To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

[EalingLucy]

Sorry if this offends, i really don’t mean it to.

Im pregnant, at 40. I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism. He has a lot of Autism in his family, some quite severe with neices not being able to go to school etc.

we wanted this child but now it’s a possibility I am so scared the child will be profoundly autistic like his family members. I just can’t see how I would cope, and even though it sounds mean, I just don’t want to live like that - they are now adults and unable to live independent lives, it’s hugely worrying and stifling. I don’t think the pandemic helped. All they do is play video games and they have no interest in human interaction at all.

being ND myself I get easily overwhelmed and worried about things and I know I wouldn’t cope well.

on top of this the enormity of motherhood has me very anxious too, what if I miss my life? I like my life! And my alone time - a lot of it.

on the other hand I love children and have felt for a while that I won’t feel fulfilled without one. Like life is sort of pointless even tho I do enjoy mine. Having the closeness of being a mum looks lovely. All these thoughts have disappeared with my anxieties tho and I am just filled with dread and fear.

I am honestly considering a termination because of this anxiety and being convinced I will have an autistic child.

am I being silly?
how do others cope with these worries?
are there any specific kinds of counsellors I should see? It seems generic counsellors can’t help.

im at a loss of what to do.

yabu - you are worrying too much
yanbu - you are right to be worried

I found the opposite tbh. Having DC with additional needs wrecked my marriage. Most of my friends with disabled children are divorced/separated. I think it's a far more common scenario.

Me too and I love him more than life itself but these threads are frustrsting as they rarely acknowledge how disabling autism can be for some people.

Honestly I was terrified of having a child with autism, and it was a roll the dice situation. So YANBU.

No need for the aggressive shut up. If you really did think it through then you wouldn't all of a sudden be wondering if your child would be ND with that family background or questioning to get a termination. I'm sorry you tried for so long and it only just worked out but maybe you need to have a real talk with your DH about whether he's also ready for a child who could quite possibly be autistic too. I wish you all the best as I know it's a shit situation to be in

I think there is a need

accusing someone of ‘waiting till 40’ deserved a ‘shut up.’

But surely this gave you even more time to think through the implications, both for you as a parent to any kind of child, and of your likelihood of bearing a child with autism?

Nobody can reassure you that you will cope with motherhood, or that you will give birth to a child you can cope with. There's no test.

Do the reasons that you wanted a child in the first place, and spent eight years trying to conceive, stack up against your fears? I was 40 when I had DS and my father is autistic, plus my best friend is married to an autistic man (only diagnosed in his 40s when his two sons were) and the mother of two autistic sons. I thought about the risk before TTC, and decided I would be able to cope with what came.

Thank you. This is very sage and accurate advice. I am already being piled on by the usual ppl who just like to be nasty, I will ignore! But you’re right, professional counselling is the way. I’ve already self referred to iapt and spoken to my employee assistance line. Have also asked a fertility counsellor to let me know availability for private sessions.

I have PMDD so I get very stressed with hormonal changes. I think this might be behind my anxiety as I was feeling fine a week ago when I found out!

This was my attitude before conceiving - I knew the risks and felt DH and I were well placed to manage them.

but now it’s actually happening I’m terrified - pregnancy hormones not helping I’m sure, I have an extreme reaction to hormones at the best of times.

hence asking for reassurance here but of course the usual suspects start the nasty pile-ons!

Yea this @Devilsmommy. you should think more carefully before trying to make someone in a really horrible situation feel even more shit.

I felt fine with the prospect hence trying - tho as it hadn’t happened for so long I assumed it wouldn’t and was looking into adoption.

Pregnancy hormones are not helping, and I feel different now to before we fell pregnant.

I think I have been triggered by seeing DH’s neices yesterday and being reminded of how difficult things are for them. We are all so concerned for them and it’s horribly worrying.

has your husband always been keen for a child OP given how you describe his extreme struggles with his mental health over many years

Thank you.

My friend was in the same position, she decided to continue with the pregnancy.

Her son does have autism which she expected, he is quite affected and goes to a special school. I don't think he'll ever be able to live independently but she's really glad she had him, he is her world!

She worries about who will look after him when she's gone, though.

It’s something I definitely felt ready for before falling pregnant, so I suspect this anxiety is somewhat hormonal.

I’ve also been super fixated on having a miscarriage, go figure!

yes you did

but your husband given how you describe his struggles?

Yes. This. I have two sets of friends who are shadows of their former selves because life is just so utterly hard for them. They can’t leave the house, go on holiday, invite people round, will have to look after their children forever (one is non verbal and unable to be in school, the other not so bad but still has severely affected my friends mental health)

Yes my friends have this worry. I would really struggle with that.

How did it work out?

Isn't it a risk that any child could have a disability when you are pregnant? They could have a disability as a result of birth. You just have to cross your fingers really and hope for the best. I get quite cross at the "Autism is a super power" brigade as for a fair few people it significantly affects everyday life but many others have normal lives. My husband is definitely on the spectrum but has a job and family. My nephew on the other hand is unlikely to completely independent.

Or trapped in marriages where neither feel they can leave as life would be so hard solo parenting. I know one couple in this situation.

To be honest though all parents feel that!

Seeing it through my eyes, I wouldn't want a child that struggled so much, who would? (she has had to fight and fight for help) but I think when they're yours, you love them and would do anything for them.

So yes, it might be really hard, but you won't mind! And equally it might not be as difficult as you think.

I think a lot of posters don’t understand how antenatal depression can be a real thing. In my pregnancy i fixated on not wanting a boy which I feel awful about now but those feelings were very real and at the time very scary.

The whole point of feelings is that’s what they are - you feel a certain way and they don’t always respond to logic. And attempts to make people feel bad for feeling them are futile as mostly the person already feels bad but they still feel the feelings.

Yes, any birth is a risk 100% which is why I feel my pregnant hormones may be doing a number on me.

were you worried about autism if you tried for a baby?

Yes, this!!

It’s a legitimate worry to have. Only you can decide whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. Even if planned, you’re not wrong if you change your mind now it’s out of the realm of the purely theoretical.

My friends mind tho. I think that’s what scares me. They’ve been badly affected by it.

my sister in law and her partner handle it better I think. But they are so on the spectrum themselves I think it suits them to have children who also don’t like change etc.