To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

Can they not spend nights with you or you with them? Xx

What do you think about the option of letting the authorities and carers get on with it?
And you taking a very back seat and getting some rest?

I want to be involved and help and support my sisters.

You can support in other ways without driving around when you're absolutely shattered.
I fear for you.
Please let go a little.

I’ve just seen that another poster a few pages back has asked about my friends. To be honest everyone is kind of just shut out at the moment and has been for the past few months, except about 2-3 friends but the rest are kind of just shut out at the moment. I know it sounds horrible because they are my friends but I just haven’t got the time or headspace for anything besides work and my sisters at the moment.

What advice do the 2 or 3 friends offer (if any) ?

I don’t have any advice but wanted to say how wonderful you are to be doing all this. I hope you come up w/a workable solution so you and the twins can start sleeping through the night. They probably really need your love at this period of their lives 💞

Everyone saying 'you are amazing, you are incredible, you are wonderful' is true but it's also really a way of saying 'that's more than is humanly possible'. I have had the same said about me, and I did survive a few years, but then had a nervous breakdown through the stress of being 'on call' and responsible for the lives of others constantly, my adrenaline would not switch off. I looked like I was coping fantastically, til I wasn't.

I am worried for your OP and worried that somewhere someone has forgotten you are 20 with your own set of trauma about the situation and whilst you are just about hanging on now, it would not take much to make this unsustainable. You can't work and be up driving all night or indeed responsible for two very traumatised distressed young people about to enter their teenage years.

I think the word 'no' is going to have to enter your vocabulary. No, I can't come over. It is very distressing for your siblings, but you haven't caused it and I have a horrible feeling it is not for you to fix it either. Going there in the morning, in the evening, during the night. You can't do this long-term at all.

I think it's only when you look like you will collapse or say no that social services will start to put in alternative placements for them and more support. 24/7 care is not something one lone 20 year old can provide going forward, IMO, it's hard enough for a couple who are older.

I would go onto the Special Needs board and the Adoption boards and seek advice there about the reality of this situation and get specific advice on what to offer.

You are wonderful and amazing, it's not that, it's that this creates a ridiculous amount of pressure to the point something will give. You need to work, have a social life as well as be a sibling who visits a lot- daily, several times a day cannot be sustainable going forward. Through a short crisis, yes, but not as a plan to go forward.

Really? OP loves their siblings clearly. Not everyone sees autistic kids as disposable. Perhaps sit this one out if you can't help being hateful.

Look after yourself. Don’t forget that this has been traumatic for you too.

A lot of the explaining to them was done by their foster carers and social workers and other professionals but the twins have also asked me questions about it before too.

I’d be wanting to know exactly what they’ve been told and how, given this has been an issue since sentencing. Not all foster carers, or indeed social workers, are skilled in explaining complex issues to traumatised children, sadly.

It sounds like they’ve been re traumatised in the telling about your parents. They may feel guilty that their parents are in prison because of their actions (eg in disclosing abuse, taking part in police interviews etc). As I’m sure you know children have a great deal of love and loyalty for their parents, even abusive ones and need help to make sense of very confused feelings. They may find it difficult to settle and stay asleep because it feels disloyal to their parents, whom they have lost and who are now in prison.

Have a think about whether being there last thing at night and then first thing in the morning is serving you/them well. They fall asleep with you there, and wake with you there - it must be terrifying for them to wake in the night and find you gone. There are lots of things you can do to help build attachment and help them hold you in mind when you aren’t there. It may be worth not doing bedtime/morning routine so the foster carers can get into a pattern of settling them to bed, and then helping them if they wake. Yes it’s hard to see children distressed but what’s happening to them is distressing - you being so available is plastering over the cracks in some ways.

They may also need help to hold their parents in mind safely - because whatever the harm done to them, it’s still their mum/dad and the sentence may have driven home that they won’t be in their family unit again and they need to be able to grieve that. Again it’s the foster carers role to do the heavy lifting there, but some really can’t put their judgement of the parents aside and help the kids mourn.

The foster carers need to be quite a bit more resilient too, it’s going to take a while for the kids to settle, they need to give it more than a night or two. You’ve become an easy answer to an immediate problem.

To be honest everyone is kind of just shut out at the moment and has been for the past few months, except about 2-3 friends but the rest are kind of just shut out at the moment.

That shutting people out can be a sign of vicarious trauma, which is the impact of caring for others. And of course you have your own trauma and grief to deal with too. Where are you getting support from in all of this?

You sound like an amazing and supportive sister. I hope the foster carers are not taking advantage of you and just being lazy about supporting your sisters.
Something to think about - if you foster your siblings you will recieve financial support for them that you would not recieve if you adopt! It's not that you should avoid adopting them it's more that the additional money will.
help you with the additional costs involved in caring for 2 kids.
I hope everything works out for them and you ❤️

You sound incredibly hard-nosed. OP clearly wants to help support her siblings and your posts read like she should wash her hands of them.

Absolutely this,I'm pretty appalled they keep calling you and aren't finding a way round this themselves.

You need to tell them you will be turning your phone off as you will be sleeping and this can't go on.

You sound fantastic but it's not your job to sacrifice your own health.

I hope you have your own therapy and support too, you’ve been through so much.

cahms often have a LAC nurse who can access help quicker, you really need a psychiatrist who is expert in trauma. The melatonin wears off after a few hours so it could be this is why they’re waking in the early hours . Other medications can be used alongside to help their anxiety.

