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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend overstepping boundary with DC in school

149 replies

thesurreymum · 04/11/2024 08:05

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
fairycakes1234 · 07/11/2024 09:07

Ilovelurchers · 06/11/2024 22:30

OP it speaks well of you that you are wary of getting her fired. While you are justifiably angry about her repeated unkind teasing of your child, it would be disproportionate to want to ruin her life and potentially put her at risk of homelessness and severe mental health issues because of it. (Which being sacked in these circumstances could very well cause, as it would be almost impossible for her to get another job in education).

However, I have worked in management in schools and am as confident as I can be that this would not be a sacking offence - certainly not in the first instance.

She will, I would imagine, simply be spoken to about it to start with.

If she chose the continue the behaviours after that, yes it could lead to the sack - but that would be very much her choice.

If you want to be generous, speak to her again about it and make it clear that you will be speaking to the head if any of it happens again.

The other thing to be aware of - your child tells you they respond in a certain way when she does this stuff - but 5 year olds can struggle to give accurate accounts of their conduct in stressful situations. Your child might actually be freezing a little and not really reacting/showing much response. So it's plausible the woman doesn't realise how much she is upsetting them. (Though obviously, assuming she is a normally intelligent, neurotypical adult, she ought to have more empathy and ability to work out what is and isn't appropriate.)

I'm conflict averse, and always reluctant to risk getting people into trouble at work unless it's essential I do so, so my actions would be:

  1. One more even firmer conversation with the woman, warning her that your next step will need to be reporting to the head if the reading continues.
  1. Then, if your child reports further incidents with the woman, as long as you are confident your child is able to report this accurately (we all know 5 year olds can sometimes tell us what they think we want to hear, or can get confused about when things happen etc) then I would go to the head, with an accurate account od what you believe to be happening, and ask the head to investigate.

I think that's a good plan

fairycakes1234 · 07/11/2024 09:08

RawBloomers · 06/11/2024 22:13

In what way is one more request to stop after a year of doing so more "living in the real world" than making the complaint straight away?

Your plan sounds more like a plan for someone right at the beginning of the journey rather than a year down the line. As though you just can't accept the fact the OP has done what she's said she has.

Show quote history

She's just been giving good advice so hopefully she gets sorted.

Annio82 · 07/11/2024 09:14

BlueSilverCats · 06/11/2024 22:16

Forgot to add, don't mention any incidents out of school, as that was your job as a parent and her friend to deal with.

I disagree. While it’s not the school’s job to respond to that incident it is important information about a woman who has access to children on a regular basis that she doesn’t respect consent, boundaries or autonomy.

Katiesaidthat · 07/11/2024 09:19

Torontospliffavoider · 06/11/2024 22:30

my DS had glasses when he was 5 and the TA called him Harry Potter in a snide and unpleasant way in front of all the other children. This lead to the whole class name calling my DS constantly. She did it every morning and throughout the day. Including a fake posh Harry Potter accent and making circles with her hands over her eyes.

She literally taught the children how to tease and bully.

We complained to the Head (awkward as the TA was a friend of our neighbour) and DS chose new glasses but the teasing from the children never stopped.

He's at a nice new school now where TAs don’t bully children.

Just wow. I can´t believe anyone would think this ok. But then, I was bullied (I realise now) as a 7 year old by my teacher. The only teacher I ever had problems with from 4 to 24 when I left university. I met her by chance on the street once (I didn´t recognise her at first), when I was 16. She hardly looked me in the eye. My mum disliked her too.

Member984815 · 07/11/2024 09:19

Go to the teacher and explain its ruining your child's experience of school. I doubt she'd get the sack but it's making your child uncomfortable . Don't let her hug your child . Your dc has a lot more years of school to do and shouldn't have to put up with this.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 07/11/2024 09:20

No. No more last chance, no more asking nicely one more time for her to stop. And definitely no emails copied to the head.
She is an adult who enjoys bullying five year olds, and gets the rest of the class to join in!
Makes me wonder why the class teacher hasn't stopped it. Your "friend" might be too much for the teacher to handle too.
You might (will) lose a friend over this but she needs to be stopped. She doesn't belong anywhere near a classroom. Ask for a meeting with the head. Have the elements of your complaint written down ready so you don't forget to mention any of them.
Follow up with an email, to confirm everything you discussed.
If the thought of a face to face with the head is too much, then use the template a pp gave above and put it all in an email.
She's a nasty piece of work OP, there's something "off" about her, and getting her out of that school should be a plus not a negative.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 07/11/2024 09:20

Bloody hell op. You need to Stick up for your child. If he doesn’t like her hugging him then you tell her and make a huge fuss about it. I have a boy who doesn’t like physical contact (just about tolerates his mum) and someone hugging him would cause him great distress. She’s majorly overstepping and if you don’t raise it now at some point she will get herself in a lot of trouble.

BackOnTheAntibiotics · 07/11/2024 09:27

You need to write to the head in the strongest possible terms OP. Leave out nothing. It's for them to decide which bits to use when having a 'please explain' interview but it's all relevant, in or out of school.

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 07/11/2024 09:32

thesurreymum · 04/11/2024 08:05

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

Complain to the head teacher about all of it, including the class teacher giving them a nickname

PinkyFlamingo · 07/11/2024 09:44

So basically you've put this woman's feelings above your own child's....just why? They are being bullied and you've never spoken to the school?

NewMrsF · 07/11/2024 09:45

Stick up for your child.
she is bullying your child.
and yes she does deserve to lose her job over this, she is making a young child uncomfortable in a setting where they should feel safe.

