To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

[EalingLucy]

Sorry if this offends, i really don’t mean it to.

Im pregnant, at 40. I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism. He has a lot of Autism in his family, some quite severe with neices not being able to go to school etc.

we wanted this child but now it’s a possibility I am so scared the child will be profoundly autistic like his family members. I just can’t see how I would cope, and even though it sounds mean, I just don’t want to live like that - they are now adults and unable to live independent lives, it’s hugely worrying and stifling. I don’t think the pandemic helped. All they do is play video games and they have no interest in human interaction at all.

being ND myself I get easily overwhelmed and worried about things and I know I wouldn’t cope well.

on top of this the enormity of motherhood has me very anxious too, what if I miss my life? I like my life! And my alone time - a lot of it.

on the other hand I love children and have felt for a while that I won’t feel fulfilled without one. Like life is sort of pointless even tho I do enjoy mine. Having the closeness of being a mum looks lovely. All these thoughts have disappeared with my anxieties tho and I am just filled with dread and fear.

I am honestly considering a termination because of this anxiety and being convinced I will have an autistic child.

am I being silly?
how do others cope with these worries?
are there any specific kinds of counsellors I should see? It seems generic counsellors can’t help.

im at a loss of what to do.

yabu - you are worrying too much
yanbu - you are right to be worried

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.

i know it’s my anxiety fixating to an extent but always hard when based on possible reality!

I have a child with a genetic condition and ASD - he's easier than my non autistic child (although I have my suspicions).

Every child whether they have ND or not are different, some are hard, some are chill and everything in-between.

Your life will absolutely change, alone time becomes more challenging especially in the earlier years.

If having a child isn't something you think you can cope with then a termination might be the right choice for you because once they're here, that's it, you have to just get on with it.

That being said, I wouldn't change anything about my life and I was very similar to you.

Parenting has its challenges whatever your child's needs are.
Any NT coupling might have a child with significant needs, whatever the cause.......it's a roll of the dice.
A child can have an unexpected, life changing accident.

To be a parent is to love and to worry.

You will love your child more than you can possibly imagine.

Your life is about to change so drastically in a million different ways, some hard, some breathtakingly beautiful.

Your child will have their own experiences, their own journey, their own ups and downs. You will love them whatever form that takes for them.

For context one of my DC is autistic.

I understand OP. Our child is autistic, probably ADHD, delayed in many areas, need to fight for a SEN school, may need to be supported into adulthood.

After we twigged he was ND, DH and I both suspected we are both ND too. We're both socially introverted, but high functioning though, very academic, high achievers, so it's a little heart breaking that our school age child has no interest in reading. I think our genes must have multiplied the autistic/adhd traits in our child. If I had any idea of how hard life would be now I would have questioned children at your stage too. We're lucky that we have some savings as we can see how hard it is for parents who don't have the means to support their children privately.

But we have adjusted and he is still a joy - I celebrate every tiny bit of progress he makes in life. We'll do anything we can to help him make a success of himself in life, whatever that looks like. I'm also pregnant with my second, with the full knowledge of how hard things are with my firstborn and I'm prepared to do it all again. I think our new baby will be good for our first born too and I very much hope they'll be there for each other.

Hmmm, you wanted this baby and you knew the risks so you’re probably just having a panic and over thinking now that you’re actually pregnant. DS is 4 and on the pathway to diagnosis but simply in case he needs more support further down the line. It matters not one bit to me if he’s autistic or not, he’s absolutely fabulous and I wouldn’t change a hair on his head.
DD is 1 and at the moment shows no signs of being ND but is hard work in her own adorable stroppy toddler way - much harder work than DS ever was.

I am pregnant with our third and I do worry that if this baby is autistic and shows more severe symptoms than DS that it will affect my existing children but I want this baby and we’d cope.

We all roll the dice when we have children, they can be born with any number of issues, become ill, have an accident and become disabled. Worrying is a natural part of becoming a parent but if I were you I’d try not to fixate on this….you can never know what’s going to happen or what the future holds so relax and try to enjoy your pregnancy.

how far along pregnant are you?

Can you access some counselling? Nobody can tell you if your child will have ASD, or another disability or if it will be a child without any additional needs. I had my DC young, no ASD in the family at all. yet I have a severely autistic child and one with HFA. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I never saw it coming but it's a dice you roll if you decide to have DC. Life us hard but we find happiness too. I have to say I find your language towards your relatives with high care needs very unpleasant. I do understand though why people say it's not a life they could cope with. And that's easily sorted: there is only one way to not have a disabled/autistic child: don't have any. You do have choices. I am gonna be honest. Doesn't sound like parenthood is for you esp with a potentially disabled child with high care needs.

Do you get in a car worrying you will be in a car crash?
Cross the road thinking a bike will take you out?
Fear long grass will give you Lyme disease?
Worry about food poisoning in restaurants?
Lead in the water pipes
Pension fund
Tories
Left
Global warming

Yes, life is a series of worries but we all negotiate scores of terrifying alternate realities or outcomes every single moment

And this is one of them. A possibility but better than global warming.

Only you can decide how you feel about this ultimately OP, at 40 and with genetic links your chances of having a child with autism are higher than average. But that’s not a guarantee either way.

Part of having a baby is accepting that you are bringing a baby into the world, and that you’ll raise that child to the best of your ability whoever they grow up to be, whatever challenges they may face, however long they may need you. There’s never a guarantee of a perfectly healthy baby in any pregnancy, all any of us do is hope for the best and prepare to be the best parents we can be no matter what come to be. If you truly don’t feel you can cope with that risk and you truly don’t feel ready to love and raise a child, no matter who they may be, then you have a lot of thinking to do in a short space of time.

what is your mental health like Op?

