Friend overstepping boundary with DC in school

[thesurreymum]

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

I'm not labelling this person at all? Just saying it sounds similar to a friend of mine? What are you on about? I've said to report her.

It's not about getting her sacked! She is behaving inappropriately in doing her job. The Headteacher needs to know and address this with her before she over steps even more. As a retired Headteacher I would want to know asap. if this was occurring in my school ...and clearly not just a one off.

In the end it is for the school to decide. Your priority is your child

This, OP.
NOW

Why on earth haven't you raised this with the head already? Your poor child. She won't be sacked - she'll be warned and told to stop.

No - the conduct outside of school counts too.

For example, if a teacher approaches a student inappropriately at a social event, they could still be disciplined or lose their job etc for it. It doesn't matter if it happened off school premises, or if they were 'friends' before

If you don’t want to raise a formal complaint then you firstly need to speak to her, again, and don’t let her laugh it off. Tell her she needs to stop, you and your child have asked her repeatedly to stop and she has ignored you and that it is coming across as bullying behaviour. Then you can tell her that if she persists you will be making a formal complaint. She then has a choice, acknowledge the behaviour and change it, or end up in a disciplinary 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had a nickname for my cousin, I thought it was cute. He told me one day he did not like it. I never called him it again. That is the only response from a reasonable person.

How have you gotten to this point and not complained to the school??? You really need to step up and stand up for your child, this is disgusting behaviour.

Tell the school. Humiliation is a low level concern and targeting your child would possibly raise it to a harm test passing concern and thus may need reporting to the LADO for staff concerns. Report it to the headteacher, who deals with such things.

As others have said, why on earth have you not reported this to the school / safeguarding lead?
It does not necessarily mean she will get the sack - that's their call to deal with.
How is this person still your "friend."

I’m a retired Primary School Teacher and am appalled by the behaviour of this woman. Book an appointment with the head teacher, tell her everything just as you have explained here. Stay unemotional (very important). Tell the head that you want this stopped immediately. When I was teaching there were many things brought to my attention and mothers would apologise for bringing seemingly (from an adult perspective) trivial matters to me. If the child was upset, if it was important to the child, it was important to me. I feel very upset on behalf of you and your child. Either this woman is malicious or she has the skin of a rhinoceros and shouldn’t be working with children.

I would be speaking to the head teacher and stop all contact out of school too. I had somea similar situation when my son was little. I told them to get it sorted or it goes further and I will remove my son from school. They can't go around giving unwanted close contact that is teaching your child their personal space can be invaded by someone that should be a trusted adult. It teaches them that no doesn't mean no, if they're bigger and older then they can do and take what they want. It's dangerous for a young person learning their own boundaries to have their confidence taken by an adult and she is literally bullying your child. If it was another teacher or child calling them names and trust me if she's calling them a name they don't like then other teachers and children will be picking it up and calling them it, making your child feel even worse. Go to the head, tell them you need a meeting, you want this to stop immediately and your son not to be left anywhere near this teacher unless another teacher is nearby including corridors, if this means a ta has to escort him in corridors then it has to happen. If it isn't dealt with within a week you will contact parent governors and learning authority and even could go to the police who would take this seriously. Touching even odd cuddles if not wanted and told to stop is abusing her position of authority. Little kids often love a cuddle but if he doesn't then she shouldn't abuse her position. Even the nickname as soon as he said he doesn't want to be called that then even that is abuse of trust. There is a reason they have forms asking for child's preferred name eg if my son was called Charlie-Rodney and didn't like abbreviations and wanted to be called the full name they have to call him that or preferred Chaz then that's what he would be called in school. No using nicknames they hate it can be damaging to a small child's mental health.

I was so concerned when I read your post that I spoke to my DH who is chair of the board of governors at our local primary school and therefore has extensive knowledge on this issue I hope the information helps you sort this out.
He says "This behaviour is bullying. It should not be tolerated. Your school will have a teacher who is the designated anti bullying officer. Ask the school secretary who that is and make your complaint to them. Make it clear you are aware of the procedures and will escalate if necessary. If there is still no resolution, ask for the details of the governor with anti bullying responsibility and the chair of governors. Make your complaint to them. The governors have a responsibility to deal with this issue. The governors are obliged to refer your concerns to the education department of your county council. The teacher or assistant will then be suspended pending investigation. In the event the governors refuse to act (unlikely) you can take the issue directly to the education department of your county council and there is no doubt that they WILL sort the matter for you. The big problem with the parent / teacher relationship is that parents invariably think of the headteacher as the ultimate authority and seldom think of going to the governors. This is wrong, the governors have real authority and at least one of them will have specific training on bullying issues. Make use of them, it's why they became governors. I hope this helps."

