To not get the whole ‘I can’t wait to be a grandparent’ thing

[Sparklytopattheready]

Maybe I’m just a miserable git but I don’t get it…
my kids are late teens/early 20s and I can honestly say I’m not at all bothered about being a grandma.
I know how hard and relentless parenting can be and being a single mum doesn’t help.
I know several people who chose not to have kids and they are all off living their best lives, lots of free time, mortgage paid off early, multiple holidays a year.
Then there’s today’s society - the world is overcrowded, the pressure of social media, global warming, NHS in meltdown etc etc.
I can honestly say I’d be happy for my kids to never have children!

I never really had time to be 'desperate'. I had my DC quite young and became a grandma at an age where a lot of people still have children in primary school. I do love it though. My DC would never expect me to restrict my life or do anything I wasn't happy to, so the involvement I have (which is a lot, childcare, over nights, see them every day) is my own choice and brings me joy. Alongside lots of other things I do independently like those on your list, which I do as well, so feel very fortunate to have the best of all worlds. Perhaps if I was in my late 60s and there was no sign of GC on the horizon I might feel a bit hopeful that would change, because I'd want to play the role for as long as possible while I was fit and healthy (I took DGC camping for example, which was amazing, and maybe not something I could do if I was 70s rather than 50s) but of course that would not be my choice to make, and no one is owed GC at a time to suit.

I remember Simon Amstell saying that his very Othodox Jewish father said that marrying out of the religion was 'doing Hitler's work for him'.

Mine are only toddlers so this seems a long way off...

but being a grandparent looks great to me! You get to do the fun bit of parenting, your kids are grateful when you help out, but don't have to do the bad bits - sleepless nights, discipline, changing nappies etc... I can't wait!

I would absolutely not want to pressure my kids though, they should make their own choices to live their own lives as they see fit!

I’m looking forward to it but my dds are at university and it won’t be for a while yet, Tbh I am very happy taking a term time break from parenting as I am in my sixties and tired.

I imagine if I had had children twenty years earlier, I would be more anxious to get stuck in to the nappies and imaginary play!

I won't have gc and I'm absolutely fine with that. Doesn't interest me.
Dh has 3 but there won't be any more.

Oh my god.

I'm ambivalent. My DD is in her mid 20s and getting married next year and I'd be a rich woman if I had a pound for everyone who's asked me if they're planning to have a baby soon and commented that I must be excited about the prospect. Actually I want her to have a baby if she wants to have a baby and not if she doesn't. I don't really see it as anything much to do with me. I got to make my own choices and so should she, I wouldn't try to influence her either way.
We live nearly 5 hours drive apart so there's no way I could be a particularly "hands on" grandma even if I wanted to, and to be honest, I don't particularly want to.I'm happy as I am. I've recently retired, my children are all grown up and I don't like babies/toddlers that much. I expect I will probably find my grandchildren, should I ever have any, more enjoyable than other people's but I have no desire to change any more nappies or get up in the night etc unless essential. I've done my share of that kind of thing thanks! I'd help in an emergency of course, but there's no way I'd want to be providing regular childcare even if we moved nearer.

When my kids got married, I never gave much thought to being a grandparent, although I would be lying if I said that deep down I wasn't bothered about grandchildren.
That said, it's certainly not a subject that I brought up with them.
Although when my son placed his first born in my arms at just a couple of hours old, and said here you are grandma, I just melted.
My youngest has always stated that she doesn't want children, she's very career orientated and she made sure she married a man with the same mindset, and that's absolutely fine by me too.
My kids lives are for them to live as they see fit, whether that involves having children of their own or not.

I don't get it either OP. DD has never wanted children and I have never imagined ever being a Nanna . Expecting your (generic your), child to produce a child to "carry on the family genes" or for any other reason is selfish IMO. Nobody should become a parent just to keep somebody else happy. As for the "you'll never know love until you become a Grandparent" nonsense well that, to me, is vomit inducing.

My longing to be a grandparent was stronger than my urge to have my firstborn. The ache was gut wrenching..

I'm with you OP. I just really want my daughters to be happy and fulfilled in their lives - whether or not that includes having children is entirely up to them. It is not obligatory for a rich and meaningful life.

But the difference surely is that deciding to have a child is (usually) your own decision. You can’t decide for another person to have a child, gut wrenching desire or otherwise.

