To think this the most pointless, indulgent gap year possible

[Killiam]

Met with some old friends of DHs yesterday, we aren’t close anymore but we have daughters of the same age (17).
We asked what their daughter was planing for after A-levels and they told us she’s going on a gap year, thinking it would be a classic backpacking trip we asked where she would be going and this is what they described

• First Greek island hopping (for fun and independence)
• Then a wellness retreat in either Thailand or Indonesia (self reflection and stress management)
• Then December in New York (Engage with the culture such as visiting museums, enjoy city life (she already lives in London but okay?) and emerge herself in the Christmas spirit)
• January to March at the families ski chalet (take on courses to help with leadership skills, read classical literature and ski)
• Rest of the year in France/Italy/Spain (culture again, cooking classes and wine tasting)

They justified it by saying she has no interest in backpacking and they don’t believe that’s enriching anyway and they feel this is a balanced way to transition her from childhood to adulthood (plans a degree apprenticeship for the following year).
They think these experiences will give her the final touches she needs to be successful after putting a lot of effort into ensuring she is well rounded (sports, music, language, well read and well travelled etc.)

AIBU to think this is more indulgent, pointless, year long luxury holiday of a gap year. I don’t mind gap years in general but this will be entirely funded by her parents and I can’t see what exactly is going to make it so enriching. Of course she need not actually worry as they also mentioned buying her a flat worth over a million and how she will have a job in either of their businesses should she actually want it!

You sound very jealous and judgemental OP. At 18 I was reading classic literature, spent most of my spare time watching plays at The National, was getting into opera and loved the ballet. I would have loved a trip like this but I was from a council estate and my parents couldn't afford it.

People like you actually further entrench the class divide as you seem to think that certain cultural forms are only for the wealthy, and certain desires are only for the wealthy, neither of which are true. Wine is not a class-based activity in a lot of cultures, and art, music and literature should be open to all.

My husband grew up with them. They weren’t always rich.

Well all the ones who take A-level English Lit will, for a start.

Her DH knows them.
edited to say I work with UHNW families and many “girls” also have excellent degrees, go to good universities, are multi lingual and often enter family business too. Even in families from more conservative backgrounds.

While I agree with this. I'd add its not just people of the ultra rich. It's so normal in companies for the child of the owner or close friends to be given a job in the family run company.

I think this sounds great.

Also it's "immerse oneself" not emerge oneself.

It sounds bloody lovely! She will have an extended time away from home and, by staying for relatively long periods, might pick up some language skills. Ideally she would have been able to do some work in one of those countries, but we all know what happened in 2016…

I am not too convinced by the value of traditional gap-year ‘travelling’ per se.

People always say that they ‘want to understand different cultures’, but you can do that within the UK. Middle-class young people from London trek to South Asia in droves but might never have been to Southall. Is there an intrinsic value in going to Bali over going to Belfast? Both those experiences would probably teach you more about the people with whom you are more likely to end up living and working.

The whole travelling ‘on a shoestring’ in developing countries and imagining that you are actually living like someone from the global south also seems like a bizarre form of play-acting.

Go somewhere and enjoy it! Fine! But call it an extended holiday and don’t pretend that it has any particular purpose or virtue.

Your first mistake was asking them what their daughter's gap year plan was. If you can't stand the answer, don't ask the question.

Second mistake? Expecting empathy from this group 😂on Mumsnet.

Will she let me tag along? And will her parents pay for me? I wish I had the funds to do this at her age as well as her options.

The jealousy is dripping out of you OP.

With that degree of privilege, couldn't she spend even a fraction of that year off doing some voluntary work? Maybe she plans to help in a soup kitchen in New York over Christmas not

Her parents are both from the EU, she spent most of her childhood there. They mentioned in a past visit that she views English as her 3rd language. 2/3 of the countries she will be in she is already fluent in the language. She could also work based on that.

Not sure what your comment is meant to portray (well really .. I do!) but I have known 2 young women , the same age, who've read those books and neither are from affluent families and from very working class backgrounds and areas, read them because they were interested in them! Not sure why your friends daughter can't have done the same!

I also think , as a parent, her trip sounds much safer than backpacking!

Exactly a little volunteering wouldn’t hurt! Definitely no soup kitchens at Christmas though as she will be flying back before hand to spend Christmas with her family at the ski chalet.

Your jealousy and resentment is horrible. Comparison is the thief of joy etc.
I don't think you are a good friend and you need to work on those feelings. Find joy in your own life rather than pulling others down.

It sounds frigging amazing!! What I wouldn't give to be able to do that now!

What the hell has it got to do with you anyway?

Do you do any volunteering?

Is she going to university in the UK @Killiam? A good one to study a good course? Is this some kind of reward for that?

A wellness retreat at 17? I thought only menopausal women went to those-and to help with ‘stress’? Some of my friends are far, far wealthier than me and they’d find this earnestness from a teenager hysterical.

I'd be more jealous of her for having been able to retain FOM in the EU than anything else. I'd love that for my DC. I explained to my 6 year old this week what Brexit had done to lose her that freedom and she said that was very stupid.

There's no reason reading Tolstoy wasn't entirely her choice and something she enjoys. Yes she sounds privileged but some people are and it sounds like an amazing gap year.

Degree apprenticeship, they didn’t expand on this just “in finance”.

@Killiam what's your background? it feels like this a massive “I’ve forgotten where I come from”.
Sounds like the parents may have come from an amazing work ethic to have achieved all of this!
Another one for the 'why do you even socialise with them' given your absolute hatred for then and the scary obsession with an 18 yo!

This makes me want her to enjoy it even more - they've obviously grafted their arses off and giving their daughter what they see fit as her parents.

It's not forgetting yourself, what an irritating comment - do you get more kudos for having loads of money but eating beans on toast? You can't take money with you - I couldn't imagine anything more gratifying than being able to give my kids what I want and watching them enjoy it.

Hope she has an absolute ball.

I think the sad and pointless part would be if they have made all these plans for her? Funding it is one thing, but if a gap year is going to help personal development and independence then sue should at least be responsible for the research and planning and booking it all.
Parents should give a budget (and imo she should work in a job first with themmatch funding it) and then back right off.
Check her plans for safety concerns but ultimately be as hands off as possible

I would too. Or bit of work to save money to do whatever you want.

My middle son had an enforced couple of years out as he was applying for something which tends to be better to do with a bit of life experience & doesn’t tend to take people straight out of school.

In his time off he did a course he had applied for but funded by us (away from home but Covid made it a bit crap), various paid jobs ranging from well paid office work from home to bar work, and a theatre practitioner early careers development thing where he founded a theatre company with a bunch of others.

From observation the most valuable experiences in terms of growing up and turning into an actual adult were the theatre thing and working in a bar that was the last to shut in our city - cleaning up bags of coke in the bogs & dealing with vomiting punters and drunken strangers chucking stuff around at 5am.

I’m dubious that parents choosing culturally enriching activities will do anything. In fact middle son now probably does more culturally enriching activities than me, but he found his way to that via peers.

They won’t be able to stop her doing drugs either. That will need to be her decision. It all sounds a bit sad tbh.