To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

I’ve ended up driving there twice again, once at 1am this morning and again at just after 3am this morning as well.

As I said, there’s a meeting this morning with their foster carers and social services so I’m going to raise this sleeping issue again and see what other solutions we could potentially try (I will also suggest to them some of the kind suggestions made on here by everyone). I don’t know where we go from here with this though but I just know its exhausting night after night. I don’t like the idea of just turning my phone off earlier like some people have suggested, as it doesn’t feel right just leaving them when they need me so much at that particular moment after waking up.

I'm going to be a bit blunt OP but what would the foster carers do if you were to crash the car whilst driving tired and be hospitalised or worse? While they may want what's best for the twins they are taking advantage of you.

You can’t carry on like this-you need to turn your phone off and sleep and let social care solve this one. If you crash your car whilst tired or end up out of work through burnout, you will be no good to your siblings either,

I will ask today in the meeting to be exactly what they were told about court/sentencing and how it was explained to them. I already know some of how it was explained to them but I will ask to be told everything today, I’ve just not asked that question before as it’s just not come up before. We have spoke about some of it before, for example when the twins have asked me a question about court/sentencing/our parents so that’s how I know some of how it was explained to them because I’ve spoke to their carers about it occasionally after the twins have asked me questions. But I’ll bring it up in the meeting today and ask exactly how everything was explained to them and ask for more detail (I don’t have all the details at the moment on how it was explained to them. Just a brief overview if you get what I mean) on it than I have already.

Do you think it could be worth us (me and their foster carers) going back and trying some of the potential solutions again that we’ve previously tried? The ones they said were not working after a couple of nights.

Bless you OP, I hope this mornings meeting goes well, for a 20 year old you have an awful lot to shoulder.

I honestly have no idea what we’d do if I couldn’t go round there for whatever reason, honestly I don’t have a clue what we’d do because they only settle for me.

You need to be really clear that, as much as you love your siblings and understand they are traumatised, it is not doing your health, mental or physical, any good and you cannot do it anymore. They must find another solution. It's far too easy for the carers to call you rather than work on other strategies. I really feel for you. It must be so difficult.

I don't have any solutions for you, but I just wanted to give you a big hug. You really can't continue like this and the experts need to come up with a better solution than phoning you at all hours.
You are so young and have been given a huge amount of responsibility and anxiety. Take care of yourself first and impress upon the social worker that you are going to be ill if they can't think of other ways to resolve the situation.
Hugs.

If you weren’t there, the twins, the foster carers, social services would HAVE to find another way to resolve this though. Because you are prepared to drive out there at least once, if not twice a night, there’s no impetus to find this alternative resolution though. Only you can actually resolve the issue because until you say - I CANNOT drive out night after night after night; it is killing me and therefore I will no longer do it, they will let you do it.

Only you can decide whether you’re prepared to go for the nuclear option but - since you’ve explained that none of the other solutions suggested on this thread will work - it seems to me that you only have two choices. Continue as you are until you break, or refuse to continue as you are and insist that another solution is found.

I would talk to the children's social worker, explain you cannot go on like this. Ultimately the children need to learn to sleep, and current arrangements are not helping this.
A new night time plan needs to be formulated, that doesn't involve you. Yes it will be hard, and get worse before it gets better for foster carers, but it needs to be done.
At 20 years old you need to be putting your own needs first, to establish yourself in the world. Then you will be in s better position to help the children in other ways/ role model etc

OP you are an incredible young woman, but I do feel worried for you. I don't think it is possible to keep going like this without it catching up with you at some point. Your nervous system will be set to high alert, and I think you are at risk of burn out at some point.

I have three children, two of whom are autistic and one of whom has poor mental health and often can't to to school. I am well resourced and far older than you and it has nearly broken me several times.

You can still be a loving and supportive sister for them without taking on their care.

You are amazing @BeJollyOrca , and it's clear how much you love your siblings and would sacrifice for them. But that can't be your health and life - because ultimately that would mean you would be unable to be there for them at all, as you might be hospitalised or worse. You're right that this is unsustainable and can't go on, raising it with the foster carers and services is the right thing to do. Let them know what you would be happy with (eg staying over) and let them find a solution within that. It can't be that you all wait until the nightmares stop because as others have said that may be a long time, sadly. Wishing you all the best for the meeting today.

