Friend overstepping boundary with DC in school

[thesurreymum]

I made friends with a school mum a few years ago when our DC were in nursery together. She subsequently got a job in the school and ended up working in the same class as DC.

Along with the class teacher, my friend made a harmless nickname for my DC based on a personality trait they have. At first laughed it off but after it then apparently replaced there actual name in class my DC expressed that they didn't like the nickname and told them to stop calling them the nickname.

This lasted all school year and my child got really angry and upset by it. I told my friend this and to stop calling the nickname. She laughed it off and keeps calling DC it. She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I've told her seriously to stop but she doesn't. Now DC is not in her class I thought it would stop but she does it in the corridors etc. She also tries to hug him knowing full well he doesn't like it and is physically wriggling away and shouting stop. She just laughs.

I've completely distanced myself from her so we don't see her out of school at all but clearly she is still doing it in school. I spoke to another school mum about this whose DC has just joined her class and she is apparently doing the same. Gave the child a nickname and continues to call them it despite the child not liking it.

Where do I go from here?

Your first point of contact for any issue is always the teacher first, then head of year if it doesn't resolve, then headteacher. They won't be fired first off, and they won't be fired because of a year's worth of complaints given in one go. They have a disciplinary process to go through but will certainly take it seriously.

The woman sounds neurodivergent. I have a friend like this, who says or does things that I don't like and gets down in my face and laughs about it. She doesn't understand at all that it isn't nice, and often cries with worry that she might have upset someone. She can't seem to learn what not to do!

This merits a formal complaint to the Headteacher. Even the hugging outside of school is unprofessional behaviour by a Teacher with a pupil.

I wouldn't care less if she was sacked.
She was asked to stop.
After the first time that she continued to do it you should have complained.
Your poor son.
You put her ahead of his feelings.
She sounds like a thick as shit bully that likes teasing and upsetting kids directly and you have allowed it to continue all year.
Your poor son.
I hope the other parent stands up for their child and she does get fired.

She won’t be sacked unless she disregards the warning that will be an inevitable part of disciplinary action.

In what way is one more request to stop after a year of doing so more "living in the real world" than making the complaint straight away?

Your plan sounds more like a plan for someone right at the beginning of the journey rather than a year down the line. As though you just can't accept the fact the OP has done what she's said she has.

I’m actually really annoyed at you now as well as her. Your poor child. Your number one job is to protect him - his physical and emotional and mental well-being. You should go directly to the Headteacher and if that doesn’t make it stop, you go to the governors, Ofsted and the Local Authority. I say this as a former school governor and wife of a headteacher.

She wouldn't get sacked for a first offence, (unless the nickname is insulting) and since it's the first tome you'd be complaining it would technically be seen as such. She will just be asked to stop/stop interacting with your child.

If she continues, then yeah , she might end up sacked, but that will be a choice she made.

Forgot to add, don't mention any incidents out of school, as that was your job as a parent and her friend to deal with.

She's not going to get sacked from one complaint.

If you still feel that's too extreme tell her that unless she stops you will have no option but yo complain to the headteacher about it.

This! She's a fucking bully! I'd go absolutely ballistic with her behaviour!

my DS had glasses when he was 5 and the TA called him Harry Potter in a snide and unpleasant way in front of all the other children. This lead to the whole class name calling my DS constantly. She did it every morning and throughout the day. Including a fake posh Harry Potter accent and making circles with her hands over her eyes.

She literally taught the children how to tease and bully.

We complained to the Head (awkward as the TA was a friend of our neighbour) and DS chose new glasses but the teasing from the children never stopped.

He's at a nice new school now where TAs don’t bully children.

OP it speaks well of you that you are wary of getting her fired. While you are justifiably angry about her repeated unkind teasing of your child, it would be disproportionate to want to ruin her life and potentially put her at risk of homelessness and severe mental health issues because of it. (Which being sacked in these circumstances could very well cause, as it would be almost impossible for her to get another job in education).

However, I have worked in management in schools and am as confident as I can be that this would not be a sacking offence - certainly not in the first instance.

She will, I would imagine, simply be spoken to about it to start with.