So anyone whose opinion you dislike is going to be accused of 'scoffing'?

Ok, as long as we know.

I have a severely autistic child. It's hard work and our life has changed beyond measure but not once have I ever wished he hadn't been born. He is a joy and my beloved son despite how hard it is. The love I feel for him is the strongest feeling in my life. It's made DH and I's relationship really strong and we are happy despite the daily struggles.

I feel like everyone is going to pile on here but I see if that you're just being honest and seeking support, so please ignore some of these replies!

Becoming a mother is hard enough and many people are loaded with all of these same worries about missing their life etc. For some this is extreme and their mental health takes a real nose dive during pregnancy. Antenatal depression and anxiety are real and deserve support. It sounds like you're suffering from both. You can't see the positives anymore despite this being a previously much wanted child. And you're completely overwhelmed with anxiety.

I think the chances of you having a child with such severe autism that they can't enjoy any part of their life is slim. People with autism can, and do, live very happy & meaningful lives. I'm so sorry your DH has found things hard. But that isn't always the case.
I think when you meet your child you will just absolutely adore them, no matter what, and you will be ready to be there for them and support them, no matter what. If they do have autism, they will have the perfect parent who understand being ND and therefore know how to provide real support. Maybe that way they would find it less hard.
Parenting is hard always, so I'm not trivialising that. But if you have wanted to be a mother then I think you should go for it. However, I think you should be referred for support for anxiety ASAP.
If you refer to pregnancy decision making team then you get your discuss your worries with a psychologist and maybe that would benefit you? They can help you decide how you want to proceed? Then hopefully if you go ahead with pregnancy you could get a referral to health psychology asap? Or your local IAPT service? I think you need to talk all of this through with a professional asap.

I think posting on here will sadly only mess with your head more and make you feel ashamed to share your worries!
I really wish you the best of luck whatever you decide

People don't tend to post on a forum about things that aren't challenging, they post for help.

Me posting about how my autistic daughter is highly gifted, has friends, was always chosen for the public speaking roles at primary, as Mary in the Nativity etc. that's she's predicted all 9s in her GCSEs, that she spoke early and was signing in sentences long before others her age were talking, that she potty trained herself by deciding she wasn't wearing nappies anymore at 2. That she never, ever shows any challenging behaviour, not even as a toddler she never tantrummed, loves rules and does anything you ask her.

That doesn't help a person struggling with their own child who has autism impacting them in a significantly different way, who is incontinent, non-verbal and aggressive.

So just because you don't read positive stories it doesn't mean they aren't out there. My DD still has her struggles around noise, and exhaustion and the busy school environment, food and visiting new places but it isn't insurmountable

One way to frame it is that it's because you will MAKE a GOOD and thoughtful parent that you have anxieties and doubts now. Nature is preparing you for your job as a parent by giving your brain new areas of enquiry. Later on in pregnancy progesterone kicks in and you will possibly feel very much calmer.
Every stage evolution prepares us for the future, you are hardwired ATM to be thinking of how to make your offsprings life better a d safer which is why you feel doubts and anxieties . To meet those needs

Was just going to write this. No serious medical history behind me or dh, expecting identical twins, perfect scans and boom....first beautiful boy is born sleeping at birth. My second angel died in my arms 3 days later. You never know what life will throw. I wouldn't change having them for a moment though. Becoming their mam was the best thing I've ever done.

You aren't wrong to worry, OP, but the reality is, it's a roll of a dice really.

My job attracts people with ND and it's such a huge spectrum which means I, as a non-ND person, must exercise patience sometimes. But generally I find it no problem. Sometimes the retention of information is patchy, and conversations are a bit chaotic, and there's the occasional obsession with something...but having a diversity of thought processes is actually a good thing for problem solving. I am actually not too suited to my job, my head is away with the fairies, often, so I value colleagues with the ability to focus hard and be extra logical.

OP I wouldn't worry too much. Being ND is more prevalent than you think. My DD said recently she suspected her dDad has ADHD and I see it now. Odd I didn't notice it when I was married to him. My nephew also has traits.

Does your husband feel happy about the pregnancy? Does he understand you may have a child who is ND? Is he fully committed to parenting a child no matter what?

It sounds like those in question had parenting issues that don't have to apply to your children. And just bc someone likes video games doesn't mean their life isn't worthwhile. If your child is nd they likely won't experience the late diagnosis that some in your family had.

Oh shut up. Of course I thought it though. ‘Waited for 40’ - how about started trying 8 years ago and had given up thinking it wouldn’t happen?

And when you choose to have a child, that is the dice you roll. Some people regret having children, yes.

This is something a little… scary about you oP

You have told a few people on mumsnet threads to “shut up” when they have disagreed with you or asked a question you don’t like

I'm in a reasonably comparable situation to you but not pregnant, I wouldn't want to risk it for the reasons you mention but also because I find life hard as it is just trying to look after myself and that's with lots of free time (outside work) and coping mechanisms. I couldn't even deal with a baby crying because I'm very sensitive to noise, having one crying at random times for at least 5 years seems like my own personal torture. But to a lot of people they'd laugh it off and say "nah it's fine, everyone copes!" That's everyone else though, not me.

You are absolutely going to miss your life and getting used to the idea of throwing it all away will help you if you start preparing for it now so it's less of a shock.

Your body, your choice. Of course you can terminate for any (or no) reason whatsoever.

how far along are you op?

is your partner given how you describe him - someone you’re happy with to be the father of your child?