NewMrsF · 07/11/2024 09:49

If you can’t be bothered to advocate for your child you shouldn’t be a parent.
this really angers me.
by not doing anything about this you are teaching your child that there are no safe people, that his feelings do not matter and that you will not protect them.
that sounds dramatic but it’s true, why would your child turn to you if they were being abused when you didn’t even stop name calling by a friend of yours?

Jessie1259 · 07/11/2024 09:50

Complain OP, she won't get fired. Most likely they'll have a word with her and make sure the behaviour stops and possibly give her more training. How did the class teacher not notice this going on?

DuckDuck1234 · 07/11/2024 09:52

As a teacher (and a normal human being!), I am absolutely horrified by what you've described, OP. It is completely unacceptable for a teacher to behave that way. You should definitely kick up a fuss, tell the school, keep complaining until it stops!

TofuTart · 07/11/2024 09:55

thesurreymum · 04/11/2024 09:52

Thank you for the feedback. Just to clarify the hugging was out of school at a social event. The thing is I'm not downplaying the feelings of my child but to get her potentially sacked from her job seems very extreme.

She's bullying your child and you're just sitting back and letting her. 🥲
Why won't you say anything to the school head teacher?
It might get her to stop. If she doesn't, it's her actions that would cause further consequences, not yours.
It's not like you haven't given her chance to pack it in.

Hereforaglance · 07/11/2024 10:52

Daft question here but have you actually spoken to the school about this or have you spoken to everyone else bar the school

ruethewhirl · 07/11/2024 11:02

OP, please stop letting this awful woman laugh at your child. Your DS will remember this, and remember that you didn't defend him.

VivianLea · 07/11/2024 11:46

thesurreymum · 04/11/2024 09:52

Thank you for the feedback. Just to clarify the hugging was out of school at a social event. The thing is I'm not downplaying the feelings of my child but to get her potentially sacked from her job seems very extreme.

Are you joking? This woman is bullying your child and making school an unsafe and unhappy place for them. Think of the consequences. The deserves to lose her job, she's very unsuited to the role. Protect your child OP, go to the headteacher now.

Tagyoureit · 07/11/2024 11:51

I would loudly ask why she feels it appropriate to tease a child for over a year in front of a whole load of people.

She's some kind of fuckwit to be taking such pleasure from upsetting a child!

And complain to the school repeatedly until the message is clear, her behaviour is not appropriate!!

VivianLea · 07/11/2024 11:54

When DC was in nursery there was a TA there who was unkind to him. I raised it with the school twice, and then moved him. It turns out they were taking it seriously and she left at the same time as my DC, but they didn't communicate that to me. It was upsetting to complain (I actually was in tears explaining the problem to the nursery) but it's the right thing to do. Afterwards speaking to other mum, they all felt the same and really regretted not speaking up.

It's a privilege and a right to protect and defend your child. Parents are there to protect and advocate for their children, especially when the children's wishes aren't being heard.

mm81736 · 07/11/2024 12:32

I don't understand why you did t tell the class teacher to begin with, just the TA.Even if the TA had stopped, the teacher wouldnt know he did t like it!
As you haven't mentioned it to tge school before, they cannot take disciplinary action.Also bear in mind your ds might be lying as lots of children do to get their parent's attention.

Lurkingonmn · 07/11/2024 19:15

TeenToTwenties · 04/11/2024 08:11

You complain to the head teacher.

Dear HT

I am writing to complain about Mrs TA.
Over the past year she has done
A ...
B ...
C ...
I have asked her on numerous occasions to stop saying DS does not like it, as has DS, but for some reason she has persisted.
This makes DS feel .... and is causing .. issues.

Apart from this issue DS has been happy and learning well, but this is overriding is feelings towards school.

Please can you take whatever steps necessary to make Mrs TA stop.
I would now prefer it if she did not interact with DS at all unless absolutely necessary.

Kind regards

Perfect. This should have been done before. You should have addressed it with her more formally, then the class teacher, but in writing really does seem to be where you are at now.
You will not get her sacked but even if she did it would be the result of her actions not yours. She will only be getting in any trouble if it continues happening and really that is a consequence of her cobtinued actions.
You will be helping to support your child and there is no shame in that- especially as it seems you have tried all other options before and she has not taken uou seriously.

Iwashopingnottobreakmyduck · 07/11/2024 19:20

thatsmypotato · 04/11/2024 08:09

You speak to the school. They are meant to be teaching kids antibullying stuff. She should be fired.

Complain about it to the headteacher and chair of governors - in writing. It is a safeguarding concern now and not only bullying but unwarranted and unwanted physical touch and verbal bullying which is continuous and ongoing. Use those words.
Ask for a formal written reply.

if you don’t get an apology take it to the LADO

fairycakes1234 · 07/11/2024 20:10

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 07/11/2024 06:55

Again, you would rather your child was bullied on a daily basis than report the bully?
PPs asking why the OP hasn't been to the head are not undermining parenting, they are pointing out that after a year of her child being bullied by an adult, she needs to step up as a parent and HELP HER CHILD, rather than not dealing the problem because she is scared getting an ex friend sacked.
This is the real world. You deal with anyone who harms your child

Show quote history

But why point the obvious, she has said she hasn't been to the head, so why do you all keep saying omg you left it a year, how in gods name is that helpful, she's looking for advice not a lecture. And yes we all have kids and everyone makes mistakes, noone is perfect. Anyway she got good advice amid the horrified posts asking her the same thing over and over so hopefully she'll take heed to that and not get anymore stressed on why she didn't go earlier.....

cockadoodledandy · 08/11/2024 17:09

It’s quite simple.

you talk to the school.