To think this the most pointless, indulgent gap year possible

[Killiam]

Met with some old friends of DHs yesterday, we aren’t close anymore but we have daughters of the same age (17).
We asked what their daughter was planing for after A-levels and they told us she’s going on a gap year, thinking it would be a classic backpacking trip we asked where she would be going and this is what they described

• First Greek island hopping (for fun and independence)
• Then a wellness retreat in either Thailand or Indonesia (self reflection and stress management)
• Then December in New York (Engage with the culture such as visiting museums, enjoy city life (she already lives in London but okay?) and emerge herself in the Christmas spirit)
• January to March at the families ski chalet (take on courses to help with leadership skills, read classical literature and ski)
• Rest of the year in France/Italy/Spain (culture again, cooking classes and wine tasting)

They justified it by saying she has no interest in backpacking and they don’t believe that’s enriching anyway and they feel this is a balanced way to transition her from childhood to adulthood (plans a degree apprenticeship for the following year).
They think these experiences will give her the final touches she needs to be successful after putting a lot of effort into ensuring she is well rounded (sports, music, language, well read and well travelled etc.)

AIBU to think this is more indulgent, pointless, year long luxury holiday of a gap year. I don’t mind gap years in general but this will be entirely funded by her parents and I can’t see what exactly is going to make it so enriching. Of course she need not actually worry as they also mentioned buying her a flat worth over a million and how she will have a job in either of their businesses should she actually want it!

This is hardly ultra rich 🤣. Sure it’s not a budget holiday list but it sounds absolutely amazing and I think she’ll have a great time. You sound like this is really burning a hole in your pants here OP. Why should this girl do a little poverty porn tour? Nothing will change the fact she’s fortunate and privileged.

Sounds like she has very wealthy parents, perhaps a little controlling, seems micromanaged. I'm guessing she must have dual citizenship of some kind as she's overstaying visa waivers!

If this is genuinely the wish of the young person fine, but I can't help but think this is a finishing school package put together by someone

It's certainly another world, and in all honesty I'd probably roll my eyes a bit if I knew the parents.

But given that this girl is going to continue to inhabit a very different world of wealthy people was an adult, this trip probably prepares her for it better that backpacking would.

And there it is….
this is obviously all out of jealousy because you can’t provide the same for your own. You said your DH friend hasn’t always been rich so he’s obviously worked hard to make something of himself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your DD going straight to uni not a lot of people have funds for a gap year however it is wrong to slate someone for their choices just because you are jealous of that

@Killiam

Most dc work for a few months then go travelling for gap years, I don't know any parents who have funded them.

What an experience! Lucky girl to have that opportunity before she enters the mundane world of work!

It sounds like a modern version of finishing school.

They sound nauseating with the planning for her of reading classic literature and wine tasting. It's all very controlled.

But if they want her to be in elite circles it'll probably help.

Something feels off about it though, as if she's a product in development for a certain task, not a young person ready to explore life.

Opportunity is great and some people have more it, but this sounds weirdly... robotic/ stepford wifey?

Nobody HAS to do volunteering if they don't want to.

You are far too invested in this girl's life. It's nothing to do with you!

What a lovely opportunity. She has the rest of her life for work and study

Wow you sound very jealous and bitter op.
You're no friend of theirs.

Sorry OP but my DD had read War and Peace and Anna Karenina at that age and very much more. Sadly her MH at the time meant such a wonderful trip wasn't on the cards. She spent her gap year continuing to recover and learning a niche language that has stood her in very good stead in her chosen career.

I'm fascinated by people who insist on being friends with people they clearly dislike.

My advice is to forget about this, and focus on the friends you do actually like.

How much voluntary work have you done?

Quite relieved to see this reply. There's obviously nothing wrong with this series of what are essentially luxury holidays, if they can afford it, which they clearly can; but simply travelling abroad isn't enriching in itself, and wellness retreats and wine tasting aren't really learning 'skills'. So of course let her do it and have a fab time, but it isn't particularly the best use of one's time at 18.

My 19yo spent his gap year gaining a basic qualification for emergency services work (not in UK) and volunteering with our St John's Ambulance equivalent. This was mainly to check that the field he wanted to go into was really for him. If he'd decided it wasn't, he would still have had something very solid to show employers, valuable skills, and evidence of a social conscience. But no fancy travel abroad.

So her parents are self made and she already speaks several languages and seems very interested in art and culture? They sound like a go getting family OP. Good for them. You need to work on the jealousy, it's very unattractive.

Sounds a bit wanky but amazing. Anything like that will build independence.

This is very identifying though. I think if your friends are on mumsnet they will probably stop inviting you and your jealousy to dinner.

They are DHs friends. He still likes them and actually doesn’t mind the gap year (he thinks it makes more sense her learning to socialise with the people she will actually socialise with than ‘wasting time’ on a world she won’t be part of.

Yes.

Weird micromanaging by parents who view their daughter as an extension of their own success and a product to be finished. They are preparing her for the life they expect her to have.

Not a good approach to have for your children imo.
Being rich doesn't make you wise or bring happiness.

This sounds like an indulgent privileged year off but I think it has more sad oppressive vibes.

What makes a nice holiday when your 50 isn't the same as youthful freedom and exploration when you're 18.
That's why backpacking is different.

It sounds a brilliant way to spend a gap year. A good variety of experiences. Why do you think backpacking is better?

I think most of us would love to be able to treat out child to a year like that, I know I would!

She's not your child OP and therefore none of your fucking business. It's really vulgar and a massive invasion of this young woman's privacy to openly slag off her gapyear plans and mock her life choices on a public forum. It doesn't sound like anyone is going to come to harm so you're doing this entirely out of jealousy and malice. Do you have the guts to tell this friend and her daughter how you feel or is it easier to anonymously humiliate them to thousands of strangers online? If you can't handle this friend's affluency maturely then that's a you problem and you need to just walk away.

She is going to university. Perhaps she’s going to read English? Reading classic literature is pretty standard for the humanities-minded.

What a lucky girl! What a dream year!
I think the experiences on offer sound very enriching; cookery, languages, soaking up different cultures. This young lady sounds cultured and interesting; she’d be an asset in the workplace.
I’m genuinely struggling to see why this upsets you so much. Life isn’t fair on an economic level. It’s up to individuals to create a worthwhile life based on their individual circumstances. This gap year is no better than one spent on a shoestring,it’s just different.
Be glad for her!

So because it doesn't fit your ideal of what a gap year should be it is therefore pointless?
I think you might be jealous.

Will they adopt me? Sounds amazing. I think you’re just jealous.