AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

I'd let this one ride but buy something specific for your son next time, rather than cash.

I completely disagree with the notion that he can't share the money with his wife but if you want to go down that road and pick a fight I would reply deliberately misunderstanding and say that you'll be happy to watch the grandchildren when they both go to the spa, therefore opening the conversation of how you thought your son would be going as it was his gift.

I’m a mum of sons. I spend equal amounts on them and their partners. You can’t treat your son as someone single @BySassyUmberPeer . He’s married, you gave him some money, you can’t tell him how to spend it.

This sounds perfect, thanks!

For goodness sake , once you’re in a hole stop digging! Every post you make is making you sound more and more unreasonable ! The text from DIL does not imply in any way what you’re inferring ,

You’re also very out of touch, a spa day can be as little as £80. you’re clearly going to say what you want anyway. I’m fairly certain you’ll pay the price though 😁

He has a family of course he wouldn’t just spend it on himself unless of course he was a selfish waste of space.

You told him that the money was for him but he has chosen to share it with his wife. Surely you aren't going to respond to your DIL to tell her that the money wasn't meant for her?

As the mother to a 2 year old and a 6 month old your DIL is right in the trenches of motherhood. $600 to celebrate your son's fatherhood only seems a bit insensitive.

It’s really lovely that you have raised a man who wants to share his good fortune with his wife.

Maybe they have shared it equally because his 'beers with the lads' will end with coke and a strip show?

Maybe he's appreciative of his wife raising the baby and toddler and thought she deserved a spa day?
I don't see what the problem is? Surely you want them to be happy as a couple?

He clearly wanted to use it to treat his wife as well. If I was gifted 600 pounds there's no way I'd spend it all on myself. I'd likely end up using it for a family treat or booking a night away with my dh. If I was buying myself something id buy him something too because I'm not a single person anymore and anything I have is ours not mine.

Oh it's you again 😂 another from a MIL perspective. Kudos though, you've taken on board all of the comments from other threads, especially spelliing and incorporated them, although the interchangeable mum and mom was a slip up.

The moment you gave him the cheque it became his money to do with as he pleased. In this case, it was to share it with his wife so she also had something lovely.

Grit your teeth, take the credit. It's better than saying 'well, actually, I didn't want any of it to go on you, so you'll need to pay him back'.

I get where you’re coming from! I’d just leave it now as you’ll
jisg cause upset / drama etc if you bring it up! Don’t dil back about it just say your welcome enjoy

In future if you want to treat him - like others have said - ask him what he wants and buy it for him - don’t give the cash!!

at my birthday each year my mam gives me cash and says it’s for you for a treat - don’t spent it on bills etc - which is lovely - but tbh we are in debt and I’m always tempted to just spend it on that rather than myself

I’ve asked this year for a voucher for a massage at a place I like so I won’t battle with myself over the money

It looks like it's dollars, but it's still a lot of money.

@BySassyUmberPeer if you don't want to cause trouble and fall out with your son you reply 'you're welcome, you both deserve a treat'.

And his night out could easily cost as much if not more than her spa day so she's not creaming it all off for herself and leaving him with a few pints.

Honestly OP - you've had lots of thoughtful nuanced responses about why your son might have decided to share this with his wife. Yet you've batted them all away, repeating "my son" "my gift" and 'my rules" it seems.

Most of us work very hard to include our children's partners in our lives yet it seems you're quite happy to potentially sabotage your relationship with your DIL in pursuit of your preferences for how your adult son should deal with this money.

Also I can’t help but feel she thanked me as a, “hey your son used the money towards me as well and don’t forget me” kind of way

The poor DIL. Sending a lovely thank you text and having someone twist it like this. For your own sanity OP, just take everything at face value. Don't spend time and energy assuming the worst of everyone.

DH father has given gifts like this several times. With the stipulation that he spends it only on himself.

DH has never once spent it on himself because he doesn't want to. I've never had any influence on his spending it and have always actively encouraged him to spend it on himself however as far DH he sees it, we are a team and he wants to treat both of us.

One occasion he used it to book a trip for just the two of us, another time he used some of it to book me into a spa day with a friend and then the rest he bought himself an item, another occasion he used it on a spa day and dinner for us both.

What you want and what your DS wants are two different things. And really you shouldn't give gifts with rules and stipulations. Perhaps he knows more about their circumstances and feels his wife works hard and deserves a treat also?

I would absolutely agree with this.
I'm also perplexed as to why the OP is making this a division between the sexes thing.