To not get the whole ‘I can’t wait to be a grandparent’ thing

[Sparklytopattheready]

Maybe I’m just a miserable git but I don’t get it…
my kids are late teens/early 20s and I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered about being a grandma.
I know how hard and relentless parenting can be and being a single mum doesn’t help.
I know several people who chose not to have kids and they are all off living their best lives, lots of free time, mortgage paid off early, multiple holidays a year.
Then there’s today’s society - the world is overcrowded, the pressure of social media, global warming, NHS in meltdown etc etc.
I can honestly say I’d be happy for my kids to never have children!

Well I'm sorry your parents are being unfair to you that's not nice.

But on the point of wills- it's complicated.

Say you have 2 adult DCs. Both married. One with dc one not. All the age they won't have more.

If the childfree dc dies their inheritance will go to their spouse (no blood relation) then to his blood relations. I'd want to sort my will so only my blood descendants would inherit. I don't think that's unreasonable. I've worked to provide for my family, including future DGC, not the family of spouses of my DC.

I don't think I'd have made the sacrifices to have DCs just for them to have frivolous consumer driven lives then die. I dont see that as purposeful.

Your poor children. I hope that they remain childfree and very happy with their decisions.

You can certainly predict who will have 'Interfering MIL' threads started about them in the future.

They want to have dc, as most people do.

It's an easier decision when they know they'll be fully supported both financially & practically.

How many threads are there on Mumsnet where women want more DCs than they have but dont because they can't afford them/ childcare issues or aren't well supported.

Even in this thread lots want 'freedom' post DCs as if having DCs has meant no freedom for 20 years. My DCs won't have that. If they want childfree holidays/ weekends away/ nights out they can.

Yes, me and my adult dc already joke about this.

I've loved being a mum and I've already said that I hope that my dd will be able to enjoy the experience of being a mum too, but you sound incredibly narrow-minded and lacking in imagination.

Why on earth would you make the assumption that a life without children would be a frivolous, consumer-driven life lacking in purpose? I actually feel rather sorry for you if your children are the only things in life from which you derive any meaning.

I adore being a parent, it has brought me great joy and I'm immensely proud of the young woman that my wonderful daughter has become. And yes, I hope that one day she will experience the joy of having her own dc if that's what she decides she wants, but the idea that my life would be frivolous and without purpose if I didn't have her is ridiculous. I would still have a fulfilling and meaningful career. I would still get a sense of satisfaction from the work that I do in the community. I would still derive meaning from the other important relationships in my life - my DH, our wider family, my friends etc.

Your life sounds rather empty by comparison, and it must put enormous pressure on your dc if they feel that they are your only purpose and focus in life. Hopefully, they will develop healthier models for living than the one that you have modeled for them.

Do you think that people who are unable to have children live frivolous lives devoid of purpose? I pity you for having such a sad take on life.

If the childfree dc dies their inheritance will go to their spouse (no blood relation) then to his blood relations. I'd want to sort my will so only my blood descendants would inherit. I don't think that's unreasonable. I've worked to provide for my family, including future DGC, not the family of spouses of my DC.

My parents, through making that decision, have now been left with no care in old age - we had always said that we would have both/either live with us as we have a large house with plenty of land and live in their supposed favourite place. We are also the only people who could afford to supoprt them financially in old age because we are the highest earners by far in my family. We were willing to do that so if they needed care - either homecare or care home - so they didn't have to sell their house to pay for it themselves....so my sister and her children, who are not in the same financial position as us, would have their inheritance.

They expected to make the decision to disinherit me because of a lack of grandchildren and for us to continue with our plans to care for them and pay for them. My sister also supported their decision to cut me out because, in her view, it meant that her children will inherit money from my parent's house sale as well as anything I left.

Sadly, for them, their selfish decisions have resulted in us withdrawing our offers of help. We have also changed our wills so that my husband's nieces and nephews are the only family to inherit anything from us. My parents will have to sell their house for any care home fees etc. My three nieces will receive an extra few thousand now I'm out of the will as most of my parents money is tied up in the house.

They will be worse off financially and, as we have decided to not bother with my family at all, have lost the financial help that we have given my sister and her children for the best part of a decade. Not to mention the relationship with us, though I guess as it shows my sister and her children are only interested in being propped up financially so no great loss to us.

All because people like you believe that FAAAAMILY is just blood and that the man who has been my partner both in life and business for 30 years, who has provided care for my father when he was going through cancer a few years ago, who has babysat for my sister many, many times when I couldn't and she had no one else, who took my mother shopping and to appointments and spent hours talking to her when my father had cancer....might just inherit my estate on the off chance I die before him.

