To not get the whole ‘I can’t wait to be a grandparent’ thing

[Sparklytopattheready]

Maybe I’m just a miserable git but I don’t get it…
my kids are late teens/early 20s and I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered about being a grandma.
I know how hard and relentless parenting can be and being a single mum doesn’t help.
I know several people who chose not to have kids and they are all off living their best lives, lots of free time, mortgage paid off early, multiple holidays a year.
Then there’s today’s society - the world is overcrowded, the pressure of social media, global warming, NHS in meltdown etc etc.
I can honestly say I’d be happy for my kids to never have children!

YANBU. My dc are 19 and 16. I'm sure I'll adore my grandchildren if I have any, but I wouldn't be particularly bothered if I didn't. My DM banged on at me about providing her with grandchildren from when I was about 17!

I have three DDs, all in their twenties now. The eldest will be 30 next birthday and is now almost two years older than I was when I had her (makes me feel old)!

None are currently showing any signs of wanting to have children of their own.

I am personally not that bothered about whether or not I ever become a grandparent. I've never put pressure on there and never would. If any of them do have babies then I'll be delighted and it will be exciting. I'll love meeting a grandchild and will help out where I can. If they don't have any then I won't be at all bothered because it's their choice to make.

So far it's not looking likely, though I am aware that things can change. I refuse to be downbeat about it.

Yeah it’s weird to a degree. I’m 31, and have friend that’s 41 without kids. She’s the oldest and has a younger brother who is 36/37. Throughout her 20s and 30s, her mum was going on and on about this and putting a lot of pressure on her. It really upset her. She’s single currently and just hasn’t found the right person to have children with and is at peace with this. For some reason had told herself if she doesn’t have kids by 35, it’s not meant to be.

Anyway, her younger brother has had a child in the last couple of years, it’s only since then that’s her mum has left her alone about having grandkids, now she finally has one. My friend is relieved, but it took her mum getting the grandchild she actually wanted, to actually leaving my friend alone and accepting that she won’t get any from her.

Sad really.

I became a grandparent at the age of 40, much earlier than expected and would have hoped for, but he is such a blessing. Being a grandparent is amazing and the love I have for my grandson is something else. It's the best thing ever.

I always wanted to be a grandparent, although of course I would never put any pressure on my children.

I know several people who chose not to have kids and they are all off living their best lives, lots of free time, mortgage paid off early, multiple holidays a year.

But it isn't either/or.

We chose to have children and now have 3 grandchildren.

All of the above still applies.

@Pusheen467 It sounds as if you regret becoming a parent. 🙁

I agree with @Haitchoraitchnobodygivesafuck , it isn’t either/or in the longterm. Our older teens aren’t stopping us from doing things or having holidays, we’ve got an exciting 2025 planned.

I think there is a big difference between having teens, and having dc coming up to their 30s.
It never crossed my mind when mine were teens / turning into 20s.
Now they are in stable relationships and in their own homes, and settled into jobs they enjoy, then that is a world away from where you are at the moment OP.
Now, quite a few of my friends are grandparents and I see how much pleasure it brings them, I do now think that is a time I am looking forward to, and then I think I hope I am young / fit / healthy enough to be able to support my dc as, when, and if they decide to have dc.

I don't say it to them though. That is completely different.

I'm a mother to 2 daughters so maybe this colours my view, but I would never pressure them to have children if they didn't want to.

I'm so sorry to read this. It's very disappointing that your mother didn't respect your choices.

I am sorry your mother is like that @Ineedwinenow .

Although the OP wasn't asking about people 'pressurising their dc to have dc of their own' but was asking if people are 'looking forward to being Grandparents', which is a world apart in my book.

@BruFord I do regret becoming a parent. Both because I don't enjoy it and because I've started to think bringing people into existence just to suffer (to varying degrees) and die is immoral. Absolutely not personal to my DD - she's amazing and deserves a better mother than me. But I honestly cannot imagine looking after young children again, I just don't have it in me. Tbf she might not even want me to look after them 😂

Looking over at gransnet, I know women can feel very left out when their friends go on about their grandchildren, show photos of them and can be quite smug about it all. Dropping out of arrangements because they are "needed" to look after a grandchild - " family comes first of course ". So to that degree, I can understand the pressure on wannabe grandparents, unreasonable as it might be

I feel you 💕

Agree.

"This seems very odd to me. Surely you have DC because you want them. Breeding the next in the line seems more like racehorses than children."

It seems odd to me that others don't think like this. I assumed everyone was mostly the same until I read MN threads like this.

I didn't see DCs as a hobby of childcare?
I wanted a family. An extended family. A family to continue down the generations.

I don't think I'd have made the sacrifices to have DCs just for them to have frivolous consumer driven lives then die. I dont see that as purposeful.

Frivolous consumer driven lives and then die?

That's a funny way of looking at it.

If my dcs don't have dcs then I don't necessarily think they will have frivolous consumer driven lives.

Even if they do, it's entirely up to them.

You can't have dcs and control them their entire lives!

What if they be some doctors? Nobel scientists? Genuinely good people that brought positivity to others. But they didn't have dcs themselves.

Breeding isn't the only purpose of living. Far from it.

Oh same. I’m sure when I am one I will feel different but i’m 48 soon and i’ve been a parent since I was 16. My youngest is 16 now, and i am looking forward to time for me, not babysitting grandchildren. That can wait, another 10yrs maybe I might look forward to grandchildren but not right now. One of my friends has 3 grandchildren already

I actively dont want to become a grand parent to the extent I dread it. Fortunately both dds now in their 30s are showing no inclination to breed and are out and about living their lives to the full. Long may it last

You will make a very favourable MIL

You sound fab and realistic

An earlier poster said she would never have had children if she'd thought they wouldn't breed because she's so scared of her family dying out.

Humans are so self obsessed. One day the Earth will cease to exist and so will all of our "lines".

Mr Passing Strangers mum was desperate for grandchildren. She got quite bad at putting pressure on. He had to say to her he was going on, if she kept mentioning it.
She was a nice lady really, very happy, very cheerful but wanted grandchildren.
Sadly for her two did come along quite abit later I life but she had passed away.
It's just the way it goes.
Nothings guaranteed.

Exactly you live for yourself and for hopefully to enjoy your life etc.
It's hard to understand why people want so many children all the time.
Life is bloody hard at times.

So having an important career that helps people isn’t meaningful? Being a good friend and person and helping those when they need you isn’t purposeful?

According to you, I live a consumer frivolous life that has no purpose. I guess you don’t think I deserve to exist.
Thank god I have a wonderful family and friends who couldn’t care less that I have no intention to breed.

I’m really quite taken aback by your comment.

@Hedjwitch Why would you dread it? Genuinely curious. How would it affect you?