To not get the whole ‘I can’t wait to be a grandparent’ thing

[Sparklytopattheready]

Maybe I’m just a miserable git but I don’t get it…
my kids are late teens/early 20s and I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered about being a grandma.
I know how hard and relentless parenting can be and being a single mum doesn’t help.
I know several people who chose not to have kids and they are all off living their best lives, lots of free time, mortgage paid off early, multiple holidays a year.
Then there’s today’s society - the world is overcrowded, the pressure of social media, global warming, NHS in meltdown etc etc.
I can honestly say I’d be happy for my kids to never have children!

I never got the “can’t wait to be a Mother” thing, so being a GP is definitely not on the agenda🤭

I had the chat with my adult kids and told them that there is absolutely no expectation from me that they have kids. Having kids is increasingly expensive and a massive commitment and shouldn’t be done by people who aren’t keen or not sure. I will not judge if their money goes on stuff like holidays and their homes. They were pretty surprised and massively relieved as mums wanting to become a granny is a very common trope on tv/movies.

I’d imagine that being a granny would be fab as you get a sort of parenting experience in small doses but if it doesn’t happen then I’m perfectly ok with that too.

But it's a horrible feeling when your parents don't love your DC as much as you do.

I am not at all bothered about gcs either.

I want my dcs to enjoy their lives in whatever direction they choose, parenthood or not.

I cannot imagine choosing to have dcs to carry on my line! That's just a lot of pressure.

Also I find it interesting when gps seem to want to revolve their lives around gcs. Insisting on being involved at every turn. Crying (literally) when they aren't. Many just don't have their own lives, it seems. Well, from what I read on MN anyway. My ex mil was a bit like this. Crying fat tears when she couldn't see her gcs when she wanted. She saw them weekly anyway.......

I think that being a grandparent is often more fun than being a parent, as you can treat your grand children and have fun with them, without having to do the practical parts of parenting such as getting up in the night with babies, etc.

I think that I’d enjoy being a grandparent but certainly don’t put any pressure on my teenagers to have children. Right now, DD (19) thinks that she probably won’t and DS (16) thinks that he probably will. We’ll see. 🤷

I think much of the excitement over grandparenting comes from the previous generations, where certainly a lot of women found/invariably had a lot of their main sense of fulfilment and achievement derived from raising a family. While I don't agree with them pushing expectations on their own adult children, I can definitely see how they would be very excited to see little ones in their family again and become involved in their upbringing.

@CharlotteLucas3 Really? I’m well aware that my in-laws don’t love my children as much as their own adult children. I’m slightly surprised tbh, but it doesn’t bother me.

Whereas my Dad absolutely adores them, especially DS as he feels that they have a lot in common. Which is fine, I don’t need to be top dog. 😂

Some of my happiest moments have been with my grandchildren. It's like being a parent but without the stress.

This . Plus Grandchildren behave for their Grandparents but play their own parents up 😂. It's true Grandparents get all the nice bits and hand them back at the end of the day .

This is exactly how I'm spending my retirement and I have zero interest in gc which is just as well as none will be forthcoming. I'm secretly relieved.

I worry enough about the future my AC will face, let alone any gc

I would love to be a Granny, probably just 10 years to go until it will be too late biologically for my kids now in their 30's but I never ever mention it. If my kids chose not to bother that's up to them. I can fill my house with cats if needs be. I'll probably still be working full-time for another 20 years so wouldn't be able to be a school run type Granny anyway.

I'd really like to have small children in my life again, but I don't feel that it's down to my children to provide me with them. If things were different, I'd like to foster children once my kids were settled elsewhere, but I don't think DH would be on board, and I'm likely to be working full time until I'm in my seventies unless my health takes a downturn.

There are plenty of people with children who sometimes need a break and don't have anyone who can help, so I'm sure that I'll have children in my life in one way or another, whether I'm a biological grandparent or not.

I'm not bothered. To be honest I don't want to be looking after young kids and if DS has kids I know I'd feel bad if I didn't help out where I can as I had no help and it was such a struggle.

I don't want to be a grandmother either. I won't be now because DS and DIL are mid 40s and have no intention of having children.
I have grandcats and that good enough for me.