Thanks for all your replies, some of them are interesting to read and have lead me to contemplate why I feel this way🤔
I think a big factor is that my ex wasn’t a hands on dad when we were together and did even less when we split so I’ve basically shelved my life to bring up the kids - I wouldn’t want that for my daughters ( I know I’m cynical but it’s usually the woman who makes the sacrifices) I have a few health issues but have to work even though I’m feeling dreadful because if I don’t pay the rent then no one else will!
Also I only had 1 GP growing up and even though she was lovely, we would only visit occasionally and she never babysat us. History repeated itself and my kids only have 1 GP too and she’s quite rigid - she belongs in the 19th century!( that’s a whole other thread but we don’t make old bones as the saying goes!)
so I’ve never really seen the side of grandparenting that a lot of people on here have.
Maybe if my kids decide to become parents I’ll break the cycle, I’d certainly want to and as lots of you have said it’s much easier being a GP than a parent 🤞🏼🥰

I’m very sad that I’ll never have grandchildren of my own. All my stepchildren are parents but it’s not the same. Obviously I’d never say that to any of them but I see my friends with their grandchildren and I do feel I’ve missed out on something special.

I was young having my Dc and as a result became a grandparent in my 30s. Personally for me I never had an opinion either way, if they had kids it was up to them, if they didn't also fine. I definitely didn't have kids to 'continue the family line', that sounds like something royalty do not normal people. Life is tough now and childcare costs a fortune, I was lucky not to have to pay for childcare but my Dc isn't so lucky because all the grandparents are still working. There's enough pressure on people as it is without the pressure to reproduce so people can be grandparents.

This a million times

Two years ago I felt exactly the same then just before Christmas 2022 DD and DSiL phoned and said that they would be bringing someone else with them when they came for New Year. A few weeks later my DS and DDiL appeared on the doorstep (they live 4 hours away) with presents - a Grandfather tshirt for DH and a framed scan photo for me.

The babies arrived two weeks apart and I can not express how much I love them. I see them every few months, I see photos of them several times a week and I have zoom calls with them regularly. I am a besotted grandmother and my husband is equally in love. I had no idea how I would feel until I heard the news and the rush of love I have for those babies takes me surprise each time I see them.

This creeps me out when grandparents say stuff like this. Just imagine my MIL thinking she has a more special bond with my children than me 🤢 Just be normal.

I would much rather have grandchildren than holidays. I don't have grandchildren now, and it's looking increasingly unlikely, which is a huge sadness to me ( unspoken, obviously).

She said it’s a different bond, not that it’s more special than a mother’s bond. Get a grip.

I completely agree with you. I always had very strong maternal feelings and was desperate to be a mum. However, now I have two children I feel I've scratched that it has. I don't understand people who have the same yearning to be a grandparent - and then oressueise their children to have children!
My MIL (who is actually a lovely person - I love her) was completely obsessed with us having children and wanted us to have three! It's all she seemed to think about. It really was an obsession. We have two and she's a wonderful grandmother. Still she's mourning the fact we didn't have three.

There are a lot of things that you could argue are "in our DNA" that we have thankfully evolved beyond.

Men sleeping with anything with a pulse to sow their wild oats, for instance. (Allegedly women weren't monogamous either - increases chances of babies.)

But humanity has evolved.

My DC are in their 30s and it's unlikely I'll have GC. I'm absolutely fine with it. Of course I would love them if they existed but I feel no sadness that they don't.

But then it's a choice that's been made by my DC. If they wanted children and couldn't have them, then I would be sad for them but again my sadness wouldn't be for myself.

I do find it kind of weird that some people get so upset about not having grandchildren, especially when they act as if their DC somehow "owe" them GC. I don't get it at all. I just want my own DC to be happy. There's lots to be said for a child free life. I loved being a mum but it's not always been easy. Having GC would also be another generation to worry about!

Agree with others.

This is odd. I hate to break it to you, but in the grand scheme of the universe, your (and my) lineage really doesn't mean diddly squat.

We'll all be stardust one day. No-one will remember us.

My MIL was what I would call oppressively excited to become a gran. She kept doing boundary-pushing things, making really mad suggestions, then rowing back saying that she didn't want to intrude.

She actually retired so that she could help us with childcare, and is a bit miffed that we prefer having him in nursery three days a week and us both with compressed hours.

(DH's idea due to specific concerns about them as childcare, plus she lives an hour away so not exactly practical!)

No doubt BIL will indulge her grandparenting needs, she already provides more doggy daycare for us than she does babysitting.