To not get the whole ‘I can’t wait to be a grandparent’ thing

[Sparklytopattheready]

Maybe I’m just a miserable git but I don’t get it…
my kids are late teens/early 20s and I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered about being a grandma.
I know how hard and relentless parenting can be and being a single mum doesn’t help.
I know several people who chose not to have kids and they are all off living their best lives, lots of free time, mortgage paid off early, multiple holidays a year.
Then there’s today’s society - the world is overcrowded, the pressure of social media, global warming, NHS in meltdown etc etc.
I can honestly say I’d be happy for my kids to never have children!

I bet you’re fun at parties.

I personally don't mind whether my children have children, however, I completely understand your perspective. There is something special about the grandparent/grandchildren bond - not always, of course, but often.
Some of my favourite memories from childhood are the times I spent with my grandparents. I used to love staying with them. There was something magical about it. My grandparents are long gone. The last one died 25 years ago, but just remembering them makes me feel all warm inside.

Grandchildren are the reward you get for having children. All the fun and far less worry.
Obviously if you don’t want to be a grandparent that’s fine but they add another dimension to life at a stage when life really needs a new dimension. It’s a decision that can never yours though.

"So having an important career that helps people isn’t meaningful? Being a good friend and person and helping those when they need you isn’t purposeful?

According to you, I live a consumer frivolous life that has no purpose. I guess you don’t think I deserve to exist.
Thank god I have a wonderful family and friends who couldn’t care less that I have no intention to breed."

Marie Curie managed to have 2 children and win 2 Nobel prizes.

Having DCs shouldnt mean women/our daughters lose any opportunities to achieve anything they want in life.

My DCs, being like me (!), want to have DCs and value family. I've told them I'll support them to achieve this. Eg I'd move to where they were living to help with childcare. Why would I put so much effort helping with their education to gain successful careers for that to be thrown away due to childcare costs? My DCs will need me more in adulthood than in childhood. Negative experiences of motherhood are often linked to a lack of support. My DCs won't have this.

My obligations to the DCs I longed to have don't end when they hit 18. I feel duty bound to continue to provide for their needs throughout the life course.

We need the next generation to have more DCs. We will have demographic collapse without more children. I want to help them not show indifference.

I'm appalled at the selfishness on this thread.

Thank you 😊

I wasn’t bothered either way to be honest. I see mine once a week for a few hours and it’s great but it’s enough for me.

It’s not going to happen soon as they and their partners are concentrating on careers long holidays and buying houses. Be very nice if it happens, but I’m busy with my own life for now. I’d never put pressure on them, it’s for them to decide

For me, having kids has been the meaning of life. I'd want that for my kids, in a similar way. But only if they want it. Its their time now, I've had mine.

@unmemorableusername so what happens if any of your dcs - or all of them? - decide that parenthood isn't for them?

Do you voice your displeasure and try to change their minds?

Selfish is having children that you don't want. You can't be a good parent if you don't want the children.

It’s up to your kids to decide what gives their lives meaning. Not you.

I saw a Facebook meme which said “Grandchildren are the reward for everything you’ve done right in life.”

I thought, wtf? Like people see grandchildren as something they deserve, rather than a privilege, a bonus?

@unmemorableusername selfish is having children you don't really want and then not putting in the effort to raise them well. Of course if you have dc you owe them love and support, to put their needs ahead of your wants, while they are growing.
However, It isn't a terrible thing to not want one's whole adult life to be subsumed into meeting others' needs! We get no say in the decision of our dc, to have children of their own - it's their adult choice. Not mine. At some point I'd like to travel with my husband and please myself - not have my life constrained by school runs and term dates and nursing kids through GCSEs etc. I don't think our purpose in life is just to mind children until we die!
And I was someone who really wanted my dc and have absolutely put their well-being first - all my life decisions have been made with what's best for them in mind. But I'm a person too and I'd like to have the freedom to live as I please as I get older.

I've seen a lot of my parents friends become absolutely knackered through becoming full time childcare for their grandchildren. And it's largely been taken for granted!
So if my dc have children, I will love them and support where I can. But I don't actively wish for it and won't promise to do full time childcare.
I'll be like the granny upthread who does the treats snd nice days out but still has her own life.

I have 3. The chances of none of them having DCs is extremely slim.

Often the reasons for not having DCs are not having enough support. They don't have that problem.

I've warned them not to assume they will still be fertile after 30/35 so they shouldn't delay their life plans (the ones old enough want DCs).

Yes the chances are slim. But if they decide not to, you will persuade and pressure them?

If so, then that is really selfish.

As @KimberleyClark says, surely It’s up to your kids to decide what gives their lives meaning. Not you.

"You can't be a good parent if you don't want the children."

That's untrue. 1 in 4 pregnancies are unplanned. The vast majority are good mothers.

"It’s up to your kids to decide what gives their lives meaning. Not you"

My DC agree with me!

Although she's young DD has already said she's not having kids. I completely understand her reasons. Her dad & I were not shining examples to draw from. There are other reasons she's given too. I didn't have her so I can have GCs anyway, and I would never put pressure on her have kids. It's very much a personal choice.

Because you’ve influenced them.

I'm not in the slightest bit interested in becoming a GP. I have DC ranging from early 30s down to 19 (and still at home) and have no bloody interest in starting again with babies and toddlers, thanks.

I've had to retire on ill health grounds and I have very little energy. I've spent almost 35 years non stop dealing with kids and their issues and I don't want to do that all over again.

None of my DC currently want children of their own and I'm happy for that to continue. I'd actually like a bit of a life of my own now without feeling pressured to look after small children to give someone else a break/allow them to work.

No thanks.

The only thing I want from my DC are that they be financially independent ( very difficult in the SE)
reasonably happy
reasonably good people.

If they can manage that in the current hellscape, I will be immensely proud and fulfilled.

YANBU

I think it is actually troubling how many say this and pressure their children to the point where many feel they have to have children when they are on the fence or don’t really want them.

The ones I find the most off-putting are the grandparents who push and nag their adult children into parenthood and promise to do xyz over and over and then when the grandchildren arrive, they are nowhere to be seen or only come around for a photo op to tell their mates they do xyz when they do nothing. Seen and heard way too many stories of this happening.

I also think phrasing grandchildren as a reward is messed up. Grandchildren are not an achievement nor has anything to do with the grandparents other than birthing and raising their parents.

I had children because I wanted them. I would expect my own to do as they please and I would be happy for them regardless of their choice to have or to not, same with getting married.

What, ‘influenced’ them by getting joy out of their existence? Jeez… the Debbie Dystopian Downers are out in force on this thread.

I love being a granny - it is very different to being a mum - but what matters to me is that my dses and their partners are happy and fulfilled, whether that includes children or not.