Friend overstepping boundary with DC in school

[thesurreymum]

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

Why have you not spoken to the school in over a year about this? Speak to the head teacher especially about unwanted physical contact

You speak to the school. They are meant to be teaching kids antibullying stuff. She should be fired.

Raise this with senior school staff. I would have done that months ago.

You complain to the head teacher.

Dear HT

I am writing to complain about Mrs TA.
Over the past year she has done
A ...
B ...
C ...
I have asked her on numerous occasions to stop saying DS does not like it, as has DS, but for some reason she has persisted.
This makes DS feel .... and is causing .. issues.

Apart from this issue DS has been happy and learning well, but this is overriding is feelings towards school.

Please can you take whatever steps necessary to make Mrs TA stop.
I would now prefer it if she did not interact with DS at all unless absolutely necessary.

Kind regards

Where do you go? Through official school channels.

the definition of ‘bullying’ is repeated action when the recipient has told them to stop. Your child is being bullied by your ‘friend’. Up to school immediately and formally complain that your child is bring bullied by a school employee.

talk to the school? perhaps they have a safeguarding lead?

and explain that you would like your child to understand consent, and be able to exercise some autonomy over unwanted touching.

lots of professionals who work in education settings would avoid touching any child as far as possible. to hear about someone who keeps doing it after the child shouts 'stop' is actually quite concerning.
you want your child to grow up with self-esteem and the confidence to say no, in order to keep him safe.
she is actively undermining this. her employers should send her on a training course and be very firm that her behaviour needs to change if she wants to keep her job.

any decent safeguarding course would also teach her that causing children distress by persistently calling them names they don't like is also not good practice! the unwanted touching (aka 'assault' in legal terms) is a very clear-cut issue to address first as it'd be hard for the school not to take this seriously.

Why have you not protected your child from all this in a year? Go to the head and make a complaint. You should have also spoken to the actual teacher. If nothing happens then contact the school governors. Good luck.

You need to report this to the school, they need to be sacked.

You've let this ho in for an entire year??! Why on earth didn't you escalate this to the head teacher long ago?!

Thank you for the feedback. Just to clarify the hugging was out of school at a social event. The thing is I'm not downplaying the feelings of my child but to get her potentially sacked from her job seems very extreme.

But it's okay to essentially bully your child and let her continue to bully other children?

You won't be getting her sacked. Her behaviour will.

A grown adult, employed by the school, is basically bullying your young child. She’s been asked to stop and continues. You need to have a conversation with the headteacher, now. I wouldn’t have let my child spend a year tolerating this bullying from a peer much less someone in a position of responsibility in school.

It won't get her sacked. It hopefully will get her told to stop.
If she doesn't stop, her behaviour will get her sacked.

She is apparently enjoying what amounts to bullying and taunting a small child. And she’s completely ignoring a child’s clear boundary around physical touch. She shouldn’t be working in a school.

(Though in reality I’d be very surprised if she got fired.)

Where do you go?

Obviously the school. Deputy Head or SENCO are often the line managers of LSAs/ TAs.

I'm really cross on your behalf - she is traumatising a child she should be caring for, abusing her position being both family 'friend' and TA, and will get a massive telling off over this, if she doesn't escape a disciplinary.

She will probably not be sacked straight off, but officially warned. If she carries on it will be her fault and not yours, as PP says.

You have had numerous conversations about this with her, she is choosing to ignore them. She isn't giving you any choice but to go above her head and talk to head about this. Just lay out the information truthfully, factually and unemotionally.
Socially I would not let her be in presence of DC without you, and if she hugs or uses the nickname I would pull her up on it, every time.

The nickname calling will not get her sacked. She may well be spoken to/ made to see that it is not funny but is unpleasant, unnecessary behavior. It should stop immediately.
If for any reason it continues and if she approached your child in or out of school inappropriately, and you contacted them again it would be much more serious then.
Report explain about the nicknaming despite repeated requests to stop (good wording from @TeenToTwenties above) and then give them a chance to retrain a relatively new TA (who was, it seems, encouraged by the reception teacher in the name calling!!)

Please advocate for your child at once.
Why on earth have you let this go on for so long, your child has had to endure a year of this, he must feel completely let down by the adults in his life.
She is an adult, she is in a profession where safeguarding should be at the forefront, you have warned her and she has chosen not to listen. By not reporting this you have allowed her to bully your child for a year, whatever the consequences, she can't say she wasn't warned.

As a TA, this is a big no no !! She absolutely should not be doing this . It is over familiar and bullying !
school meeting asap; and follow every conversation up with a email !

Speak to the head. Protect your child- and other children seeing as she’s already doing it to other children. Put in a formal complaint about her behaviour. It’s not your fault if she gets fired. It’s her fault for acting inappropriately.

Being sacked for knowingly bullying a child is not extreme. But she wouldn't be sacked unless she persisted after being told by her managers to stop. If she failed to stop after being told to by her managers, she should be sacked.

You say some of this has happened outside of school. Are you still friends with her? If so, why?

To me this is like people don't live in the real world, ìd find it hard to complain to a principal and as you say maybe get her sacked, I would however say it to her again and say that you can't have this conversation again with her but would she mind leaving him alone and not commenting as he is getting very stressed, and inly then if it happens again I'd go to the principal. The usual crowd u dermining you as a parent instead of giving advice, which is what you asked for.

You need to decide what's more important. Schools carry out safeguarding training, if she's not applying the policy and therefore becoming a risk to children and their well being. Her behaviour is not ok and you're letting it happen.