That's exactly the spiteful selfishness I'm talking about.

Thank you for proving my point.

You represent every bad stereotype of childless people.

The poster never mentioned being childless by choice. Don’t you think it’s cruel
to disinherit your children because they can’t give you grandchildren?

How?

Her parents decided her worthiness was based on her providing them grandchildren, dropped her yet expected her to continue to pay for them, care for them and the rest of the family.

They’re the types who seem like they have children to take care of them and care little for their free will and wants which imo is actually disgraceful. No child chose to be here and it is the duty of a parent to raise them, not for the child to become instant carer and finance the parents when they cannot take care of themselves more often from their own choices.

Such parents reap what they sow and that is why many of them end up alone or in a nursing home with no visitors.

That’s absolutely shocking. I don’t blame you in the slightest. Appalling behaviour.

It's seems to me that the only people behaving in a shocking and spiteful manner are the ones who are parents.

I said YABU because to be perfectly frank, it’s nothing to do with you. Just because you were a single parent and apparently hated raising children doesn’t mean your children will be the same. They could love it.
This attitude you have is toxic because you are showing that a perfectly ordinary step in most adults’ lives is somehow going to be nothing but negative. That doesn’t sound like you’re going to be any form of support to your children if they have children of their own, and it’s dangerous too. You could end up completely alienating them.
Having children is by no means a guarantee that you won’t be lonely in old age because sh*t happens (especially if you alienate and judge your children’s life choices by your own standards) but not having children absolutely guarantees that the best you can hope for is to die before everyone else you know. That’s pretty depressing no matter how big your house is, or how much you got to travel, or how high you climbed in your career.

I agree completely, @phoenixrosehere - the only people who should be ashamed are @oboeannie’s parents, who have failed to appreciate her as a person in her own right, and only see any worth in her if she gives them grandchildren!

I love and value all of my children, and that will not change if they decide to have children or not to have them.

My sister and her dh decided not to have children, and both my parents and I have always respected their decision. They are perfectly happy with their decision - they enjoy having nephews and a grandniece but that’s enough for them.

@unmemorableusername you seem to think that women exist only to service others. We don't!
If parents cba to visit and show interest in their adult children, they've no business expecting adult children to care for them in old age - relationships are reciprocal.

And no one is owed other people's money - not the parents who cba with their own daughter and not the sister, who sees the childless sibling as a cash machine!

Thank you for proving my point.

And thank you for showing me that my parents are not the only ones who only judge a person's worth by their ability to provide them with children.

You represent every bad stereotype of childless people.

No, I represent a group of people who are very very tired of being treated like second class citizens by society at large and, as I've shown, their own families because we did not provide them with grandchildren and so we have decided to treat said family as they have treated us for many years. With contempt.

Not one of these articles proves elderly childfree/childless people are more likely to be on antidepressants.

Loneliness can be felt by those with and without children, the biggest challenge facing eldery childfree/childless people is the lack of unpaid support (provided by children and grandchildren, mainly).

Women (childfree/childless and mothers) are typically much better at building community, which is why there is a male loneliness epidemic and not a female loneliness epidemic.

I can’t honestly say that I’m really bothered either way. I adored my own children and I care deeply about my nieces and nephews. I’m pretty good with all children, but I don’t want to “raise” any more, thank you. I wouldn’t be able to afford to give up work to provide free childcare even if I wanted to.

Me neither. My DS and his partner have been together for 6 years and are in their 30s so might consider having a child in the near future. I half hope they don't due to the state of the world at the moment.

Exactly and having a family can be extremely stressful, the more people there are, the more problems there are.
People can be grandparents and the parents split up and grandparents don't get to see the grandchildren anymore.
How stressful would that be, having a grandchild taken out of your life because the parents split up.
It happens. It devastated people to lose contact with the grands.

It's not always the parents fault that children don't visit that's narrow-minded.
Some offspring are horrible.

There are also people in nursing homes who don't get visitors because their children have died or live across the other side of the world.

Well I won’t be putting any pressure whatsoever on my DC to have their own kids. Their lives, I want them to choose how they live them.

MIL started asking me aged 24 “was I feeling broody” - I definitely wasn’t! - and it felt very odd at that time for somebody to be suggesting to me it was time to have children!

When our DC arrived, roughly 10 years after that - MIL showed herself to be completely disinterested in having any sort of relationship with her grandkids.

It has been hurtful how little time parents in law have spent with our children.

I realise now that the importance for MIL was that all of her children had their own children, for appearances sake. Not because she was particularly keen to enjoy her grandchildren.