AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

You did do something for him… and his choice was to share it with his wife.

If you speak to him about it you will cause division, resentment, and seem controlling.

You can tell him how proud of him you are.

And maybe you should be prouder that he is a good husband who is a loving team with his wife - which is what is best for your grandchildren.

You needed to specify to him explicitly that the cheque was a gift just for himself.

You keep saying that women are trained to spoil themselves, but IME women put themselves last in the pecking order of the family, while their male partners tend to just arrange what they want to do and do it. How nice that your son isn’t one of those men and wants his wife to be given a treat too. What a great man you have raised!

Maybe next time give him a set of Michelins or something so it’s overtly for him?

I think all of this “what if the roles were reversed” just doesn’t take into account the society we live in, and the expectations of and opportunities given to men and women respectively.

People say “oh treat yourself” to women precisely because the balance has always been in favour of men treating themselves and putting themselves first or at least equal with their families. Women have traditionally not done so and still mostly don’t. The idea of saying “have something for yourself” to women is to bring things a bit nearer to equal, not that women, esp new mothers, have it easier than men.

You can’t give a gift and dictate its use. You’ve raise a none selfish son, who very very understandly wants to share with his wife, that’s normal to do that, for them to share as a family, don’t be a weirdo and complain about it.

You gave him the money saying it was just for him

He has chosen to share it with his wife because they have both had a tiring time recently

his choice

do not say anything

You did a nice thing. Your son did a nicer thing. Well done for raising him to be unselfish and a good partner! DIL is not bad either, she sent a lovely thank you text!

Because it’s unlikely to be £600 for mum to a daughter and she wouldn’t care if her daughter wanted to spend it on her husband and family either.

Perhaps your son had been wanting to treat his wife to something for a long time but hadn't been able to save for it and your gift gave him the opportunity to do so.

Either way once you gift someone money it is theirs to do with it as they wish, next time buy an actual gift or voucher for something specific.

Your DIL does sound lovely, so I'm not sure why you are interpretating her thank you as something else.

If you want to make sure the gift is as you intended then you either pay it directly into his personal bank account, or buy the thing he wants and give it to him directly.

It's lovely that your son wants to share the treat with his wife. His lovely hard working wife. They seem like a great couple.

Be happy that you get along with your son and daughter in law, and get to have a nice relationship with your grandchildren. It's priceless, believe me.

If you push this you might just find DIL quietly withdraws. No longer facilitating visits, holidays, gifts, and leaving all "in law" stuff to your husband to handle. It's how it should be anyway, but in reality, a lot of men don't bother much.

In future if you want to treat your son you could always get him a physical gift?

Yabu, they are a family. You gave it to him so he can spend it how he likes. I can not imagine receiving money from a family member and spending it all entirely on myself when I have a husband and children. Unless they are wealthy and £600 is nothing to them it would be selfish for him to not consider his partner.

You gave him a gift and he spent it on what he wanted, a treat for his wife and a treat for him. I don’t know how you can be annoyed about that, it sounds very controlling that you want to dictate what he spends it on.

If my mum gave me some money, I would do the same, spend it on a treat for both of us together or separately. My mum would never dictate what I would spend it on (personally I’d prefer a night out with some friends to a spa as well), because she’s a lovely women who gives gifts with no strings.

what excellent point are you referring to that makes me not unreasonable

Absolutely, good points.

feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

So you don’t actually think she is ‘very sweet’?

You can’t give a gift and insist on what it’s spent on. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son and DIL. Don’t ruin it over something like this. Most couples would do the same i’m sure.

O no, this is all wrong. They are married; their finances are joint and you don’t get to dictate that only one receives a gift of that kind of money. That will breed resentment.

My MIL gives my DH $300 for his birthday. And she gives me $300 for my birthday. We have a great relationship. I’m not saying that’s why, but it certainly helps.

You are right. If you're a mother of a son its highly likely your interaction with him will be percieved differently than a daughter. This is not well acknowledged on here, because mums of boys don't like the idea that their relationship with their adult sons may be different and they will have less latitude and more restrictions thsn the mother of a married daughter; and you will get anecdotes that say otherwise. But as a general trend, it's true.
I recently bought my DD a city break for us to go together. Dsil stayed home with grandchildren. Everyone happy with this. Friends said 'oh how lovely'. Were I to substitute DS for DD in this story it would be different indeed. I think the reasons for this are many and complex, but its definitely a thing.

Of course he was gonna share it with his partner lol he sounds lovely and thoughtful but you wanted him to say "get lost my mum said I only have to spend it on myself" that's not gonna cause any issues is it.

You should be proud that you have a lovely son who wants to share a treat with his wife.

Intentionally or not, you don't get to drive a wedge between them with money.
It's either already been decided in the relationship that all money is shared or not, so even asking him to keep it is asking to cause trouble.

Gifts don’t come with conditions. Once you gave it to your son it was completely his choice what he did with it.

A gift with strings is no gift at all!

But what if my DIL gets offended? In what ways do mothers of men get more flack on here?

My pils give dh cash every year as it’s tax free inheritance and they hate the fact that he’s open about it with me, and looks on all money as family money. Last year it was put against our mortgage. He loves spending time with me, and with our dc and is just a very generous, family oriented man. But it kills my mil that I might be spending her money and dh knows that. That’s exactly the kind of text he’d put me up to sending.