To think this the most pointless, indulgent gap year possible

[Killiam]

Met with some old friends of DHs yesterday, we aren’t close anymore but we have daughters of the same age (17).
We asked what their daughter was planing for after A-levels and they told us she’s going on a gap year, thinking it would be a classic backpacking trip we asked where she would be going and this is what they described

• First Greek island hopping (for fun and independence)
• Then a wellness retreat in either Thailand or Indonesia (self reflection and stress management)
• Then December in New York (Engage with the culture such as visiting museums, enjoy city life (she already lives in London but okay?) and emerge herself in the Christmas spirit)
• January to March at the families ski chalet (take on courses to help with leadership skills, read classical literature and ski)
• Rest of the year in France/Italy/Spain (culture again, cooking classes and wine tasting)

They justified it by saying she has no interest in backpacking and they don’t believe that’s enriching anyway and they feel this is a balanced way to transition her from childhood to adulthood (plans a degree apprenticeship for the following year).
They think these experiences will give her the final touches she needs to be successful after putting a lot of effort into ensuring she is well rounded (sports, music, language, well read and well travelled etc.)

AIBU to think this is more indulgent, pointless, year long luxury holiday of a gap year. I don’t mind gap years in general but this will be entirely funded by her parents and I can’t see what exactly is going to make it so enriching. Of course she need not actually worry as they also mentioned buying her a flat worth over a million and how she will have a job in either of their businesses should she actually want it!

Yes, it is indulgent and pointless, but so are lots of things people do. This is no worse than anyone else taking multiple, expensive holidays with no thought of the impact on the planet. It's no worse than a typical back-packing gap year.

If the parent are trying to present it that the DD is doing something worthwhile, I can see why this would be irritating, but the same would apply to back-packing.

There's nothing really wrong with having a year off while you are young enough to enjoy it and at a time when it's socially acceptable and wouldn't raise eyebrows with future employers, but unless the person is spending the year working, a gap year is nothing more than an extended holiday.

It sounds amazing, no wonder you’re so jealous! I’d have loved to have had a gap year like this and would love to do any one of those things now. I hope she has a fantastic time 😁

You’re not supposed to have funds for a gap year necessarily, you can do it cheaply! I didn’t do backpacking but went on a working holiday visa for 2 years, stayed for 3. I come for a v poor family, anything I saved was from my part time job when I was in my early twenties. I was absolutely broke for the first year but then I learned how to get on with it, managed money, worked in jobs I hated, took on a side hussle. I met the most amazing people and I’m glad I didn’t have mummy and daddy helping me through it. Just thought I’d offer this perspective as if your DD would like to travel, she definitely can. There’s always ways around money if you’re determined to do it especially at that age with no other commitments. I hope she gets to do it if she wants that.

You are right OP - it’s a great big jolly rather than an enriching experience. And at age 42, I think I’d benefit from it greatly 😂

All gap years are a mixture of learning experiences, growing in independence, learning about other countries/cultures and a bit of self indulgence.

However each one will be tailored to the family’s budget. Hers is just a high budget one! No need to slum it if you don’t have to.

I thought a gap year was supposed to prepare you for independent living at Uni. Her parents can spend their money how they like obviously but should call that year what it is. Their daughter will be taking a year long holiday.

A gap year was my forte but from what I gather from other people they had the opportunity to meet other people and learn some independence.

You struggling with privilege is your issue to deal with, though. Your richer friends are giving their child a fairly typical rich kid gap year, with a bit of ‘finishing school’ added in. When a friend of mine did the Ballymaloe cookery course years ago, she said the two biggest groups represented were people having a midlife crisis who’d taken some time out to reset/had been made redundant/were changing careers and young women from well-heeled backgrounds preparing for a ski chalet girl season.

colour me jealous

I was just going to say this.