Do you think it could be worth us (me and their foster carers) going back and trying some of the potential solutions again that we’ve previously tried? The ones they said were not working after a couple of nights.

Definitely. It’s going to take some time - by which I mean weeks or months - to get the kids to the point where they’ll settle without you. Go back to trying some of the things you/they have done previously - eg things that smell of you, having your voice (build a bear were good for that with my two), pull back on being there at bed time but talk with them about where you will be, what you’ll be doing, how much you’ll miss them and - importantly - when you’ll see them again. Every time you see them talk about how much you thought of them, every time you leave talk about how much you’ll be thinking of them, use transitional objects (can be anything, something for them to keep to give back to you), if they have phones sending texts throughout the day telling them what you’re doing.

Basically attachment is the bond that holds us when we aren’t with people we love, and you’re two will struggle with that, especially with your parents being absent. So anything that helps them feel that while you aren’t with them you still love them, and that you’re coming back will help overall.

It’s going to be a case of chipping away at it, there’s no one magic answer here, just lots of strategies combined. You’ll also find that what works one day won’t work the next, that’s just the nature of things. I’d be asking the foster carers what they’d do if you weren’t there - it’s highly unusual to have a family member be so present for kids in foster care, and most kids have sleep difficulties, so they must have some strategies of their own.

Part of the problem now is that the kids know if they’re upset the foster carers will bring you in, that’s going to be a very hard association to break so expect it to get worse before it gets better. The kids will push hard to have you there so think about contingency plans. I’d honestly consider taking some time off work because even if you’re not physically there, your own sleep is likely to be disrupted regardless.

Surely your sisters are learning that you will come if they cry?

Sorry to be blunt but I think they're just going to have to endure some disturbed nights and not ring for you because there is no other realistic option.

You could visit before bedtime and reassure them that you'll visit every day, but you have your own life to lead too.

The Foster parents are just going to have to manage between them until the girls get out of this habit.

You have said about potentially adopting them. Would you pass the assessments to become their foster carer or connected carer? They could come and live with you and you would get support physically and financially.

The foster carers should be speaking with SW for support, it shouldn't be on you

Wondering op if your work offers carers leave or similar? Would you get paid sick leave to allow you to take some time off and rest? Or could you strategically book holidays or look at part time for a period?

A PP asked about what the foster parents are doing and are they "therapeutically parenting" - I cannot begin to tell you how angry this makes me. I have seen this scenario play out with friends and family.

Foster carers (and indeed adoptive parents) are NOT therapists and should not be used as a cheap alternative to proper therapy whist being paid a pittance and soaking up the day-to-day exhaustion of care. They are there to parent in difficult circumstances and the statutory services should be providing the therapy.

The basic problem here (apart from the obvious sad initial circumstances) is the lack of proper child mental health services and social services. No decent SW should be allowing a 20 year old sibling to be traipsing about in the middle of the night to deal with a problem of nightmares. The OP here needs to ask to be treated as a Vulnerable Adult to whom SSD have responsibilities of care. She has suffered trauma too, and is taking on a burden that is impossible. She is not the solution, she is herself vulnerable and SSD should be taking this on board. It's not just a question of seeking solutions - it is a question of the statutory services taking on their proper responsibilities. These meetings are a total pain - the people who have the power sit around pontificating and then go home to their comfortable beds and set people afloat on the choppy seas to manage as best they can.

The OP needs to make it absolutely clear that she cannot and will not continue to do this - that her well-being matters too. She is young and kind and lacking in life experience and being taken advantage of. It is hard to dig your heels in when you care deeply for these girls, but until you do the responsibility will be offloaded onto you - and you need to take care of yourself too.

I speak as a retired SW, aunt of an adopted child with special needs, and supporter of a friend in very similar circumstances. I have seen this scenario so many times.

A PP asked about what the foster parents are doing and are they "therapeutically parenting" - I cannot begin to tell you how angry this makes me. I have seen this scenario play out with friends and family.
Foster carers (and indeed adoptive parents) are NOT therapists and should not be used as a cheap alternative to proper therapy whist being paid a pittance and soaking up the day-to-day exhaustion of care. They are there to parent in difficult circumstances and the statutory services should be providing the therapy.

