Page 7 | To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

EalingLucy · 2024-11-04T16:21:01+00:00

Sorry if this offends, i really don’t mean it to. Im pregnant, at 40. I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism. He has a lot of Autism in his family, some quite severe with neices not being able to go to school etc. we wanted this child but now it’s a possibility I am so scared the child will be profoundly autistic like his family members. I just can’t see how I would cope, and even though it sounds mean, I just don’t want to live like that - they are now adults and unable to live independent lives, it’s hugely worrying and stifling. I don’t think the pandemic helped. All they do is play video games and they have no interest in human interaction at all. being ND myself I get easily overwhelmed and worried about things and I know I wouldn’t cope well. on top of this the enormity of motherhood has me very anxious too, what if I miss my life? I like my life! And my alone time - a lot of it. on the other hand I love children and have felt for a while that I won’t feel fulfilled without one. Like life is sort of pointless even tho I do enjoy mine. Having the closeness of being a mum looks lovely. All these thoughts have disappeared with my anxieties tho and I am just filled with dread and fear. I am honestly considering a termination because of this anxiety and being convinced I will have an autistic child. am I being silly? how do others cope with these worries? are there any specific kinds of counsellors I should see? It seems generic counsellors can’t help. im at a loss of what to do. yabu - you are worrying too much yanbu - you are right to be worried

Whatafustercluck · 04/11/2024 20:08

This is such a difficult one, op, as I understand where you're coming from on this. We've been to hell and back with our now 8yo dd's ND, but despite all of that, she's simultaneously the best thing that's happened to me (though I haven't always felt that way). I see the world very differently because of her, and I am grateful to her for that. Mostly, although I don't want to change her, I wish that life was easier for her and her struggles break my heart. Has she changed our lives, not always for the better? Yes. But do I regret having her? Not for a second.

I'm a NT mum, who has had a lot to learn about the ND brain in a short space of time. I'd say you have an advantage, and will know instinctively how to help and support a ND child if you have one.

Original poster

EalingLucy · 04/11/2024 20:12

Plastictrees · 04/11/2024 20:00

Yes - she has to sit with that uncertainty and accept that there is nothing she can do right now to find out if a) her child will be neurodivergent and b) if she will cope. In the same way she can’t know for sure if millions of other things may happen to her and her child, I’m not sure it’s helpful to try to problem solve all hypothetical scenarios. The OP is stressed and pregnant, it’s an anxious time and her feelings are valid. Her feelings are not a criticism of anyone else or their situations.

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Thank you so much. I’m tired of trying to explain now so it’s very useful to have someone advocate in this articulate and accurate way.

Sitting with uncertainty is exactly right. Usually easier than today; suspect I am raging with pregnancy hormones.

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Original poster

EalingLucy · 04/11/2024 20:13

Whatafustercluck · 04/11/2024 20:08

This is such a difficult one, op, as I understand where you're coming from on this. We've been to hell and back with our now 8yo dd's ND, but despite all of that, she's simultaneously the best thing that's happened to me (though I haven't always felt that way). I see the world very differently because of her, and I am grateful to her for that. Mostly, although I don't want to change her, I wish that life was easier for her and her struggles break my heart. Has she changed our lives, not always for the better? Yes. But do I regret having her? Not for a second.

I'm a NT mum, who has had a lot to learn about the ND brain in a short space of time. I'd say you have an advantage, and will know instinctively how to help and support a ND child if you have one.

This is reassuring, and I’m sure true. I would really enjoy being able to support an Nd child in a way that I wasn’t able to enjoy and helping them thrive.

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OCDmama · 04/11/2024 20:35

Yanbu to be concerned. I was with my second child. My husband was tested for autism a lot as a child, then just assumed to be odd. Grimaces, can't remember faces, easily overstimulated, took maths GCSE early, PhD in physics, builds computers, doesn't make eye contact, doesn't give gifts as not understanding convention etc. He'd probably be diagnosed with autism now but there'd be no point. He's a functioning adult with a job and a family.

Your nieces are likely similar. Really, their parents have dug themselves a right hole there. If they can play computer games I'm assuming their autism isn't that 'severe' (i e., they're not incontinent and non-verbal) and they need to be pushed towards independence by hook or by crook. Luckily you've now seen the results of not pushing young people with mild neuro diversity though, being completely mercenary. Not getting a job or becoming an adult can't be an option, simply because you can't live off your parents forever.

I expect to be piled on too. But there is a big difference between people with 'autism' able to hold a job and type on mumsnet and people who are stuck in a sensory nightmare they can never escape or articulate.

Putthekettleon73 · 04/11/2024 20:41

Whatafustercluck · 04/11/2024 20:08

This is such a difficult one, op, as I understand where you're coming from on this. We've been to hell and back with our now 8yo dd's ND, but despite all of that, she's simultaneously the best thing that's happened to me (though I haven't always felt that way). I see the world very differently because of her, and I am grateful to her for that. Mostly, although I don't want to change her, I wish that life was easier for her and her struggles break my heart. Has she changed our lives, not always for the better? Yes. But do I regret having her? Not for a second.

I'm a NT mum, who has had a lot to learn about the ND brain in a short space of time. I'd say you have an advantage, and will know instinctively how to help and support a ND child if you have one.

❤️

Makingchocolatecake · 04/11/2024 21:26

IF you have an Autistic child (big IF) they could be verbal, intelligent, highly functioning etc

ShinyBinLid · 04/11/2024 21:44

I understand your fears. I had my children young (in my 20s) and one is autistic and the other possibly as well (if not then definitely ADHD). Lots of autism in mine and DH family, but all people who are able to live independent lives, no learning difficulties etc.. Even at this level my experience of parenting is very different to what I imagine/see/hear parenting NT children is like. I would have liked more children but wouldn't roll that dice again especially now I'm older as I know I couldn't cope if they had very high support needs.

IVFmumoftwo · 04/11/2024 22:24

EalingLucy · 04/11/2024 17:14

Yes, any birth is a risk 100% which is why I feel my pregnant hormones may be doing a number on me.

were you worried about autism if you tried for a baby?

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I understood it was high risk especially as my husband is also older than me. As it is I am suspecting my two year old son might be on the autistic spectrum anyway.

Original poster

EalingLucy · 04/11/2024 22:30

OCDmama · 04/11/2024 20:35

Yanbu to be concerned. I was with my second child. My husband was tested for autism a lot as a child, then just assumed to be odd. Grimaces, can't remember faces, easily overstimulated, took maths GCSE early, PhD in physics, builds computers, doesn't make eye contact, doesn't give gifts as not understanding convention etc. He'd probably be diagnosed with autism now but there'd be no point. He's a functioning adult with a job and a family.

Your nieces are likely similar. Really, their parents have dug themselves a right hole there. If they can play computer games I'm assuming their autism isn't that 'severe' (i e., they're not incontinent and non-verbal) and they need to be pushed towards independence by hook or by crook. Luckily you've now seen the results of not pushing young people with mild neuro diversity though, being completely mercenary. Not getting a job or becoming an adult can't be an option, simply because you can't live off your parents forever.

I expect to be piled on too. But there is a big difference between people with 'autism' able to hold a job and type on mumsnet and people who are stuck in a sensory nightmare they can never escape or articulate.

That’s interesting. I do think it’s a case of nature and nurture in this case - they haven’t been helped by the environment perhaps. They are most certainly very obviously different, perhaps like your husband. No idea on actual levels of intellligence, average I would say - the one that has done GCSEs did ok but another hasn’t been educated for two years as he was expelled.

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