AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Imagine if someone came on here and said ‘DPs mother has given him £600 and he’s spent it entirely on himself - we have a child and are married’. The man would be flamed.

Are you saying he should or shouldn’t be flamed if that was the case? Can’t tell by your comment if you are in support of my stance or not?

This simply cannot be real. The Update post truly jumped the shark and I think now most posters can see this for what it is - a deliberate wind-up. It's sad because threads like these make people hesitant to take time out of their day to respond to others who may truly need support.

P.S. the constant asking of posters to explain their stance or delve deeper into their comments is rather odd as is the constant repetition in all the OPs posts. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was an AI bot training itself.

If I gave my dd a large sum of money as a gift to treat herself and she shared it with her dp I would respect that. If she shared it with her friends I would respect that. If she spent it all on herself I would respect that. Because I truly believe that gifts should not have strings attached.

If it was taken from her against her will from a partner or a friend I would be upset and I would try to help my dd get it back.

You say you dil is lovely. From your description and from your ds’s response to you, it doesn’t sound like dil took the money off him against his will. From what he told you he wanted to share the money with his wife. And if that makes him happy why try to sully that? Why can’t you respect his decision?

FWIW your son might be looking forward to enjoying his nice relaxed pampered wife coming home from her spa day 😉

Uh-huh.

That’s definitely how people speak.

Not.

By trying to control what your son does with the money you gave him (i.e. spend it all on himself) you could cause problems in his marriage and issues between you/your son (controlling) and issues between you/daughter in law (controlling and rejecting).

What is supposed to be a gift is being used to control. You are giving money to your son. Let him choose how to spend it. If there are strings attached then don't give it - it is too likely to cause problems. If you are not careful your son will return the money and tell you it's not worth it/he won't be controlled.

Myself and my husband are lucky to have been helped by both my parents and my inlaws over the years. Never have they tried to tell us how to spend their gift. Each of our birthdays are treated the same and if we are short of money and need to put our birthday money in the family pot we do. If I have a little money and I know what our family needs most is a pair of shoes for my husband then that's what it is spent on. All our needs are considered and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I couldn't enjoy wasting money on myself/treating myself if my family needed something (which could be a treat /a night out or a pair of shoes).

There's nothing at all unreasonable about wanting to gift your son the money. But it's too late - she is expecting what he promised her. If you take it away from her you will be blamed, she'll either be embarrassed at being caught out being grabby, or embarrassed because she made a genuine mistake or she'll be angry and resentful.

You can't do anything about it without sounding unkind - even if it's fair and logical the money was for him, that is not how they will see it. Just take it on board for future gifts.

If you normally treat them both you should have made it clear you weren't doing that this time.

It's a shame you felt the need to talk to your son about it. Anyway, what's done is done, hopefully he won't mention your conversation to his wife.

Exactly. Also, the OP says she sees the GC once a month, so I assume she's not helping her DIL in any way. Good for him, he's a good husband.

The response would be exactly the same, I think it’s blinkered and slightly narcissistic behaviour on your part to ring fence the money just for your son.
in any relationship it would be appalling behaviour to keep it to himself, can you imagine how that would feel to his partner!!
its lovely you appreciate your son and see how hard he works etc but there’s clearly an issue here with you not respecting that he’s a husband and a dad and not your child any more. I know it can seem difficult to move on but you really must try to or you’re at severe risk of some issues in your relationship with both your son and DIL in the future.
how do you respond to DIL message now? You say ‘so happy to be able to treat you both, you both work so hard raising your family, enjoy!!’

I disagree with those posters who say it depends on how DIL got the money. I disagree that it's bad even if the DIL DID ask her husband for a bit of a share. They are married and I assume all money is shared anyhow. Plus they are partners in everything they do and while the husband works hard I am so the mother of his child works just as hard in the raising of their child whether that be inside the home caring for them day in and day out as a stay at home mom or outside the home working. I see absolutely nothing wrong in saying, "hey honey I feel under appreciated that your mom only recognized your hard work and your part in this while completely ignoring and overlooking what I do as our child's mother."

I am also not understanding people telling the OP to pull the son aside and ask how the conversation went down between the son and DIL about how the money was given to her and to try to dissect exactly how the conversation went down and how it came to be that the DIL got the money. The inner happenings and conversation in their marriage is zero percent MIL's business and to pull her son aside and try to figure it out is sneaky at best and conniving and putting her nose where it doesn't belong. The point is it shouldn't be and doesn't matter at all how DIL got the money the point is she should be appreciated as well as women always get overlooked while men get pats on the back for the bare minimum. I also find it odd that some posters are hinting that the DIL could have 'manipulated' her husband for the money. I find the word manipulate an interesting choice of words in this context because I would hardly say that expecting your own husband not to hoard a good sum of money while doing something for himself because fathers deserve a reward while simultaneously keeping it all from his wife because as the mother she doesn't deserve a reward a very odd take. So yes if my husband got a large sum of cash from his mother and said sorry honey all for me none for you despite that we are a team in the raising of our child I would look at him in a whole new light and it wouldn't be a favorable one.

Yeah do this… if you want to look absolutely batshit.

Op find another £600, call your son and tell him to come alone. Give him the cash and tell him to spend on himself. And stand over him until he does
I don't think him buying something for his car cuts it. I mean the wife and kids will ride that car and benefit

Not read the full thread but what I have read has irritated me so much , is this some AI bollox ?

That's what I was thinking.

🙄 that post from the son is a shark jump par excellence

You know why people think you are, right?
Becausr no one could be so insensitive in real life.

You really sound like quite a horrible person! It's like you're trying to buy the love of your son and don't care at all about his own family.

I am so proud of your son for standing up for his family unit. Me and my partner are expecting our first baby very soon and I feel so lucky that he treats me exactly as an equal despite me going on mat leave and then will be returning part time. Money is a very open topic in this house and we share everything. His parents have been absolutely amazing in treating us both equally and being involved with both of us.

If I am lucky enough to have a son one day, I hope he grows up to be a lovely caring adult like your son is.

Yabu. They a unit. Sounds like you done a good job as your husband has shared the money with his wife. Your dil sounds lovely and I'm need of her spa break.