To think this the most pointless, indulgent gap year possible

[Killiam]

Met with some old friends of DHs yesterday, we aren’t close anymore but we have daughters of the same age (17).
We asked what their daughter was planing for after A-levels and they told us she’s going on a gap year, thinking it would be a classic backpacking trip we asked where she would be going and this is what they described

• First Greek island hopping (for fun and independence)
• Then a wellness retreat in either Thailand or Indonesia (self reflection and stress management)
• Then December in New York (Engage with the culture such as visiting museums, enjoy city life (she already lives in London but okay?) and emerge herself in the Christmas spirit)
• January to March at the families ski chalet (take on courses to help with leadership skills, read classical literature and ski)
• Rest of the year in France/Italy/Spain (culture again, cooking classes and wine tasting)

They justified it by saying she has no interest in backpacking and they don’t believe that’s enriching anyway and they feel this is a balanced way to transition her from childhood to adulthood (plans a degree apprenticeship for the following year).
They think these experiences will give her the final touches she needs to be successful after putting a lot of effort into ensuring she is well rounded (sports, music, language, well read and well travelled etc.)

AIBU to think this is more indulgent, pointless, year long luxury holiday of a gap year. I don’t mind gap years in general but this will be entirely funded by her parents and I can’t see what exactly is going to make it so enriching. Of course she need not actually worry as they also mentioned buying her a flat worth over a million and how she will have a job in either of their businesses should she actually want it!

Sounds fucking brilliant I'm jealous

Lucky girl - what a trip.

This is not really about the merits of what this kid is going to do on her gap year is it. It's about the wider truth, that it stings a bit when you hear of kids who are given so much when you can't do the same for your own.

I'm sorry to say it continues all the way through, too:

At uni there will be kids who get bought lovely new cars while other kids get the bus.

Kids whose parents give them a generous allowance and other kids trying to have the same fun on a basic budget.

After graduation there are kids who live in the family flat in London, rent-free. Spending all their earned income on socialising, clothes, trips and treats (and buying the drinks for everyone, and drugs) while others still live like students because they're paying huge amount in rent and bills and barely have enough left over to feed themselves. Still having to buy their clothes in Primark when their pals have moved up the fashion food chain.

Then these kids are given the deposit to get on the property ladder while others have to sacrifice and save hard for a very long time.

My kids went straight from school to uni to work. They had Saturday jobs in the sixth form and worked all through their university holidays. They budget, plan and save and stand on their own two feet and are flying in their chosen careers. Some (not all) of their friends - the kids who I have seen be given the most, materially - don't seem particularly happy with life. In fact some of them seem a bit lost - not settling at anything and still planning on 'going travelling' (again..) into their 30s, because it's still an option. Their parents are STILL rescuing them from having to deal with the responsibilities of adult life.

Fair enough I guess, there are many different ways through in life. But I do think that being given too much can infantilise young adults at a formative time. Rob them of taking a pride in their growing independence.

Turn inwards and focus on your own lovely girl. Do what you can for her but be honest and open with her about the realities of finances - it's a really good lesson for her. Real life has to kick in at some point and this is a good time.

It sounds like you & your husband were the ones interrogating them! In your opening post you mentioned "we asked" twice... They don't sound like they are bragging & I doubt their daughter is unusual in their circles. I read Anna Karenina in my teens, no big deal, I also read plenty Jilly Cooper & Jacqueline Wilson.

You sound very judgy.

I'd rather my dd did something similar as a safer gap year than being exposed to potentially dangerous men in shared accommodation these days.

It sounds lovely.
Sounds much more structured than your typical backpacking trip, and therefore safer.
It's a great balance of time for herself and also learning opportunities in different locations and cultures that she can add to her life experience book from a young age.
She sounds very lucky. Are you sure you're not slightly envious ? 😆🤭

That ship has already sailed.

The OP, plus further posts, are so identifiable that any attempts now at discretion are futile!

Lucky girl. I'd love to be able to do that for my kids and I would if I could!

It sounds like you should terminate/distance yourself from this "friendship" since it causes you distress comparing your life to the lives of 2 people who sound like they've worked hard and got lucky.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Having money gives people more choices. That doesn't mean their lives are better or happier. I wouldn't be delighted about my kids having an internship in finance, however "privileged" it may be. Have you seen Industry?!

I agree you shouldn’t see these people again. You don’t like them and hearing about their lives makes you jealous and unkind.

Focus on what you have - rather than what they have.