Make sure if you progress to kinship care or adoption that you get a full package of support in place. They’re going to need help and support for a really long while, as are you. Ensure you’ve had specialist assessments done to make sure the support is the right sort and for long enough.

Find a local support group if you can, for adopters / fosterers as people who understand and get it can be a lifeline.

sending you strength, you are a wonderful sister

Where did I say wash her hands of them?

I suggested OP's responsibility is to keep in touch and visit them whenever possible.

Don't make things up, it doesn't help...

I'm not hard nosed, just realistic through hard experience.

Oh my. What a wonderful sibling you are.
I suggest asking this question on the SEN and Foster boards.

Have you heard of the phrase "put your own oxygen mask on first"?
This applies here. You need to look after you.
Obvs they are your siblings so you want to be there for them. But if you make yourself sick then you can't be.

In the short term - speak to those in charge of your siblings care. What have the kids been told? What therapy are they having right now, what will they have? What is the plan right now for their sleep and nightmares? Meds and therapy should be mentioned.

(Meds - anti anxiety, melatonin and sleeping pills)
And it should be the foster carer pushing this. Or their social worker.

Good luck OP and take care of you.

I have nothing useful to offer, but you are an amazing person.

I would also add that while melatonin helps DS fall asleep at a more reasonable time, it doesn't stop him waking in the night.

OP you are an absolute hero but this isn’t sustainable at all.

I wonder if the nightmares have started as your siblings feel safe to react to their feelings now?
Soldiers in the Second World War kept fighting and fighting because they had to when they were on the front line. It was common once the war was over and they were home and safe that’s when they finally let themselves feel the trauma they had suffered and this often caused nightmares.
This is just a theory but as someone who has suffered abuse and trauma and has CPTSD it often arises at the time the victim finally feels safe. If this has just happened after your parents have been sentenced then it might mean your siblings feel they are finally able to stop repressing their feelings.
As I mentioned it is just a theory and I’m no expert but it might explain why they feel secure once you are there as you are obviously the person they feel safest with.

Would it be possible for you to have an open FaceTime or Skype call at night so you don’t have to physically be there? You could be there when they go to sleep and call when you are leaving and literally leave it connected till you return?

This dependancy isn’t going to end without you taking a step back, I know that seems impossible if foster carers can’t cope without you but this can’t continue forever without having a negative impact on your life, I know you want to do everything you can to help but if you burn yourself out then it’s not going to work long term. How can you take care of anyone if you don’t have the mental and physical strength to do so?

Would it be possible to take some time off work and sleep during the day so you are getting enough sleep to cope with the nightly visits? Maybe if you could try to find a way to reduce these visits and prepare your siblings like other posters have mentioned? You could try doing every other night or finding an excuse where you can’t visit some nights. If your siblings know you are available and going to come they will ask for you and be distressed if you don’t go. Would it be possible to say you have to work some nights and prepare turn in advance so they can try to find inner coping mechanisms?

I can’t imagine what you’ve all been through and this is still so raw, I think it’s too early to talk about long term plans without knowing what the future holds, you have no idea how your own mental health will be in the future and what you have the capacity to offer, I think this needs dealing with one step and a time, day by day and you need as much outside support that you can access.

With the greatest respect I think your siblings are going to need a lot of professional health and support with people who have training on how to reassure and cope with kids with this level of trauma, you can be there on that journey and I think your involvement will be important at building trust but you are so young yourself and I doubt you have the resources to raise children who will need so much support.
If you sacrifice your whole life then it’s possible you will struggle with the enormity of this decision in the future.

I worked as a support worker on nights for years for adults in residential housing and we had a large team who had lots of training.
I saw lots of young adults arrive who couldn’t get through the night without nightmares or who were unable to be alone, it was very distressing seeing them experiencing nightmares and flashbacks and at times we’d question if they would ever be able to get through the night without support. In most cases it took time and we would reduce staff presence at night slowly but the service users were having therapy and medication and often it just takes time.

We would get constant requests for family members to visit during the night but this would just cause dependence on them and mean they would be less likely to learn to cope alone.

I’m sorry it you think I’ve overstepped with any of these suggestions or come across as not having a clue. Like I said I’m not an expert and can’t imagine what you’ve all been through, I feel very unequipped to offer advice (especially when I don’t know the full situation) but my heart goes out to you and I just thought I’d offer my thoughts just in case I can be any help at all.

I really do think you sound like an amazing selfless person and I don’t think many people would be able to do what you are doing and still be looking to do more, it shows how much you love your siblings and I think based on that it should give you all an unbreakable bond that will be priceless in the future. Love doesn’t solve everything but it goes a long way and it can give people a strength they didn’t know they have when times get tough.

Another vote to say you are awesome.

What do you actually do / say that settles them? Could you do it over facetime or similar?

What about a trip to 'build a bear'? Make a recording for each of them of the things you say?

Sorry I don't have an answer, I wish you well.

Burning yourself out will help nobody, but it will land you in a lot of trouble. There will come a time you can't cope.

You cannot be available every night. Turn your phone off. I know it seems cruel, but you need to sleep. Perhaps you could help 2 nights a week. You do need to source more support.

You really need to speak to their social worker and let them know what is happening and that it is not at all sustainable for you. The carers are paid to care for the children and need to come up with strategies to help them sleep with the professional team around them. The onus should not be on you.