AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

This

Also, just to add: if DH or I come into a bit of extra money for some freelance work or whatever, we always share it. £100-200 each for personally spending usually and the rest into savings. I can’t imagine keeping money to myself in a marriage and I would be horrified if DH did the same.

Quite. She seems to think she is a manipulative, undeserving, passive aggressive cow. For no real reason.

They’re a partnership. Singling one of them out for a massive treat such as £600 could buy is just going to put a wedge between you and DIL, at a time when she’s probably the one feeling under appreciated by the world in general and in need of a treat.

And I also agree with this.

Why now? Why this? And what a weird thing to call out. Complimenting your child on being a good husband and father as though that is some peculiar and noteworthy sacrifice he is making? The man is s husband and father. Presumably that is his willing and enthusiastic choice. How odd and off to reward him with some kind of male “push present” as though he has gone above and beyond what eas expected and needed a tip.

I think he and your DIL assumed that of course a monetary gift was for both because they think of themselves as a—gasp—couple. Just like if you brought a cake to their house the whole family would enjoy it. How ofd and divisive to think otherwise.

Same as other posters all gifts and earnings I've had, have become family pooled money.

You did a nice, well-intentioned thing for your son @BySassyUmberPeer

I completely understand @BySassyUmberPeer

My Mum used to do this for me too, I always spent it on my family though.

This time, I think you just text your DiL saying you hope she has a wonderful spa day as @Hercisback1 says

Going forward, if you'd like to treat just your son (and why shouldn't you) it will have to be a physical gift.

He's used your generosity to share with his wife, this shows you, again, that he's the lovely man you raised. Try not to be too irritated 🌻

If either mine or Dh's parents give us money whether its for Birthday, Xmas or just a random cheque it goes in our joint account regardless of what it is for, if my mum said do something nice with it that would include DH?

I just want to know where you’re living that women with children are constantly taking time for themselves.

It’s clearly nowhere I’ve ever heard of.

This.

Your gift was vague and without context. If you want to do something special for him, give him an extra special birthday present

My thoughts exactly, op's ds put the Dil up to the text, he wants op to know he and his wife are a team.

I think this is where the issue lies. You’re making this about something bigger and about what kind of relationship you want with him, exclusive of his wife. Boy mums are always a bit weird about this stuff and tbh you just need to accept his family is his priority now. Of course you can have a relationship with him, but stop trying to dictate on what terms / try to compete with his wife.

What if this gets back to my DIL which since they are married he would most likely tell her? Also isn’t it getting to involved in their marriage to ask exactly how the conversation went down? I want to so bad text her that but everyone on here is saying that it would hurt my DIL’s feelings and sour the previous great relationship I had with her. Not to mention she could decide not to bring the GC around. I’m wondering if your response is sarcastic because I believe you are the only poster so far to suggest to say to my DIL the gift was just for my son.

Honestly you’re being ridiculous. Why would you want to cause issues in your relationship with your DIL? Your son obviously values her enough to share with her, accept that.

It’s fine to gift money straight to your son.

It’s fine for him to decide that what he wants is to use some or all of it on his wife. Forcing him not to would be unreasonable and controlling. Gifts that come with strings are not gifts at all.

It’s not fine for his wife to demand or guilt him in to giving it to her. But we have no idea whether this has happened.

If you say something to him he's gonna say something to her along the lines of "oh I've just got a weird text from mum, that money was meant for you, blah blah blah

she's gonna be massively hurt, he's gonna feel awkward as hell and your relationship with both of them will take a hard knock, things will never be the same. You'll see your grandchildren's less because the teas you have with just her will stop. I know if my MIL did something like that I'd take it as a hint that she dosnt really like me deep down, and Id distance myself. It's not all about how you meant the gift, it's about how others perceive it too.

I agree with someone above who said, just say you're welcome, love you both lots.

no need to cause a rift, they're a family, he's right to share.

How is saying my DIL is sweet showing I think I am superior? I said she is sweet. Last time I checked that’s a complimentary word.

YABU - while your son has been working hard - who has been picking up the slack at home with 2 small children? Why can't your son share the gift if he wants to?

It's interesting as there was a very similar scenario on Gransnet about a year ago where the OP gave a cheque to her son for "working hard" for a treat just for himself - but in the GN case the MIL specifically excluded the DIL from being treated and caused a whole lot of upset then wondered why DIL no longer visits and communicates as much

Sounds like you're trying to manipulate your adult son and assert control by using money and wide eyed innocence "but goodness, can't a mummy just spend money on her special boy". Of course you can spend money any way you want but obviously so can they. Sounds like you're jealous because you try and use money as a way to control and it hasn't worked. Be careful because since their marriage is so strong, the only one who's likely to lose out by causing drama is you.

I think that you are not understanding @BySassyUmberPeer . I am a mother of 3. eldest is a girl..well, married woman of 35 now. Her brothers are 34,married and 31 single . My son in law is a pain in our butt in such a fun way. The kind that sends stupid memes to my husband and makes really off colored jokes to my husband (never in front of me or his kids) Our son that is married, our daughter in law is lovely but not very social. If we gifted our kids (and we have) anything, then that money is theirs to do what they chose to with it. If they love their spouse and children to do something for them, then I am proud that I raised kids that put their little families first! As long as it was not demanded to be handed over , it just shows our kids capacity for love for their spouses and that is a GOOD thing. Next time if you want to do something for JUST your son, buy him a gift. Not money, because like a good spouse , he will share. I am sad for your daughter in law.

if you think she is sweet why are you so desperate to send an arsey text.

this is a sweet moment, a husband is sharing with his wife who will also have had a tough time with two young ones, and you’re making it into a drama, this is a lovely moment, this is what normally happens in a family. Tell them both to enjoy and stop getting stressed that a family shared a gift together

They're not comparable scenarios at all. Women's position in society and the value put on women's unpaid and caring work mean these two scenarios are not at all interchangeable. The fact that you've leapt with enthusiasm to respond to the disingenous posters encouraging this view suggests that at a deep level you don't value her women's work as much as you value "the father your son has become" either. I think you should take a long hard look at that, because you obviously expected everyone here to go all gooey inside just because your DS is reportedly pulling his weight in terms of what he does, even if what he does isn't the same as what she does.

As for what you reply to her, why do you need to reply at all? You gave him a gift, which he's shared with her, and she has thanked you (and hopefully so has he). Why does anything more need to be said, unless you're determined to get the last word for some reason, of course?