To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

[EalingLucy]

Sorry if this offends, i really don’t mean it to.

Im pregnant, at 40. I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism. He has a lot of Autism in his family, some quite severe with neices not being able to go to school etc.

we wanted this child but now it’s a possibility I am so scared the child will be profoundly autistic like his family members. I just can’t see how I would cope, and even though it sounds mean, I just don’t want to live like that - they are now adults and unable to live independent lives, it’s hugely worrying and stifling. I don’t think the pandemic helped. All they do is play video games and they have no interest in human interaction at all.

being ND myself I get easily overwhelmed and worried about things and I know I wouldn’t cope well.

on top of this the enormity of motherhood has me very anxious too, what if I miss my life? I like my life! And my alone time - a lot of it.

on the other hand I love children and have felt for a while that I won’t feel fulfilled without one. Like life is sort of pointless even tho I do enjoy mine. Having the closeness of being a mum looks lovely. All these thoughts have disappeared with my anxieties tho and I am just filled with dread and fear.

I am honestly considering a termination because of this anxiety and being convinced I will have an autistic child.

am I being silly?
how do others cope with these worries?
are there any specific kinds of counsellors I should see? It seems generic counsellors can’t help.

im at a loss of what to do.

yabu - you are worrying too much
yanbu - you are right to be worried

so your dh is autistic?

do you feel he leads a very inferior and unhappy life as a result of his autism?

Don't worry about it, they come in all shapes and sizes I'm sure you know! You'll
Hopefully be more able to deal with things if they have any ND issues. I have 2 ND children and since have realised both my DBro and DH are ASD and ADHD too, and I never even realised - they're perfectly fine
I find ND people far more interesting!

He has really struggled in a lot of areas. He feels hugely behind in his career, and he has suffered from bad mental health for large parts. He still struggles now but is generally better - his teenage years and twenties were extremely hard.

’inferior’ is a very loaded word to use, and that’s not what I’m implying.

hard - yes.

he is also terrified of having a child with similar issues.

So knowing everything you know about both sides of the family, you decided to try for a much wanted child but now you might want to abort it, incase it has any of the issues their family members do? 😳

So do I tbh! Most of my best friends and fave people are nd.

im just worried about if it’s really severe like his family.

tho tbh I don’t think the parents did them any favours - they don’t seem to have tried to help them be sociable at all and they themselves seem to never want to leave the house or take any risks (even down to not wanting their daughter to go to university ) which has made the children worse.

This.

preposterous.

It might be fine. But it’s not possible to rule out the possibility of difficult times ahead. My heart goes out to you x

But surely this is something you considered before getting pregnant?

Is this even real?

Yes, it doesn’t seem logical does it, and it isnt.

I suspect pregnant hormones are not helping.

no need to scoff, if you’re here to make snide remarks then maybe go and find something productive to do?

I did, but I was quite convinced I wouldn’t even get pregnant because of my age anyway.

we weren’t even properly trying - it just happened.

Wow. So you make all sorts of offensive reductive comments and then get snarky when someone points it out.

It's also a massive spectrum and can be a very real disability for some people.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I don’t think this is a straight forward yes or no on being unreasonable. Yes, research shows that the majority of autism cases are linked to genetics and run in families. Yes, advanced maternal age increases the chances of having a child with autism.

But do either of those things mean you shouldn’t continue with the pregnancy? No, and neither guarantees you will have a child with autism, but there’s also no way of guaranteeing you won’t. That’s the risk with any pregnancy, not just with ND but with DS, chromosomal abnormalities, there can be health issues after birth etc. Everybody has worries when pregnant and I do think it’s quite normal to have some anxiety, no parent wants a difficult life for their child, but if you feel you are overwhelmed with worry then please seek help from GP/MH services.

What was offensive and reductive?

I mean, there's a strand of men with significant MH problems in three generations of my mother's side of the family -- my mother's father, a son from his first marriage, a son from his second marriage, and my brother. I thought about this a lot when thinking about whether to have a child, and I thought about it again once I knew I was having a boy.

I think YABU.

It's up to you whether you choose to have this life growing inside you terminated.

That you might abort your child for potentially having the same conditions as both sides of the family. That life is as simple as Good autism and Bad autism.

Those children (your dh's nieces) are not your child. They have been brought up by their own parents and their lives have unfolded over the last twenty years with a whole differing set of circumstances, regardless of autism or no autism.

This is your child. You will love him/her and infinite possibilities await you, but love is pretty much assured. Hang on to that aspect.

My child has autism and ADHD and had two years out of school aged 12 to 14. But, he is full of joy, energy and initiative, has friends, travels, (and studies has studied, has very good qualifications - but that is not to me his most important quality)

This is pregnancy hormones and anxiety. And possibly ADHD anxiety. I share that aspect of my son sometimes.

Please look after yourself. You are growing a beautiful baby.

Oh dear, bless you!

pregnancy wobbles are normal and yes you may miss elements of your old life but you can get a lot of it back as they get bigger.

and you may have a child with autism - tbh I never considered that I might, but guess what I do. We’ve had some struggles with him I’m not going to lie but he’s in mainstream school
and quite independent and doing well. I certainly don’t wish I’d never had him.

I am sure you’ll be OK

Did it turn out okay?

I am keen to hear stories where people’s worries haven’t come to fruition.

I don’t think reading all the threads about how hard it can be raising an nd child on mumsnet has helped - you obviously only see the worst sides.

but I also have friends who have been pretty broken by it and admitted if they can go back they wouldn’t have had them. Which scares the life out of me

I didn’t say that tho, did I?

when it is severe, it is bloody hard. that’s a fact. and it’s not fun for the autistic person either - there is a high comorbidity with poor mental health and there have been a few suicide attempts.

so it’s worth thinking about at least don’t you think!

it’s you who’s putting it into binary good and bad.

Well it's not a silly worry and is something that should have been taken into account before you got pregnant but you don't have a time machine and sound like you want a child. The chances are that yes, you will have a ND child. How much it impacts their life is a mystery though.

Yes, you will miss your old life at times. Everyone does. Parenting is a (minimum) 18 year experience, filled with different phases, challenges and achievements. View it like that opposed to something you need to slog through and you'll cope much better.

However, you are at an advantage in that you know it is likely, therefore you can prepare for that eventuality. You can look Makaton to improve communication - baby's can sign from 6 months, you can learn about sensory overload/ under stimulation and nip things in the bud before the child becomes overwhelmed. You can focus on implementing parenting techniques that work better on ND (all) children.

Nothing that you put in place that works for a ND child will in any way limit a NT child.

Exactly, and you've also waited til you're 40 which makes the risk of something being wrong even worse. Not that I'm saying ASD is wrong btw. I don't think you thought this through at all.

I have autism and adhd, we suspect dp does. We also suspect our 10 year has autism. This affects her in sensory ways such as noise in particular and some touch, she struggles in social settings but she is also extremely bright and has a real passion for animals and animal facts. She is genuinely the most loving and caring soul I've ever met. I understand the worry, I worry about this myself as we are expecting currently however, autism doesn't always mean the severity of your nieces. Ultimately it is up to you what you decide to do however, this is something you need to be absolutely sure you can live with should you terminate, you don't want the lingering doubt of feeling like you have made a mistake (coming from experience)