AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

When our DC were younger and I was a SAHP DH had got promoted/was working crazy hours. My parents gave us £500 and told us to book a well deserved weekend away and they would keep the DC’s.
They appreciated both our contributions and we truly appreciated the treat as money was tighter and we always prioritised a family holiday over time away on our own,

Surly you can see that any attempts to ‘let DIL know’ etc will most definitely reflect badly on you @BySassyUmberPeer.

Also you seem to think your DIL has got the bigger share… a guys night to DH is steak dinner, nice wine and a few single malts £££.

Well, I don't know what @MNHQ will opine, but the OP has made it to the hall of Reddit MN Trolls fame.

I wouldn't say anything you gifted your son as you love him and feel he is working hard. He shared the gift with his partner who he also loves and feels is working hard whether being a parent full time or in a job it was his choice. Lovely gesture of you if he had of wanted to keep it to himself he wouldn't have said anything to her

Personally I would have made it more obvious - chosen a card that has a design specific to him/his interests and written a long message inside about how proud you are of him and what a wonderful father he is, and included the cheque. Lovely for him to look back on long after the money had gone, and worth more to him.

The umbilical cord was cut decades ago, he is no longer just yours. He is also now husband, father and friend.

You said you said you told him it was for him and HE decided to share it with his wife. What don't you get, that you don't get to dictate what, how, when or why in your son's life? That you aren't his whole world anymore?

This really seems like a lot of drama about nothing. Your son is a grown up and you have to trust that if he really wanted to make a £600 purchase for himself he would’ve done that. If he’s chosen to split the money this way presumably that’s what he wants as nothing you’ve said suggests his wife is controlling/abusive.
I think you need to just get over it and move on, you don’t get to control what he does with the money once you’ve given it to him.

"That’s what I did. However according to a lot of posters here my DIL could be hurt and offended and our relationship could take a hit if I put too much emphasis on its JUST for you."

Mostly people have told you that you should just leave it alone now and be happy for your son and DIL.

What are you going to do OP?

Good idea - tell him it was meant just for him and then watch your good relationship with your DIL get ruined 🙄

Just leave well enough alone already op, Jesus. You've made a couple dozen posts about it already, it's not super important, and just going to cause trouble.

Absolutely this. And by insisting he spend any money on something just for him and not something to benefit the family or his wife too, you could end up driving a wedge between them. Causing an argument with his wife is not really the ideal gift. Leave him to spend it in a way that makes him happy. His time away with friends will be all the more enjoyable knowing that he can do it guilt free as his DW has a trip with friends too.

Mothers are absolutely NOT always encouraged to treat themselves - they usually put their DCs first and themselves last behind their husband, kids, work and pets! I’m sure she deserves a treat too, and it’s a good sign that your DS wants to acknowledge this.

What do you understand about it? It seems like everyone on here is harping on about how men just acknowledging my son’s hard work as a father is diminishing or not appreciating my DIL’s hard work as a mother. Am I doing that?

Your gift was generous, your insistence that your son use it solely on himself is beginning to look more and more bizarre. Why does it bother you so much that he wants to share? You are ignoring every post asking this.

How do you know your DIL booked a spa day? Maybe your DS bought it for her and she didn’t know until it was done. Maybe she’s squirming about it and wanted to make sure you knew in advance and not after. Maybe the night out your son is going on is something super expensive ‘guys night’ doesn’t automatically mean a few beers in the local.

You seem to be acting like DIL has ‘taken‘ half the money or more and left your son enough for ‘a few beers’ when in reality you have no idea how this has come about.

You honestly need to leave it. Text back “That sounds lovely xx” and let it go.

Once a gift leaves your hands you have no control of it or say over it, otherwise it was never a gift.

When you give someone money as a gift, you cannot dictate how they use it.

You're controlling.

Your OP says "she's a great mum to my GC" well actually she is a great mum to her OWN children who also happen to be your GC, you are not first in this equation.

I can understand your pov but I think you've failed to consider that for many men, they are happy when their wives are happy. If they are in a good relationship your son will absolutely want to make her happy and if that's a spa visit that's hardly unreasonable. A happy and relaxed wife sets the atmosphere at home and children are often more content and calm as well, and the father gets to come back to a happy home, and maybe that's what he wants this gift for.

Your gift is very generous and with all the right intentions but I honestly wouldn't speak to him about it, you'll make it unpleasant for everyone.

OP I believe completely that you love and value your DIL. You should do - she’s clearly fab to you and you are really lucky to have a grandchild whose parents genuinely want you to be close and to spend time with you.

Given that I think you really have to ask yourself what message you thought you were sending here when you gave your son £600 and told him specifically that you wanted him to spend this large sum on himself only, for fun or treat. To specifically find something to buy or to do that only benefited him.

He’s a father with a toddler and a baby at home. It’s actually quite physically difficult to use that money in any way which doesn’t make the fact that you requested to single him out, to make a real point that you wanted to state to him that you still see him as a separate entity - pretty awkwardly clear. I would imagine that apart from feeling quite awkward, he would also have felt keen perhaps not to embarrass you by having to say to his wife that you’d chosen to make a point of putting that restriction on your gift. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t know that you’d said that to him - I imagine you wouldn’t have had that text if she did know. She’d either be upset, feel weird or feel awkward, she wouldn’t be gushing to you about it.

You banging on about ‘why can’t I treat my son for once, why would that mean I hate my dil’ is disingenuous- if you’d given your son a lovely bottle of whisky, or bought him tickets to a game or something that would be fine.

For whatever reason, you wanted to make a statement here - to him? To yourself? - that you still see yourself as a primary relationship person with just him as himself not within his fanily. I think he’s sent the message straight back that he won’t stand for that. £600 isn’t a new jumper or a bottle of whisky. He’s refusing to accept being treated like a single young adult by you, as your son - he’s rebuffed this very clearly. Gifts at that level now come from your family to his, and that’s how it should be.

I think you have been very silly here - I wouldn’t say anything, you’ve absolutely no right to query how he has spent it anyway.

When you give a gift you don’t keep control over how it is used. Be proud of your generous, caring son and the amazing husband he has become.

You should have been honest from the start and told your son you wanted to do something for him, to show you are proud of him ect, I would not say anything now it will be resentment and hurt your son and daughter in law

A very astute post.

They're a family unit - your son going off on a boys holiday or buying a £600 coat or something with this bonus cash without anything for the wife and kids would be wrong! Also agree with PP that if he's going out for a nice dinner, wine, event with his friends that could easily set him back a few hundred pounds. Maybe he's divvied it up £200 for him and his wife each and £100 each for the kids savings. Surely you don't begrudge them it. He's an adult with a say over how he spends his money.

Also, he probably went home and told his wife you'd given him £600 and she asks why? He's like 'just because, she's proud and says we're good parents, wants us to treat ourselves.' He will have forgotten any mention of 'just for you'. Like if he'd won £600 on a scratch card he'd share it not say 'it's all mine because it was my pound'.

OP I have read most of the thread and you are coming across really badly. You're risking serious damage to your relationship with both your DIL and son and you need to back off. You've given him a very generous gift that he has chosen to share with his wife who he clearly loves. You need to accept that and move on. If you're going to be so bitter about it perhaps you shouldn't bother next time.

Going back and forth about what to text and how it'd be different if he was your daughter is not going to help the situation. What has happened has happened and anything other than a "you're welcome" text is going to come across as passive aggressive. Seriously, move on.

You're lucky you get on well with her. If she could see this thread she'd run a mile! Preserve your relationship by not showing her your true (bitter) colours.

I did do that