting! She is witnessing her ex committing to another woman in all the ways he wouldn't commit to her and her children. Though I have to say in all honesty, I'd never have had children myself with a man who wasn't willing to marry me!

And doesn't she have a right to feel that way???!

Christ have a glass of wine and go to bed. Maybe when you wake up on the morning you might have grown up and realised its not all about you.

Honestly in reality she has was what you wanted from him ..

The thing none of us know is that is she insecure or just they do everything together?

do they have their own children .

i do think you have to let him do it his way. The kids will work out the relationship .

I would not want her there at parents evenings but sports day/ play …

imagine the conversation when they are older - why didn’t you come your mum said no ..

this woman should not be the focus .. tbh whether you want it or not a good relationship with children and her will help .

you can feel however you want however you need to find a way to manage this for the kids and your sanity

Sensible post.

It that necessary or kind? I can't believe how cruel some of these posts are! Yes, the OP needs to try to put her feelings to one side for the sake of her children, but ffs she is allowed to have those feelings!!!