Op you will spend £'000' s more on your daughter going straight to Uni and having massive Uni holidays. Your DH's friends daughter will be working her way through on top of study with 25 days + stat leave if she is lucky. Yes, she may get study leave, but she is likely to have to use some of her own leave to study as well. Apprenticeships are not an easy trip and are highly competitive to get onto - which is why many that succeed at a degree apprenticeship leap ahead of those with a traditional degree. Under the circumstances, if I could, I'd be helping my child to make the absolute most of their time before they start too, if that's what they wanted.

And if they didn't know what they wanted, but had dubious friends and beginning to dabble in drugs, I'd make damn sure they were away and as occupied as possible too - your DH's friends have been honest with you, but you don't appear to have noticed.

It seems like she's a very lucky girl.

Its also fine to not like something or to be jealous of what another person has, there is not a person alive who hasn't been or isn't jealous of someone else. There is no virtue in pretending jealousy isn't totally normal or labelling it as ugly, it's a feeling and it exists.

I guess part of the issue is DH grew up with the dad, both from very ordinary backgrounds

Also sounds like you may be resentful of the fact that the dad became a millionaire and DH didn't...

Wow sounds fab. Any chance they'd fund one for me?

I don't see why that is any less worthy than a backpacking gap year - a lot of those are preplanned and/or booked with support from parents and travel agents. Likely to have more comfortable and clean accommodation. If she's planning and arranging the Greek island hopping and Italy/France/Spain food and wine tasting really what is the difference? That it's Europe rather than Australia or Asia?

Why must it have a purpose? she is going to have fun, live life, see things, relax - whilst she is young.
Mostly we do things the wrong way round, we jump on the treadmill early, planning and saving for retirement and planning all that we will do then, when we are old, may never see it or be not in the best of health - life is for living and if you are fortunate enough to be able to do so as this young lady is, go for it!

OP you do sound pretty bitter & jealous.
If your dh & this kids dh grew up together & her dh is from 'the EU' does this mean your husband is too?

My 18 year old is in 1st year in a good university but I know she would have loved an opportunity like this! We've travelled a lot & she's v interested in art & culture & food & wine. She has zero interest in backpacking around developing countries being a poverty voyeur. I totally agree with the pervious posters who commented about the fallacy of privileged teens volunteering in these countries.

I think it's fantastic that her parents have been so successful & are now able to give their dc opportunities to travel & potentially employment.

Perhaps these friends may be useful contacts for your dc to get some 'real world' introductions into the business world when they've finished university? Bet you wouldn't be opposed to that!

Then again they were bragging that she just finished reading war & peace and had already done Anna Karenina (how true I can’t be sure!)

I can never understand how stating a fact is bragging unless the words "My (insert name) is better than yours because..." are added.

Yes, it's indulgent, but I wish I coukd provide some of those experiences for my kids. In fact I'd quite enjoy them myself.
At least it's being honest, rather than virtue signalling parents who sent their kids out into third world countries to gawp at poverty.
Typical backpacking can involve a lot of hedonism, even if it is dressed up in clothes that haven't been changed for a week and hiking boots.

I would have loved a gap year of any sort - I was willing to work for it and fund a few months away myself but my parents insisted I go to uni. I hope she has a wonderful time

Once you’ve completed a degree apprenticeship finance, you wouldn’t expect an entry level role. The grads in my company will finish their training in a £50k pa role, and if they moved to London I could believe they could walk into a £100k role. Sounds like the daughter will do similar.

Yes, they’re privileged but you just sound bitter about it.

Imagine being so jealous of an 18 year-old girl that you would take to MN in a futile attempt to drum up support for your own petty jealously.

You do sound pathetic OP. And of course the girl could have read those books - why on earth not?

What are your kids doing?

I think it's you who needs to work on herself.

Jealousy is normal. Starting threads about it isnt. DD has a health condition and she is envious of those with perfect health. But as adults do, she keeps that to herself.

Sounds heaven to me. And probably perfect for the adult life she’ll be going into.

I'm still laughing at the any gap year being "pointless".

Most aren't. Mine was fab, thanks. <<reminisces>> (old codger).

Sounds wonderful, I'd love a bit of that myself!