AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

OP- do not ruin you lovely relationship with your DIL over this. I beg you.

I’m struggling to see how anybody can be as stupid as you are being over this.

Is this the same OP that posts quite a lot about how upset she is that her son likes his wife to be included?

Whether you are or not OP, the end of the day it sounds like your son has decided that he wants to share everything with his wife. He wants her to be included in everything he does.

You are not unreasonable for only wanting to give your son presents or invite him out only or whatever, but he has made his decision that he wants to share with his wife. You would be unreasonable to demand he doesn't in any sense, as such there's not much you can do.

And it really does sound like you have a problem with his wife. It's not that deep and shouldn't be bothering you so much that he chooses to share with her and be a unit with her. The fact that it bothers you so much is weird. You're not entitled to what you seem to think you are. He's made his choice.

Much as you might like to, I wouldn't. Give them both a smaller gift, one each, or you will just create division.

I don’t think saying that you expected a £600 gift for him to be spent on more than a night out would upset your daughter in law. I think that’s such a waste of so much money, but maybe that amount of money is a lot more to me than to others. I would just say something like “oh that’s a shame is that all you’re going to do with it?”

Unclear why you feel sad you haven't raised a complete arsehole tbh.

Because that opens his wife or him to criticism - why didn’t you say no, why does she feel she gets it etc
People don’t usually like admitting they’re in an unbalanced relationship.

I think that ship had sailed... DS will have absolutely told his wife by now.

Two relationships tanked in one conversation, very efficient.

That's what I thought. This doesn't sound real at all

Look, this sounds fake now. No one talks like this.
If this is actually real, then please just drop it and respect your son's wishes.
If someone gave me £600 to spend on only me, I really wouldn't have a clue what to buy. I have absolutely everything I need, I don't want designer bags or shoes. I'd most definitely split it with DH or spend it on a family treat.
In fact, work paid me a £200 bonus in the summer, in the form of vouchers I can spend at nearly every shop/restaurant/attraction. I still haven't spent it because there's nothing I want of that value. Will probably spend it on a day out for the family.
Sharing some extra money with my DH and children gives me a lot more pleasure than spending it on myself, being forced to buy something I don't want or need. I'm sure your son feels the same.

"Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves."

oh really? not sure that's true

I think you put him in an awkward position, without meaning to. What is he supposed to do? Come home and say, ‘Hey honey my mom gave me $600 but it’s just for me, soz’. How’s that going to go down exactly? They’re a married couple. And maybe you could reframe this as your son not being a selfish prat who loves and values his wife’s hard work as well, and wanted to use the money you gave him to treat her?

You’re being ridiculous. Any money they have is joint money, surely you know that and it sounds like they deal with money together quite fairly?

My DH always gets money from his mum (he’s the baby of the family and is somewhat treated like so still at age 37 by being given money here and there) I don’t expect it but usually DH will give me half or we’ll put it into joint savings etc. I wouldn’t book a spa with it though tbf as usually we really need it but I would just politely say thanks to MIL without saying what I’ve used it for.

Would you rather he was selfish?

A spa break for both of them sounds perfect.

YABVU

To be honest I would be more worried OP that you've raised a son that talks like an AI chat bot than anything else

🤣🤣

As if MILs don't have a bad enough reputation on MN, along comes an actual MIL trying her hardest to prove why.

I am a MIL. and am shocked at this OP and the ongoing refusal to accept what the majority of people are saying on here.

Unwatching. Too frustrating. Overwhelming one sided response and OP still harping on. Dear lord!

Great post. It sounds like OP would only be happy to if her son spent the money in a way that couldn't possibly benefit her DIL. Therefore, a meal out or weekend away for her son and her DIL wouldn't be appropriate either. A boy's holiday, where DIL is left on her own to do all the parenting would be the best outcome for OP.

Despite all her protestations about how sweet her DIL is, it sounds like this 'gift' was an opportunity to put her DIL in her place.

Mmm there’s a nice passive aggressive recipe for more conflict.

Honestly @BySassyUmberPeer you are either dumb, or really unpleasant. Either way, I think you’ve successfully fucked your relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids. Odd decision over such a little amount of money but each to their own.

Why do you want to point out that the gift wasn't meant for her? It will definitely hurt her feelings and will probably ruin your relationship, so why are you so hellbent on letting her know that you didn't want her to have any part of the gift?

You told your son that the gift was just for him to reward him and acknowledge her fatherhood, so he knows the sentiment behind the gift.

Your determination to upset a DIL that you profess to really like is baffling.

I’m pretty sure this thread is fake now
and it will soon be deleted. But I’ve found some of the comments interesting so thanks everyone!

Tbh it wouldn't bother me if my OH did that.

Why should he be flamed for spending what was given to him?

So my MIL used to do things like this all the time. The money was for my DH and she would question us constantly about what he spent it on, to the point he would have to send her photos to prove he was spending it on himself.
In reality he just used to send photos of a mates phone, or a pair of trainers she hadn't seen before. (She lives abroad).
Neither me or my DH have any contact with her anymore, she has nothing to do with our DC.
Obviously more to it, but generally her attitude was that my DH is "her son" and therefore I should understand that she wants to spoil him and only him. Even though I was expected to keep in contact, run around after her, send all the cards etc. She soon realised I wasn't that kind of woman and spent the next few years trying to interfere in our relationship, which backfired.