You should maybe know what you’re speaking about before getting your knickers in a twist. Therapeutic parenting isn’t anything to do with therapy, it’s a style of parenting specifically developed to support children who have experienced trauma. It focussed on relationship building and developing a secure attachment pattern in children with disrupted attachments. It’s “therapeutic” in as much as it supports the gaps in their development. It is not therapy nor is it a substitute for therapy but it does support the work done in therapy.

I know what it is!!! - and I also know how very hard it is to achieve unsupported - and how it is used as an excuse to avoid funding proper therapy. I have seen it all before.

I also know how busy SWs are - I was one! - and how easy it is to bung in a course for foster carers and fail to follow this up with intensive support. Any child in need of therapeutic parenting is a massive challenge that is beyond most people. I have seen foster carers and adoptive parents crumble through lack of support. They are torn in two - wanting to do their best for a child they have grown fond of, but left adrift and unsupported. The situation our OP is in amply demonstrates this - the foster carers cannot cope, so they are calling on a young vulnerable adult to pick up the pieces - in the middle of the night.

To be fair to the SWs the absence of the intensive support is usually due to a lack of funds, but a young woman like the OP must not be left in this situation and her needs should take equal priority. One of the problems is that the advocates for her needs will be in a different section of SSD - Adult Services.

Your siblings are understandably traumatised and unsettled, but the foster carers are being paid to deal with this. You are not. Your siblings are repeating learned behaviour that leads to reward. Every time they wake up and refuse to settle back down and calm themselves, they are eventually rewarded by something comforting, familiar and safe to them. You.

It's unfair for everyone to keep leaning on you to solve this problem when you've been through enough already. You need to speak to their social worker. If the foster carers can't manage without repeatly involving you then they need different foster carers, or a residential placement. Chances are that their autism would have caused them to wake up and have meltdowns in the middle of the night anyway, even before you factor in all this emotional upheaval and trauma. But it's not for you to provide the solution and you don't need anyone's permission to step back. In the long run it's probably not helping them anyway. You turning up every time is just reinforcing this muscle memory trigger for them to wake up the first place. This is one of those things where the band aid needs to be ripped off. It won't be nice for the foster carers or the children but it has to happen for anything to get better. It's okay for you to tell them this and to turn off your phone at night from now on.

Sorry no suggestions but just wanted to say that you are an amazing sister, they will always remember the way you were there for them ❤️

@Mischance I don’t disagree with you - it’s an absolute disgrace that the OP is being put in this position, the foster carers need the right supports in place as does the OP for her own trauma. The reality is even when you know the system it’s almost impossible to get what kids need to survive, much less thrive.

My point is it’s beyond the capacity of a young woman to be trying to fix this - it’s going to take a team and lots of time. Her staying with the foster carers might solve an immediate problem, but it won’t help in the longer term - the professionals need a more concrete plan that doesn’t involve the OP as an active participant. She should be present if she wants to be but not being relied on to get the kids to sleep. It’s absolutely laughable that anyone thinks her being called in twice a night is appropriate but we both know services will take the easiest, cheapest route while pretending it’s in the child’s best interests.

Indeed - it is very sad. But replicated in varying degrees all round the country every day.

I’ve just come out the meeting now. I’ll reply more fully as soon as I get chance which should be later this afternoon.

Yes. You can't see your family if you crash, OP.

Not quite the same, but some years ago my now late husband had open heart surgery. Before going into hospital, he told me not to do the drive to visit him - the hospital was some distance away from home - more than an hour's drive each way - worse during rush hour.

I was working full time and also having to check in on my parents each day, so I'd work and then head off to hospital and see him. Then, pick up any groceries needed for my parents or hospital supplies for DH, drive to my parent and see to them and finally get home late at night.

I did go in each day - I was the only visitor apart from one visit from his brother who had driven up from England* - and post-op he became agitated if I didn't visit. There were complications and he was in for a month.

One night, on the way home I fell asleep momentarily at the wheel of the car. Thank God I didn't cause an accident. Woke up at the wheel, and drove home with the radio on and the windows down.

Phoned the hospital the next day and told the ward I'd not be in that day.

*His DIL and son were due to come up from England to visit but cancelled - there was "no point" until he was out of hospital.