If she chose the continue the behaviours after that, yes it could lead to the sack - but that would be very much her choice.

If you want to be generous, speak to her again about it and make it clear that you will be speaking to the head if any of it happens again.

The other thing to be aware of - your child tells you they respond in a certain way when she does this stuff - but 5 year olds can struggle to give accurate accounts of their conduct in stressful situations. Your child might actually be freezing a little and not really reacting/showing much response. So it's plausible the woman doesn't realise how much she is upsetting them. (Though obviously, assuming she is a normally intelligent, neurotypical adult, she ought to have more empathy and ability to work out what is and isn't appropriate.)

I'm conflict averse, and always reluctant to risk getting people into trouble at work unless it's essential I do so, so my actions would be:

1. One more even firmer conversation with the woman, warning her that your next step will need to be reporting to the head if the reading continues.

1. Then, if your child reports further incidents with the woman, as long as you are confident your child is able to report this accurately (we all know 5 year olds can sometimes tell us what they think we want to hear, or can get confused about when things happen etc) then I would go to the head, with an accurate account od what you believe to be happening, and ask the head to investigate.

She then teases DC about other things now knowing that DC doesn't like her. Such as if she knows we are going somewhere, holiday, day out etc she will tell DC that she is coming along too. DC is only 5 so doesn't get that she is 'joking' and has been upset that this person is coming on their day out.

I have never understood why some adults tease children like this and find it funny. I’d be putting a complaint in about the nickname and the teasing OP.

As both a parent and a primary teacher, this is all wrong.
You must complain -NOW- in writing. There are some good templates on here.
Her behaviour is downright odd, and in no way acceptable. It will be breaking the school's safeguarding policies as well.
Also the class teacher should not have allowed the nickname situation to continue.
Good luck- support your child.

Incidents out of school by a person in a position of trust in the school who knows the child through the school are most certainly the business of the school and any professional body. That applies to any caring profession or job.

It is entirely inappropriate, unprofessional behaviour. I would go and see the Head. Explain the situation and that you don't want to cause trouble, you just want it to stop and for her to leave your child alone. She has not put professional boundaries in place and it's just inappropriate. It won't just be happening with your son. She needs some advice from the Head- who will handle it sensetively.

You have to speak to the school. She's very thick and either doesn't get it or doesn't care. The only way to stop it is going thru the school.

@TriesNotToBeCynical to be fair it depends on the context.

They were friends before the TA worked with the child in a professional capacity. They met as friends , not in a professional capacity, at a social event. The school won't police that in a "she hugged my kid and he didn't like it" scenario.

Don't get me wrong, she's a dick, both as a friend and as a TA, but adding stuff like this can muddy the waters .

OP needs to keep it simple,factual , unemotional and about the incidents at school,which are completely unacceptable , if she actually decides to do something about it.

I would do this. Your former friend has been asked repeatedly to stop and is being a bully . Any repercussions are entirely on her

This is not ok. She shouldn’t be touching your kid outside of school either. I made friends with a mum of kids I’d taught and her kids still called me Miss ABC long after they left primary 😜 they are now at uni and I taught them in y1. When I was round house I made sure not to swear or get too drunk.
nickname needs to stop now. Speak to her and say child wants to stop. If she laughs etc then ask her for a copy of the formal complaints policy.

I'd just start calling her "cnut". You know, as a little nickname, haha. If she doesn't like it, she'll need to toughen up.

Write the letter or email of complaint and send it to the head. She's ignored you, don't let your child suffer any longer
Ignore the suggestion that you complain first to the teacher, then head of department... Complaints about staff go to the head.

I'm a teacher and find it really upsetting that someone who works in this profession would ever think this was acceptable practice. If you have already spoken to the class teacher and they have not acted, go to the head teacher. I hope it gets sorted out very soon x

FWIW I disagree. Hugging the child when she knows it is unwelcome is unpleasant behaviour, but being an unpleasant person is not a crime. However, being an unpleasant person in a position of trust over the child due to her job is bullying and professional misconduct, wherever it occurs. Just think for a moment how people would react were she a man.

If she hugged my child out of school after repeatedly being told “no”, I’d have to use physical violence.