@Killiam OP youre getting a lot of flack and being told you are jealous but I'm inclined to agree. Going on a gap year that sounds entirely funded and organised by your parents, in countries and cultures she is probably extremely familiar with is unlikely to be enriching. Although very pleasant no doubt!

From my perspective gap years were supposed to be about flexing your independence, working to earn your own money, financing your own travels to places you wanna go, volunteering in an area of interest. It doesnt sound like that is what is happening. But it also sounds like a bloody lovely way to spend a year do I don't feel so sorry for the girl.

This sounds like an amazing year and I'm sure she'll gain a lot from it.

I don't understand this need for everyone to experience some kind of 'struggle' when life itself is always waiting to humble us.

Not all people are equal and that's fine. We all have different qualities, privileges and abilities and we live accordingly.

Some privileged people are shits, as are some less /underprivileged. She'll determine the woman she becomes, one way or another.

I'm not sure how a gap year with the same itinary but "roughing" would be anymore beneficial? It will give her plenty to talk about in interviews later on and she's going to have a wonderful time. Lucky girl.

A gap year is just that - a year of no studying between school and university.

there is no legal definition that young people need to meet! No rules on budget or activities.

she could spend her year fly fishing in Canada or lying in front of the Telly at home if she wanted!

society has constructed expectations for this year - it’s simply kids having a nice year before they start university. Usually because they can and their parents can afford it and they want to have fun before they start studying again.

I read War and Peace when I was a teenager. My parents could only afford Devon for fortnight. I left school at 16 and had a gap 17 years, in which I worked and had my daughter. We're all different.

In my mind a gap year is simply a year between school and uni, or uni and starting work. I didn't think there were any rules? Some people stay in their home town and work/save, some travel some do volunteering/voluntourism, some are on working visas, some back pack....

This sounds like an extravagant one (but within their lifestyle and budget) but why does it fall outside any arbitrary gap year criteria? Or somehow not a "proper" gap year because....?

It can be true, I read both these book at around 14-15 yrs old. Nothing unrealistic about that.

I would have loved to have been able to afford to give my daughter such a wonderful opportunity.

Wow this is amazing!!!!! Good luck to her and what a wonderful gift from the parents. What money buys eh OP!

MN seems to be full of such bitter miseries these days. Not everything in life has to be a race to the bottom where you're only ever allowed to enjoy yourself as long as you've struggled for at least a decade first 🙄

Travelling for a year to multiple continents with no money worries and no stressing about where your next meal is coming from sounds bloody amazing to me - she's very lucky.

Not everything has to be enriching or about learning a lesson - why can't people just enjoy themselves and have a good time without someone coming along and shitting all over it?

Sounds amazing

My only concern would be that the rest of her life will never measure up to her fantastic gap year! Though sounds like her life will be pretty well cushioned too.

This sounds like a better gap year than the usual backpacking!
I think it's good that an 18 year old is reading classic literature. I did at that age and so have my kids, plenty of people enjoy the classics.
Life is unfair. She's got more privilege than most, nothing you can do. Just focus on your own family and your own lives.

If I had the money to, I'd much rather give my kids this kind of experience than the potential dangers of backpacking.

I agree - pointless and indulgent, but what fun!!!! Life is for living I hope she has a fantastic experience!

The chip in your shoulder is getting clearer at each post.

The irony is you are equating an experience at 18 as being all forming. That isn't how humans operate. Who isn't to say she finds out she wants to volunteer, train to be a medic, comes up with a multi billion idea that could save lives

At 18 her book of life has barely begun and piling on your idea of what privilege she has had is ignorance and immature.

She doesn't choose that as of yet that will come in time with life experience and maturity.

You sound horribly bitter and jealous OP.
If you’re not happy with the opportunities you are able to give your own DD, then thats on you, no one else.
Good luck to the girl - sounds a fabulous way to spend a year.

A little volunteering would teach her nothing about the causes and cycle of poverty. It's demeaning for the client group to have someone of privilege turn up to see how the other half live. Volunteering is better done by people who want change, have past experience and will continue in a charity roll. People similar to her will just wonder why they couldn't achieve what her parents did. They won't make the connection with low wages and high rents, the setting of profits etc. Volunteering in other countries doesn't widen your perspective on the UK.
As for reading the classics, I did that as a teen (WC but from immigrant background). My youngest always wanted to do the cookery lessons when we went to North Africa. She works in catering. Isn't the reason most of us want to do better/emigrate is to be able to provide this sort of thing for our children?

We make excuses for nepotism when it was the wealthy giving their sons a leg up, now it's WC people doing it for their daughters, there's issues.