AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

My PIL often give my DH money. He always puts it in the joint account and we spend how we want. This year it is paying for DS school trip and last year we booked a weekend away (we also invited the in-laws).
When my mum died we spent what I inherited on an extension.
To me if you are one family unit money should help everyone.
Maybe your DIL is in desperate need of a rest and DS recognised that. I would take it as a compliment. You have brought your DS up well and he wants to look after his wife.

Well OP what exactly do you want from this thread as you haven’t listened at all to what the majority of posters have said. You keep batting back all opinions that sharing is a lovely thing of your son to do. You keep saying you like your DIL but I’m not getting that impression. This is now the main woman in his life, he loves her, she takes priority and he wants to share, I’ve got a feeling that their Christmas and birthday gifts from you aren’t always equal, ie he gets more noticeably spent on him from you and with the cash gift he was able to make it fair. What’s the answer you want from us all?

If your son is working that hard and has two small children, I'd bet that he wasn't really taking in what you said about it just being for him. "Uh huh, uh huh - thanks Mum" and then out of his mind the next second. So she was probably unaware that it wasn't just for your son and was simply doing the wife work of properly thanking you. Also, I bet it was your DIL who did the work of cashing the check. Or at least reminding your son to do it 10 times.

I think if you wanted DS just to treat himself you should have given him less. I'd happily spend £50 on a treat for myself but anything more I'd absolutely share with my husband/family. I'd feel horribly selfish spending £600 on myself while DH got nothing and he'd feel the same.

You're overthinking it. You respond with "You're welcome. I hope you both enjoy yourselves."

What if he had used it to take her out to dinner or put it towards a holiday? Would you have expected her to go halves on it? You're being weird.

I think you should leave the couple to spend it as they wish. It's weird to splash the cash on one of them and have some kind of objection to how it gets spent. Keep out of it, in my opinion, and don't send any more messages. Unless you really do want to f up your relationship with your DIL.

No, you've misunderstood me.

As I said, it wasn't just the one event or the gifts. There were many other things which bothered both DH and I that often left us both feeling that I'd been deliberately excluded or slighted. The exclusive gift was just one example of something that did contribute towards me feeling excluded given the context of the relationship at the time.

Well I’m glad you see my point. Just curious how would it seem different to you? For me it would be perceived different bc for some reasons moms of sons if they try to do something individually for just their son they are perceived as not cutting the apron strings or excluding the wife or not acknowledging that their son is part of another family unit. but if a mom does it for her daughter the husband if he used some of the money would be seen as not allowing his wife and mother to have their own relationship. or not allowing his wife to have a treat for herself. it would be framed as, "jeez let the mother have one night for herself."

Your problem is that you want to do something that you know would be hurtful to your DIL but for her not to feel hurt. I don’t think you’ll be able to change the situation without causing problems for your DH and/or yourself. You also don’t know if your DH wanted to share it with his wife. After all, she’s been holding the fort while he worked long hours. Personally I don’t think any adult needs a gift for that: he’s doing it for his family, as he should, not to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

My Mum gives me a couple of hundred every birthday, with a “maybe you can all go out for a meal or something”. I always spend it on myself 😅. She gives the same to DH on his birthday and he always spends it on the family. I think it’s the nature of the relationship.

Just remember for next time. Lesson learned. And start treating your son as the grown man, father and husband he is, not just your baby boy 🙄. It’s very infantilizing.

I’m glad you are doing this and not telling her the money wasn’t meant for her.

You gave your son a present - which means the money now belongs to him, and if he wants to split it he can.

Plus the fact a chilled out post spa day wife might be a much better present in his eyes than a widget for his car 🍸

This, I’m afraid.

They’re a partnership. Singling one of them out for a massive treat such as £600 could buy is just going to put a wedge between you and DIL, at a time when she’s probably the one feeling under appreciated by the world in general and in need of a treat.

It’s a gift that he wanted to share, and you have no idea what the plans are for the guys night, it could be a couple of beers it could be bigger plans

I don't understand your attitude at all. They are a family, nothing your son is doing is by or for himself at this stage in his life.

If I was your son I'd have split it with my partner.

You can’t give a gift and dictate how it is used. You told him it was just for him and he still chose to share it with his wife.
Just tell the DIL, “you’re welcome, as I told DS I really wanted to give him a gift to say how proud I am of him. It’s very kind of him to share the gift with you have a wonderful time at the spa”….. because it seems you do want her to know the gift was for just him. Or you can just reply to her “you’re welcome hope you have a lovely time at the spa”

The problem is that he’d be the biggest dick in the world to come home one day in £600’s worth of new designer gear while his wife is there, juggling baby and toddler in clothes that are covered in food/baby sick/grubby handprints and him to say “yeah, sorry, mum only wanted to treat me” .

You’ve raised a decent man so be proud of that.

That’ll be because the vast majority of the time it’s the dad who gives himself the break while the mum is doing the hard work with small children. Are you that surprised?

I really don’t think you need to make this into a sexist thing, just because your child is male. It’s very weird (and yes, I have a son).

I thought this women are often in lower paid jobs - so have less disposable income also i think mums tend to spend it on their children .

my advice stop tying yourself up in knots - you gave it to your Ds- that £600 or $600 has gone..

maybe your Ds wanted to share that feeling of giving.

I also think your calculations are weigh off .. I went on a spa day for £50 via groupon . He may be going on a stag doo . Decent catch up with mates . I bet he buys them a pint

You just say "you're welcome, I hope you enjoy it!". And be thankful that, however unintentionally, your gesture has been benefitted both your son and DIL. And just learn from this that next time you may want to buy your son a physical item or gift voucher if you want it to be exclusively for him.

I think you’re being massively unreasonable and also intrusive. Once you’d given the money it is up to them how they use it. If I were your DH and you started quizzing me I’d be pretty upfront with you. Your tone comes across as peevish and possessive.

Well I’m glad you see my point. Just curious how would it seem different to you? For me it would be perceived different bc for some reasons moms of sons if they try to do something individually for just their son they are perceived as not cutting the apron strings or excluding the wife or not acknowledging that their son is part of another family unit. but if a mom does it for her daughter the husband if he used some of the money would be seen as not allowing his wife and mother to have their own relationship. or not allowing his wife to have a treat for herself. it would be framed as, "jeez let the mother have one night for herself."

Typically mums to young children have less time, less disposable cash, and less opportunity to do what they want than new dads. There's a thread on her about a man going on a golfing holiday leaving his wife with their three week old baby, and his parents with their toddler. I have never heard of a woman doing similar. Ditto all the golf/football/cycling family avoidance activities which men throw money at.

Maybe be happy your son seems to like and value his wife, and try not to mess that up. Try not seeing them as in competition with each other.

You're absolutely right! She keeps asking how to respond to her DIL even though numerous posters have told her just to say 'You're very welcome', which she is ignoring. It's as though she wants her DIL to know that none of the money was meant for her.

Giving a cash gift doesn’t mean you get to say what the recipient spends it on.

You could have ‘done something’ for your son alone by doing something. You could have bought him a gift. You didn’t, you gave him a cheque.