What a strange post and thought process!

I work with pregnant women and you can see who the are the GP that are fizzing with excitement and those who couldn’t really be bothered.

I’m definitely going to be a fizzer. My eldest is due to get married soon and she’s already asked when she has a baby will I help out with child care. Of course I will - it’s normal in our family for GP to be involved in the raising of kids. I’d happy have them every weekend! 😁

For me - children bring so much energy and life in to families. I’ve been blessed with three wonderful girls so one of them will give me a child child 😂

I chose not to have children so, obviously, will not have grandchildren. I must say though that it doesn't sound that great to have them when I listen to some of my friends.

It seems that because child care is so expensive a lot of children expect their parents to do the childcare.

One of my siblings looks after her grandchild one day a week which she enjoys but her daughter doesn't like it if my sibling wants to go out that day or go on holiday

I absolutely loved being a mum - was a sahp, life pretty much revolved around my dc. But I don't actively want to be a grandparent for all the reasons mentioned in the OP. And I think that if you've been a parent to multiple children and therefore spent many years in the trenches of it, you can have enough and be quite grateful to be 'done' as they get older. Not that it ever really is 'done' - adult children still need you but in different ways.

Maybe it's a menopausal thing - I love babies and children and often think 'aww, aren't they cute' and miss when mine were tiny, but in truth I wouldn't want to do it again and long for some personal freedom!

I also honestly believe my children will have a better quality of life if they are free to travel and enjoy themselves, without being tied to all the emotional graft involved in raising children well.

And mils can't do anything right, so I don't fancy being held hostage through love of my grandchildren!

I'm sure if I had them, I'd adore them but I just don't actively hanker after them. I want my dc yo have the lives they truly desire and don't expect them to continue the family line or fulfil my ambitions.

I feel the same way! I can really identify with the "longing for personal freedom" aspect of your post ABirdsEyeView

I think quite a few men managed the personal freedom aspect of life quite well when they worked full time - golf and football on a Saturday followed by the pub - and sahms less well but they still had pauses in their day.

Now women wft as well, there is absolutely no let up and we are expected to parent more intensively, and for longer, than ever before. Certainly more intensively than our parents did. And we are having babies later. Adult children are living at home. And many retired people are looking after GC on a regular basis while their adult DC work. And have responsibility for elderly parents too. When do women ever catch a break?

I want whatever my children want. If they choose to have kids, then great. I'm sure I'd adore any grandchildren I might have. If they don't want children, that's fine. I want them to live the life that's best for them. Their lives, not mine.
My MIL made it all about her. Repeated requests to give her grandchildren. Always about her and her grandchildren - never about what we wanted! We gave her two grandchildren, but it wasn't enough, and she kept asking for more, even when i was my 40s. She'd say, "I just want one more grandchild."
We get on very well, but this is the one issue we seriously fell out over. In the end, I actually had to say, "This isn't about you. DH and I have completed our family. We don't want any more. "

I feel pure dread when my DD talks about all the babies she wants to have. She's only 6 though so hopefully she'll change her mind 😂 I absolutely do not want to be a Grandma. People always say "Oh but it's great you can hand them back!" - obviously I'll support my DD and undoubtedly love any GC but I'd prefer there were no children to give back in the first place.

"I also honestly believe my children will have a better quality of life if they are free to travel and enjoy themselves, without being tied to all the emotional graft involved in raising children well"

This too. I want DD to be free.

My Mum told me years before I had children that she wouldn’t be providing regular childcare as some of her friends were doing, because it was too restricting.

Sadly she died before becoming a Grandma, but I understood her logic. Best to set those boundaries early on!

I am really looking forward to it and to me it will be a great joy. I hope to god my kids decide to have kids. Obviously it's their choice but yes I would be super disappointed if it didn't happen. I like to think of a part of me and my family continuing down the line of the world. Part of the reason I had kids was that I'm an only child so that would be my parents' only chance to have a grandchild, and I think that's OK.

If my son doesn't have kids the whole of my grandparents line will die. That's just life and his to live not mine. I'd rather he be happy and if that's without or with kids so be it. Enough people are being pressured it seems to have kids!