Friend overstepping boundary with DC in school

[thesurreymum]

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

As opposed to your child's mental well-being and that of the second child she's started bullying?

This!!!!!!⬆️

This. Sorry, but please advocate for your child - it's your job and they're not able to do so themselves.

Put yourself in your five year old's shoes. How would you like to have been sent every single day to spend time with someone who thinks it's funny to upset you and make you uncomfortable with absolutely no way to get away from them?

While your parent did nothing because they were too busy worrying about making life difficult for your bully to properly stand up for you and make it stop? How abandoned would you feel?

They've been crying when they thought they'd have to spend time with this person outside of school? That should be ringing massive alarm bells!

Come on, please pull your socks up and find some gumption (and frankly, some anger!) on behalf of your child.

@thesurreymum

I've taught my OWN child & many of my friends' kids over the years & they've all called me Mrs.........& I've treated them all as if I didn't know them personally!

Again, you would rather your child was bullied on a daily basis than report the bully?
PPs asking why the OP hasn't been to the head are not undermining parenting, they are pointing out that after a year of her child being bullied by an adult, she needs to step up as a parent and HELP HER CHILD, rather than not dealing the problem because she is scared getting an ex friend sacked.
This is the real world. You deal with anyone who harms your child

This adult is literally bullying a 5 year old child 🤦🏻‍♀️ straight to the school to make an official complaint.

OP your not getting her sacked your "friends" behaviour would be the reason she got sacked. It's totally unacceptable behaviour. I work in schools and was appalled reading your post. Your friend is bullying your child and making them unhappy in school which happens to be her work place. She should be supporting the kids and encouraging them not making them feel uncomfortable and unsafe.

Fgs, why look for an excuse for this behaviour by giving this person a label. The woman is a fucking bully
Also, many ND people will not be bullies, you cannot label everyone based on 1 of your friend's behaviour

In the first instance, speak to the class teacher if this is happening in class, or the Senco who will likely be the TAs libe manager. They should be able to tactfully tackle it.

If this doesn't help quickly, speak to the head.

Your 'friend' is bullying your child. It's completely unprofessional behaviour and not acceptable. She is in a position of authority in the classroom, and she is taking advantage of that. It's not ok.

I've known TAs to be moved and/or sacked for similar behavior. It's not ok and a good school will not allow it to continue.

Go into school and speak to your sons teacher, then head and if it isn’t resolved governors
it is adult on child bullying and not acceptable
he has told her to stop, she has continued with more name calling

As you’ve not spoken to the school before, contacting the head would be using the template above would be your first step. It is highly unlikely that she would be sacked unless there are other things going on that you are unaware so please don’t worry about that. The head may pass it to her line manager to deal with which is fine.

If it then continues, you make a formal complaint under the complaints policy and then escalate as per the policy. Most schools have their staff code of conduct on the website and you would be able to quote the relevant parts of it and how Mrs TA is breaking it.

Please ignore the go to governors brigade on here, there is nothing we can do until it comes to us under the complaints policy and unless they have an unusual policy, the order is usually chair of governors first then governor panels and we have to have no prior knowledge to sit on a panel.

But you have to advocate for your child. If his Mum doesn't, who will?

I expect she will be spoken to about boundaries, that's all. But that needs to happen.

And I think the teacher is culpable too, for encouraging it.

If this was another child full on bullying your child no doubt you’d have been and spoken to school? Taken further action? Not left it over a year?
what do you do? Well very clearly go speak to the bloody school about it! What other answer do you need?

Get her sacked from her job

• She can't respect personal/professional boundaries
• She can't respect people's personal preferences about their personal space

Those are both important things to be respected when she's in that job. Her inability to respect them means it's probably best for the children if she is sacked.

Honestly her behaviour makes my skin crawl, your poor son having his childhood affected to such an extent and for so long by this dreadful woman.

Please complain. A teacher did this to my son who has ASD. The other kids joined in and it made DS thoroughly miserable. In this case the teacher realized that he should not have done it, but the damage was done.

IF she gets sacked (and she may not, she may just get told to quit being an idiot) then that’s her behaviour that’s led to it.

Stand up for your child ffs

Speak to her one more time. Tell her that if she doesn't stop immediately you are going to make an official complaint to the headteacher and then she risks having to go through a disciplinary process at work.

If she does it again after that, follow through on your threat.

You definitely need to complain to the school. I don’t think the adult will be sacked over it, just pulled up on professional boundaries.

I doubt she would be sacked, just be told her behaviour is unprofessional. Unless this is the school culture, in which case it's a bad school and a complaint should be made to the governors/ local authority.

Also your loyalty should always be to your child (who can't sort this out himself), over a friend who is not your responsibility and may only be in your life for a few years.

You are teaching your child that their boundaries and consent to an action don't matter. You're teaching them you won't protect them from an adult who is bullying them. She's hurting your child and you're too concerned about her job to do the right thing and tell the school. Her job matters more then your child's boundaries, more then your child's feelings, an adult is harming your child and you're standing by and letting it go on for a year. This is even worse then if a child was bullying your DC, she's an adult and she is responsible for her behaviour and anything that results from her behaving in a nasty bullying way.

Edit to add: I agree with PP one final clear warning that if she ever calls your DC that name or hugs them without their consent that you will report her to the school and then do it. She doesn't actually deserve that, but it will make it clear to you that she is the problem and that she has chosen to behave this way and so has chosen any work consequences that occur.

I can understand why you feel getting her sacked is extreme, but if we look at the facts:

• Doesn't respect children's physical boundaries
• Does things which cause children emotional distress and laughs about it when confronted
• Singles out a single child to torment
• Doesn't respect parents' boundaries

Is that the kind of person who should be working as a TA? It's a people job, and she appears to have no empathy or people skills. Your son should feel safe at school.

If it was just lack of professionalism (i.e. hugging and giving nicknames that DIDN'T cause the child distress) then I'd also be reluctant to report her, but it's more than that

Absofuckinglutely you need to report this to the school, its massively inappropriate behaviour from her.

She is bullying your child and this is parenting OP.

She would be unlikely to get the sack but it will get a muzzle on her to the benefit of everyone by the sounds of it.

Stand up for your child.

My sister had a slightly derogatory nickname for me as a kid and she kept using it over and over, even when everyone told her to stop. It was frank bullying. I am 60 now and I do not have a relationship with my sister for this and a hundred other reasons surrounding her bullying, toxic and piss poor behaviour.

If you do nothing, these people just continue or worse, escalate and it is far more destructive than it often appears.

Speak to the school!! The hugging thing is a big no no for me!! No means no, doesn’t matter what age they are it’s consent! He is 5 and does not consent her to hug him. Absolutely disgusting behaviour for someone in a school who is meant to be a professional!