To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

[EalingLucy]

Sorry if this offends, i really don’t mean it to.

Im pregnant, at 40. I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism. He has a lot of Autism in his family, some quite severe with neices not being able to go to school etc.

we wanted this child but now it’s a possibility I am so scared the child will be profoundly autistic like his family members. I just can’t see how I would cope, and even though it sounds mean, I just don’t want to live like that - they are now adults and unable to live independent lives, it’s hugely worrying and stifling. I don’t think the pandemic helped. All they do is play video games and they have no interest in human interaction at all.

being ND myself I get easily overwhelmed and worried about things and I know I wouldn’t cope well.

on top of this the enormity of motherhood has me very anxious too, what if I miss my life? I like my life! And my alone time - a lot of it.

on the other hand I love children and have felt for a while that I won’t feel fulfilled without one. Like life is sort of pointless even tho I do enjoy mine. Having the closeness of being a mum looks lovely. All these thoughts have disappeared with my anxieties tho and I am just filled with dread and fear.

I am honestly considering a termination because of this anxiety and being convinced I will have an autistic child.

am I being silly?
how do others cope with these worries?
are there any specific kinds of counsellors I should see? It seems generic counsellors can’t help.

im at a loss of what to do.

yabu - you are worrying too much
yanbu - you are right to be worried

I think AutumnalBaker is the bad fairy at the Christening. Unbelievable.

I'll never forget a particularly unpleasant practitioner at CAHMS when I went with ds2 aged 7, who said to me in a patronising tone, of course you should never have had three children, you couldn't MANAGE. Ds2 being a twin this was particularly unhelpful advice...
I think that was the day I decided I was an excellent mother and it was the advice givers that were mostly shit

That will never happen as it's well known as a spiky profile. What would be the use of measuring the exact degree anyway? There was previously Classic autism and Aspergers syndrome and those even got rid of that basic differentiations - and they were down to IQ and not a measurement of 'autisticness'.

It’s a pity Asperger’s syndrome wasn’t replaced by a similar meaning name. The term was stopped because of Hans Asperger’s Nazi connections. Classic autism never included many of the current ND population but sadly I think you’re right that autism will never be accurately measured. Sadly, because the severity of some people’s autism will be underplayed.

Thanks for mentioning this. I think this is really important.

Yes very true. I am talking about being worried about the truly disabling kind.

loving the blanket statements of ‘your child will definitely have autism. You should terminate it’ lol.

funny how this person knows more than any doctor or genetic counsellor could.

honestly, mumsnet seems to attract some absolutely horrible people.

glad and grateful to those tho that shared their experiences and tried to be balanced in perspective.

thank you.

loving the blanket statements of ‘your child will definitely have autism. You should terminate it’ lol.
funny how this person knows more than any doctor or genetic counsellor could.

says the OP “convinced” her child will be autistic

Have you never heard of anxiety?

You enjoyed that little dig though, didn’t you. Hope you’re really basking in the glow.

...but you've said you are convinced the baby will be autistic, and you've considered a termination - why are you angry that some agree with you?

i have

but you are now scorning people “lol” for having a view that less than an hour ago, you were “convinced” about

All you have done throughout this thread is go and pick holes, read into everything I have said in the wrong way and try to attack me.

im pregnant and stressed. So I posted on mumsnet for some support.

you on the other hand are sitting there waiting for me to post so you can try and make me feel bad. Do you not have a life? Friends? Family? Anything else to be getting on with? Why are you so nasty?

I really think you need to go and amuse yourself somewhere else, as I’ve said multiple times. All you are doing is making me feel like there are some really sad cases out there and at least I’m not one of them no matter how stressed I am today.

your plan to undermine is just not working, so toddle on.

No, I told you to shut up. As have others.

I’m anxious about the fact they might, hence asking for feedback. I KNOW there can be no certainty - otherwise I’d have the answer? So posting my child will ‘definitely have autism’ is unhelpful because it is clearly factually incorrect.

@flipdiddle81 @TinyBlueHoe im leaving this thread now as I’ve gotten the input I wanted from people with valuable perspectives - not either of yours. Do enjoy your two person little pile on tho, hope it gave you a little frisson of joy in your lives tonight!

I think your concerns are valid and undoubtedly heightened by the enormity of becoming a parent and worries about how your life will change. I had similar concerns when I was pregnant, as autism runs in DHs family. You just have to sit with the uncertainty and accept that whatever happens is out of your control and focus on what you can control - managing your stress and anxiety, relaxation, providing a safe and loving home for your baby. The truth is that there are so many what ifs when it comes to parenting (and just life) and so much that could be difficult but also so much joy. Even in the worst case scenario in your mind, you would cope if that happened because it would involve the baby you grew and know and love, whereas now it’s all just abstract. Don’t let the fear of what if ruin your pregnancy.

Keep an eye on your anxiety as peri/post natal anxiety is very real. It could be worth seeking psychological support before baby arrives to have techniques and strategies in place to manage anxiety. The first year is full of milestones that can be quite stressful if you are vigilant of your child’s development, it’s easy for this to be something to obsess and fixate on. All the best OP!

Thanks so much. This is sound advice!

The OP has said "Kids need to learn to fit around society I’m afraid - it seems lots of parents think the world needs to revolve around them and it does them no favours."

Nice...

lovely

OP, you're being very rude to anyone who is challenging you/you don't like the answer they have given.

Quite rightly, what you have written will trigger many people for a variety of reasons. This was a choice YOU made, it didn't just happen to you (how many times are men berated on MN for having unprotected sex as obviously they know the chance of a baby at the end). You knew the risks. This is a choice you made.

At the end of the day, you knew the chances of having a ND child (v high); what you don't - and can't - know is the impact this will have.

You seem very focused on responding to 'positive' responses - saying that sounds doable etc. But these posts are pointless...
You simply have to simply ask yourself - if it happened that you DID have a ND child with profound difficulties - could you cope?

@EalingLucy

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting perspective. I have found NT boyfriends both exhausting and boring with their constant need to socialise and talk! So perhaps having a ND child would be better!"

So maybe the real question you should be asking yourself is if you could cope with a NT child, given you seem to find NT people exhausting and boring! Imagine the uproar if NT people described ND people in similar terms.

That’s a pointless question. We often do not know how we’d cope in hypothetical situations. We just have to hope for the best.

I think this thread has been triggering for certain people, in which case they can just scroll on by.

I have to be honest and say it makes me really sad to hear that your main reason for having a child is that you don't want to miss out and you want the closeness of a mother-child relationship.This seems to me to be the start of being a narcissistic mother, so I think you may need to step back and reevaluate.I think this wins the most bonkers statement of the day award.

@Plastictrees - but surely, at the end of the day, that's what the OP is trying to determine.

Yes, she has a much higher chance of ND, due to her and her DH's ND, plus her age. She knows that. What she's worried about is being able to cope.

Yes - she has to sit with that uncertainty and accept that there is nothing she can do right now to find out if a) her child will be neurodivergent and b) if she will cope. In the same way she can’t know for sure if millions of other things may happen to her and her child, I’m not sure it’s helpful to try to problem solve all hypothetical scenarios. The OP is stressed and pregnant, it’s an anxious time and her feelings are valid. Her feelings are not a criticism of anyone else or their situations.