She should not be working with children. She is taking pleasure causing children distress. She is a bully. Protect your child.

I was so concerned when I read your post that I spoke to my DH who is chair of the board of governors at our local primary school and therefore has extensive knowledge on this issue I hope the information helps you sort this out.
He says "This behaviour is bullying. It should not be tolerated. Your school will have a teacher who is the designated anti bullying officer. Ask the school secretary who that is and make your complaint to them. Make it clear you are aware of the procedures and will escalate if necessary. If there is still no resolution, ask for the details of the governor with anti bullying responsibility and the chair of governors. Make your complaint to them. The governors have a responsibility to deal with this issue. The governors are obliged to refer your concerns to the education department of your county council. The teacher or assistant will then be suspended pending investigation. In the event the governors refuse to act (unlikely) you can take the issue directly to the education department of your county council and there is no doubt that they WILL sort the matter for you. The big problem with the parent / teacher relationship is that parents invariably think of the headteacher as the ultimate authority and seldom think of going to the governors. This is wrong, the governors have real authority and at least one of them will have specific training on bullying issues. Make use of them, it's why they became governors. I hope this helps."

Not professional behaviour at all. Suspect teacher/s know nothing of this continuing.You need to mention it to teacher non confrontationally to begin with as does other mum asap.

Don't do this. Staff management is an operational issue and falls outside of the remit of governors. They are supposed to remain strategic. People are always saying go to the governors, it's not the best advice. (Governors should know this).
You don't have to faff about working out who the anti-bullying member of staff is. In the first instance you simply contact the Headteacher and let them deal with it.
If you are not happy with the outcome download the school complaints policy and follow it. The head will first deal with a complaint formally. If the complainant is not happy then policies vary - IMHO the best ones then set out how to escalate to a panel of governors as stage 2. Some insert the Chair of Governors as a stage before that.
Any governor, whether they are COG or have a special responsibility, should not engage with a parent about an operational manner. They should advise them first to contact the head. If a governor, any governor, discusses a complaint with a parent they are considered 'tainted' moving forward (by prior knowledge) and cannot serve on the board complaints panel. Incidentally this is why I prefer not to have a stage where a complainant speaks to the COG. The Chair is often a very useful person to have on the panel, and it would mean that they could not serve in that capacity.
Credentials - currently independent governance professional (7 years). Chair of Governors and National Leader of Governance. Ex LA governance manager. Trainer of clerks to governors and governors.

(A lot of governing boards are not good at dealing with complaints and have a tendency to over-step their remit).

p.s. I think Nain's husband is thinking of a LADO referral. The parent can report direct to LADO, the head can report, even the staff member themselves can report if they feel that they might be in trouble. You could Google to understand whether you want to go down that route, but if you think it's appropriate you could raise that with the headteacher when you speak to them. Schools are more likely to refer to LADO to 'be on the safe side' than avoid it.

My DH assumed you had already tried the headteacher to no avail. If not then of course the headteacher would be the first resort, but he would disagree that governors should not be involved if the headteacher should choose to close ranks. The governors are available and at least one will have specific anti-bullying training. His advice stands. The TA involved would not lose her job (assuming it is a first offence) although she may be suspended if the complaint becomes formal. However the likeliest outcome is that a quiet word from the head will do the trick.

Her getting sacked should not be more
important than your child’s feelings! I’d have been in the heads office after she didn’t stop the first time. You’ve let that poor child put up with this for a YEAR.

She is in a position of power and is abusing it, that is what will get her sacked if that is the outcome. By not addressing it last year another child is now also going through the same thing. How many are allowed before she is sacked

You should have complained to school long ago, it's very inappropriate what's she's doing would you let a teacher treat your child like that? She is a bully end of, and now she's treating another child the same by giving them a nickname. Sounds like she's got issues clearly not had safeguarding training , or if has doesn't think it applies to her. I would also make up a nickname for her and use it everytime you happen to speak to her. Just feel for your poor child, he shouldn't be dealing with this at his age, especially by a member of staff at school, if not sorted now, could have repercussions with his learning and attitude to school.
All the best for your complaint, that woman does deserve to be sacked

If the head 'closes ranks' the governors deal with that at the next stages of the complaints policy. I think rank closing is very unlikely in this case.
All governors should know that they must not engage with parents about complaints until it is required of them under the school complaints procedure. It's one of the most basic things that they should be taught.

Before going to the Head speak with your friend again & tell her she must stop calling your child by the nickname, not 'joke' with him & never to hug him as it all makes him feel uncomfortable. Tell her if she doesn't your next step will be a meeting with the Head to let them know what's been going on, for over a year, & that you've asked her to stop & she hasn't. Tell her if another child were doing it to your Son it would be classed as bullying & dealt with so she should think twice about not following your request & stop it all now.