To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

Agree too.

You’re both being unreasonable.

Sending you sympathy amongst all this vitriol OP. He absolutely does not need to take his wife to those events, if he cared enough he would make sure you, the mother of said kids, is comfortable and go by himself. Sounds like he/his wife are the ones who needs to grow up and accept you’re their mother and they don’t need to parade their relationship in front of you in order for him to have a relationship with the kids. If he puts his wife over that then he’s a fool and at fault.

OP I get why it upsets you, but you can't stop him going, the kids come first and wouldn't they want their dad there?
You have a right to be happy too, have you met anyone since?

One day your children will discover that you prevented their father from attending things. They won’t thank you for it.

You keep saying that you’re not jealous and then you go on to list all of the reasons why you might be jealous (he wouldn’t marry you but he married the new woman, he is now a doting family man, he works sociable hours, she’s young and glamorous - the list goes on). You need to stop kidding yourself that you’re not jealous and move on.

I’m not saying he’s done nothing wrong - he probably wasn’t the perfect partner or father when he was with you. But you can’t let your bitterness and resentment rule your life and impact the wellbeing or your kids.

Lovely fairy story...!

Do you mean your children feel sad when their dad shows up to his other kids' events but not to theirs?

You know there's something you could do about that, don't you.

I have read all posters and while some are a bit insensitive I think the majority of posters are balanced acknowledging OP's pain but at the same time telling her that this pain should be dealt with separately and not stand in the way of a child having his father present (even if new young glamorous wife attends). Lots of empathy on MN, just ignore the rest.

Oh dear.

10 pages in, I've only read page 1.

Couples split. He's married. They're his children too.

Yes it hurts, I've been there. The pain lessens the more these things happen.
YABU.

One in particular seems particularly nasty ‘he married her because he loves her more than he loves you’ just no need!

Look, I don’t want to join in with the pile on, but you are being very childish and self involved. You’re throwing your toys out of the pram because he didnt want to marry you and now he’s “acting” like the perfect husband.
Face facts op, you just weren’t “the one” for him. He has now met “the one” and it made him want to settle down, grow up and be a good husband. Presumably your kids with him weren’t planned either, perhaps he was too young and irresponsible to be a dad. But now he’s older, he’s married and mature enough to plan to have kids he sees the world differently. He’s now trying to be involved in his children’s life and you’re being obstructive.
If his wife was just his new girlfriend, I’d be more on your side. But she’s not. She’s his wife. She’s literally your kids stepmum-and both she and her husband have every right to be involved in their lives.
Trust me when I say this, your kids will find out that you were instrumental in stopping him from attending events and birthdays, and they will’ turn on you for it when they’re older.
You will never find support anywhere for a post like this-unless you can find a “bitter ex” forum.
As o theres have said, grow up. He’s married now, he’s happy, your kids want their dad in their life and it’s time for you to move on

And if you got a new partner you would still attend everything on your own would you?!

You sound horrendously bitter and it will be having a negative effect on your children. If he didn't want any kids how come you had two? Did you fall pregnant accidentally on purpose... twice?!

I dont think disagreeing with OP is nasty.

But it would certainly be wrong to agree with her just because she is angry and bitter about her ex.

Many people wish their ex would fall off the face of this earth but they put their feelings aside for the benefit of their shared children, as they should.

She's his wife - presumably she has a relationship with your children when they are with their father? I think you need to act like a grown up and put aside your own feelings OP. He's their dad and he and his wife should be able to attend school functions etc to support your children. You can't actually stop her attending, it's not up to you. It's both selfish and childish for you to try and stop them attending.

The idea that anywhere on the Internet is a safe space is ridiculous.

@Anywherebuthere

You can disagree without being a twat!!

Can you not see that?

Me me me.

Your post is - it's hurts ME, he did this to ME

You can't change the past. In an ideal world he would come alone but as you have said that isn't going to happen. I'd put my kids first and let them have their dad there. Surely there is one event in a year your ex could go to and you don't attend- that way you don't have to see them

He doesn’t need to spend any time with you and he is seeing his children alternative weekends and turning up at their events.

I don’t think you can set conditions about who he wants to bring at all. If he wants to bring his new wife there’s no reason he shouldn’t.

How would you feel if you remarried and he started trying to stop your new partner coming? It’s completely bizarre.

That said, I think it’s fine just to tell him to be in touch with the school office and get his own notifications, you’re not his PA.

It's a hard truth but he didn't want to marry you or have children with you and yet you had 2 children with him. You did choose that path. However, your DC's have no choice and are having to deal with the consequences of your jealousy- which is what you are feeling, that and bitterness. I get why you are bitter that it didn't work out, but you should take the pill and swallow it for the greater good of your DC's. It should be all about them.

I completest agree and I do disagree with her but there’s absolutely no need for the name calling ‘you pathetic arse’ ‘pathetic woman’ ‘grow up you’re pathetic’ ‘most pathetic post I’ve ever seen’ ‘he married her because he loves her more than he loved you’

there is disagreeing with someone and there’s just being outright nasty

FGS! It shouldn't be all about you, you know! What about your son? And if your ex is now a good dad, then your son will also benefit from it.
I think you need to have some counselling and work through your issues before you do irreparable damage to your son by denying him a good relationship with his dad.
You'll feel more than stupid, when your son grows older and rejects you in favour of his father. You really need to work on changing your attitude now.

I disagree. She has no right to be included. The ex makes the choice not to attend. His new woman is more important that seeing his child. Why can't he attend these events without her. She is nothing to do with his child.

I was that kid… all I wanted was my Dad to myself sometimes without his new person who was forced into my life.
YANBU OP
Kids see new wife at his home they should get him to themselves at events whether with you as their parents showing a united front or separately sharing the load - whichever you’re comfortable with

Nothing to do with, seems a little far IMO.

I would (and did) wait until everyone was comfortable with me being somewhere before going.

But I am also definitely something to do with my stepson, and this new wife likely is too. She’s not a stranger.