To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

[EalingLucy]

Sorry if this offends, i really don’t mean it to.

Im pregnant, at 40. I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism. He has a lot of Autism in his family, some quite severe with neices not being able to go to school etc.

we wanted this child but now it’s a possibility I am so scared the child will be profoundly autistic like his family members. I just can’t see how I would cope, and even though it sounds mean, I just don’t want to live like that - they are now adults and unable to live independent lives, it’s hugely worrying and stifling. I don’t think the pandemic helped. All they do is play video games and they have no interest in human interaction at all.

being ND myself I get easily overwhelmed and worried about things and I know I wouldn’t cope well.

on top of this the enormity of motherhood has me very anxious too, what if I miss my life? I like my life! And my alone time - a lot of it.

on the other hand I love children and have felt for a while that I won’t feel fulfilled without one. Like life is sort of pointless even tho I do enjoy mine. Having the closeness of being a mum looks lovely. All these thoughts have disappeared with my anxieties tho and I am just filled with dread and fear.

I am honestly considering a termination because of this anxiety and being convinced I will have an autistic child.

am I being silly?
how do others cope with these worries?
are there any specific kinds of counsellors I should see? It seems generic counsellors can’t help.

im at a loss of what to do.

yabu - you are worrying too much
yanbu - you are right to be worried

Only you can decide how you feel OP. And it’s all very circumstantial and up to chance as you see from posters here, for some it makes marriage stronger, for some it destroys marriage, for some it’s just a small added factor to life with that child, for others it’s a child who can never be independent and needs daily help forever. There’s no crystal ball, it’s a very personal decision.

As far as I know both mine are NT, but they are very young still. One of the things I’ve come to realise though is my ‘job’ is to be what they need and if they are disabled in any way (I am a bit worried ds has some mild learning difficulties tbh) then I just have to support that. The biggest challenge is comparison.

See this sounds lovely, and doable.

Yes, it’s very likely that your child will be neurodivergent.

No, you will not have any idea how that will appear in terms of severity, etc.

There are far more people who are neurodivergent living pretty ordinary lives, maybe a bit ‘quirky’, than there are non verbal autistic people who will never live independently for example.

However, we have neurodivergence in our family and knowing what I now know and having parented a child with various diagnoses to adulthood, I would never have another child under any circumstances, because of my first two sentences.

Nobody can tell you what to do, especially those who have never experienced parenting a child with additional needs. There are Facebook groups you could join which would give you a flavour of what life may look like. I know I couldn’t cope with the worst it could be, so I wouldn’t have another child.

Yes. I guess this is my key challenge - handling the uncertainty.

I’ve gone from being super worried I will never conceive in my mid30s to super worried I have conceived and it is the wrong choice.

I know this is anxiety but it’s very hard to see out of it atm.

Thank you, it’s good to have this perspective too.

I think it’s important to be clear headed about these things and making the choice to not have another because of the risk is totally fair.

I guess I just struggle with what my actual risk is - I’ve got several neices and nephews on my side of the family who are not autistic and leading very happy healthy lives so it’s not a clear picture.

OP, the pregnancy hormones play all kinds of tricks on you.
They make you worry a lot. Just take one day at a time and enjoy your beautiful baby when thry arrive.

Thank you :)

you really don’t want to elaborate on your husband’s view on having a baby given his many years of serious mental health struggles

Any pregnancy could result in a child with a profound disability and the need for lifelong care. there is no reason to worry about ASD in particular. It is just one of any number of conditions every parent must be prepared to take on.

Just have to add the standard spiel. There are plenty of us who are very happy being autistic and would not want to be neurotypical. We have successful careers and happy lives. Sure, we may be unusual, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with us.

Yea that’s a great way to see it.

I can see comparison being hard if your child doesn’t hit milestones or isn’t able to live an independent life.

I was academically gifted as a child so I will have to be careful not to expect the same from my child. I don’t think I will care tho- I just want them to be happy and lead some semblance of a life they like.

No, I’m not avoiding the question - I just can’t read most of your posts properly tbh as they were worded strangely.

he’s very keen - obviously. I said we both were. He feels a fair few of his challenges were environmental and that the world is different today. He’s also learnt important coping strategies, as have I over the years.

What is this? Are you hinting at something? Maybe I’m a bit on the spectrum myself but I’ve no idea what you’re on about.

And people with mental health problems are allowed to become parents. FFS

read how the op describes her husband and his decades of mental health difficulties

this isn’t a man who wants a baby

indeed they can

whether they should whilst they are still suffering from said mental health issues is another matter entirely

Lol ok love, keep putting words in my mouth!

it wasn’t ‘decades’ - and I’ve answered your question, and had already stated he really wants a child!

Logically, as there is a strong family history and both parents are ND, then your baby will be ND too. The first few years will be a huge loss of alone time; very young kids are clingy and need your physical help with everything. It will pass faster than it feels at the time. That happens with any baby/toddler, NT or ND.

Severe anything is a gene mutation and cannot be predicted; it's a roll of the dice that could affect anyone, not just you. The more realistic likelihood is simply that your child will have "normal" ADHD or ASD or a common comorbidity and will otherwise be totally healthy.

So, yea, you're being "silly". I cope with logic (and forgetting stuff; I have ADHD too). Idk about therapy, but I'd guess any counsellor who specialises in anxiety. YANBU but you are borrowing too much fear. The most likely outcome is a child who is a bit like you and a bit like your DH but otherwise lovely and healthy and with as good a chance at a good future as the next kid. Idk if it's the hormones or the unknown but I totally get not being able to believe everything will be okay until the healthy baby actually arrives. It's okay to be scared and anxious. Just don't let it take over completely. Best wishes with the rest of your pregnancy. x

So now you’re telling me my dh doesn’t have a right to a child? Wow. He doesn’t even suffer anymore?! You’re very, very strange and I’d like it if you could leave this thread as you’re not adding anything constructive. He would be the most wonderful father.

Start your own thread to discuss this and stop badgering a pregnant woman who is struggling already.

i wasn’t saying there is anything wrong with autistic people - of course there are many happy ones. I think I am probably one tbh and have had a very successful life if you were to list achievements etc. My DH hasn’t had a conventionally successful life but is the loveliest person I know.

it’s just the scenario with DH’s neices I worry about, which is pretty dire and extreme.

Sorry to post again op but my DH has the same genetic condition my son has and is waiting for a ASD/ADHD assessment and he's the best, most wonderful father I could have given my children and he has struggled with his mental health in the past.

I'm ND and have one child with ND and one without. Tbh I find my ND child much easier to relate to. My NT child baffles me a lot of the time. He tires me out with his constant socialising 😂 As an ND person your child being NT might be the bigger challenge. You just can't predict these things. However what I didn't fully understand before having children is was how much you just adore the child you have. I love both of mine equally and fiercely.

This is a great response, thank you.

loved this and could definitely cope with it:

‘The most likely outcome is a child who is a bit like you and a bit like your DH but otherwise lovely and healthy and with as good a chance at a good future as the next kid. ’

and it is probably more likely than imagining parenting my neices, who has two parents who are a lot more ND than me and my DH

Thank you.

I think mental health issues can make people more empathetic and wise. My DH is those things, along with patient and kind.

I’m glad yours is a wonderful father too.