Friend overstepping boundary with DC in school

[thesurreymum]

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

I'd of expected it to stop after speaking to her, but if her response is to laugh, downplay it and carry on, I'd say enough is enough and if she doesn't desist, it will be taken above. Then follow through. I think after letting it slide for a whole year, you could miss out the second warning and go straight to the head.
Hopefully, she will take it more seriously from above. Would be wise to check in with the other mother and see if she has stopped altogether, if not, then tell her to put in a complaint also.

Your friend may not get sacked, she may get some disciplinary process or be sent on a training course. She needs somebody other than you to make her realise that teasing the children in her care is not OK.

But she shouldn’t be doing this.
To any child.
And if she’s not stopped she’ll continue to do it to your son and other children.
It’s inappropriate, totally unprofessional and quite cruel.
Your duty is to report factually what she has done and the effects on your child. What happens after that is not your decision. And not on you.

Then give her one final warning: tell her that if she doesn't pay attention to you and stop immediately, you will be complaining formally.

But honestly, do you really feel she should be in this job? If she can victimise your child in this way, she can and almost certainly will victimise others.

I can’t believe you let this go on for a year and said nothing to the school. Wow. You need to learn to speak up pretty sharpish. Your child deserves better than an ineffectual parent, because sadly that’s what you’ve been in respect to this issue. Time to step up.

This is so unacceptable and you need to complain about both the TA and the teacher . The teacher should be setting an example.

We are all assuming that the OPs complaint will be the first. If she is also doing this to other children whose parents don't have to consider a historical friendship it's quite likely other parents might have already complained. In which case you also complaining will back them up.

Wow - she’s completely unfit to be working with children yet you don’t want to ‘get her sacked?’. Protect your child from this horrible bully of a woman by reporting her inappropriate behaviour to the school.

YANBU
Parents complain far too much about silly things but this is definitely worth complaining about. She is being unprofessional trying to hug him and giving him a nick name he doesn't like.

You say you don’t want to get her sacked - why on earth not? She sounds awful.

You would not be getting her sacked. If the head teacher decides her behaviour warrants sacking (and I think it does, or at least a written warning) then she has done it to herself. Encourage the parents of the other child she is bullying to complain also.

I also agree that the class teacher has behaved inappropriately in giving a nickname to a child.

They s adult is being exceptionally unprofessional and bullying a child! She works with children, she shouldn't.

Apologise to your child and get the nasty person away from your child.

Who bloody cares about her job, she obviously shouldn't have it.

You go to the Head.

This is verging on bullying a pupil.

I had a similar situation years ago.
Head teachers can often be busy but have deputy heads that oversee staffing. The school website may help you find the best person to talk to.
I'd ask for a call and explain the situation. Ask for a resolution that doesn't name your DC, but that makes it clear that the inappropriate behaviour must be stopped. Request a follow up to you via email.

She should have thought of that. shouldn't she?

She is behaving very badly and deserves all she gets

Send her an email and cc it to her superior.

I've explained to you that my dc doesn't like that you call them x and you've persisted and laughed it off. It's gotten to the point that dc becomes anxious around you and seeks to avoid you. You've taunted my dc by saying you're coming along when I've told you they're uncomfortable with you. Recently you forced a hug on my dc at x event causing distress. It has been brought to my attention you have started unwanted nickname calling with another child. This amounts to bullying.

I am now in a position to formally demand you cease harassing my child.

Please confirm you understand and will stop.

Something strong like that?

Also, if she has a relationship with you and your family socially, she shouldn't be in a position of contributing to reports etc for you child which she will as the TA. It's a conflict of interest. She shouldn't be doing any assessments of your child, even reading. She should have declared this to the school once she realised your child was in her class.
We had a situation where our DCs substitute teacher was the wife of our ex-boss. I wrote to the principal to declare a relationship (I didn't specify anything else) and that I didn't feel it was fair on the teacher to be put in a position of assessment for our child. I let them handle it however they wished (sh got moved to a different class for the assessment period).
Yours is even more of a conflict as it sounds like you regularly see her outside of school

Speak to the head. It is not uncommon in these situations to find that you are not the only one with concerns.
Look at it like this .... if you were the head you would wish to know.

She may think it's cute but it is bullying. Tell the HT in confidence and perhaps let the other mum know so she can back it up with their own child's current experience

So what has the class teacher and head had to say about your friends behaviour? Surely it should stop once escalated.

I get that you don’t want to get her sacked, however I would tell her if she doesn’t stop now you will report her to the authorities and you will be looking for her dismissal! If she does it one more time then she has no respect for you or your child and shouldn’t be working in a school. I work in a school and none of my colleagues or myself would let her carry on with her antics.

You can speak to her in person and ask her to stop.

Your child is only 5 and should not have to tell a grown adult to stop picking on her.

If she continues to taunt and tease your child relentlessly then complain in writing, but take action right away and don't let this continue for too long

She's an unpleasant bully and shouldn't be in a classroom. Go with the other mother to the headteacher and explain what's going on.

Have you brought this up with the head teacher?
Your child, in effect , is being abused by this person. Your child, your boy, is upset by this bitch, now she is doing it to another child
I would be at the school banging on the headteacher's door. I would also be reporting her to the police for physical assault. You've given her enough warning to stop, now she's doing it to someone else's child