AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

I totally understand your POV but in the interest of family harmony I wouldn't say anything. It's done now. Next time buy him a personal gift.

Do you think she has manipulated him into giving her the money? If my parents give me some money it goes into the family pot. They are generous like that and it normally goes on nice food or a meal out. Sorry but it feels like there is a deeper issue with the DIL here.

Also maybe she got a good deal on a spa day or she had other money or vouchers. A night out can be expensive. It might not have cost as much as you think.

I hope you replied “you’re welcome”. I wouldn’t say anything else. Buy him something for him another time.

I would find it really bizarre if my FIL gave my husband a significant sum of money and explicitly said "this is for you only, don't share it with LoquaciousPineapple".

A smaller amount (say $50) might have been reasonable to say "treat yourself to a few pints on me to relax", but $600 is way too much for a spouse to keep all to themselves.

I’ve re-read your OP and I do think you think she muscled in on it or persuaded him to give her some. I think if she did that she wouldn’t have texted because it doesn’t add up with her aggressive approach. I think this was your son’s choice.

While I kind of get what you are thinking others are right that if you give someone money to treat themselves they may well want to share with their partner and there is no nice way of suggesting you don’t want them to. My mum recently sent me £100 “just because” to have a night out. I’ll most likely have a night out with my OH and we will say thank you. If she wanted to do something just for me I’d expect her to do something like invite me to join her for dinner and a movie or a spa day or similar and it would be as much about spending the time 1:1 as about money. My OH would have no issues with her doing that and I’d think nothing of his parents having an evening out with just him but I think both of us would be hurt if the other’s parents gave us cash and then insisted it wasn’t to be shared with their daughter/son in law.

The only possible response at this point is to reply “You’re welcome! The plans sound lovely, enjoy!” Or something along those lines. Then let it go.

Next time, if you want your son to enjoy a gift on his own then buy him a specific gift or activity day or something like that. If you give money to a married couple then it’s natural that they may choose to split it between them.

I’m interested - you’re struggling with the response, so what do you want to say? “That’s nice DIL but it wasn’t actually meant for you”. I’d be so embarrassed if I was the DIL because I’d think your opinion of me was that I was greedy. I think it would make me step back from the relationship, and my DH would be seeing you on his own. Chalk it up to experience. Unless you really think she demanded it, I imagine he wanted to share it. Also when my kids were little, the only thing we wanted was leisure time, not stuff really. Just time to be ourselves.

I would be proud of having a kind thoughtful son that thought of his wife to. Brining this up could completely ruin the gesture. How would you have felt if your mother in law has said that to your husband?

Things to do with £600 in a 'marriage' where you don't love sharing:

1. Place a bet. The US election results are a good prospect but there's always sports.
2. Book a really high class metropolitan dominatrix for a couple of hours.
3. It won't go far with men's jewellery or tailoring if you want something special, so get a new pair of truly excellent shoes, and perhaps a posh umbrella.
4. Hide it. You might need it.
5. Cry, have it framed by professional picture framers, hang it in your office and NOT at home, and remember how much you are loved.

Why wouldn’t you be able to bite your tongue? Everyone else says to let it go bc it could affect my relationship with my DIL and cause long term consequences. Also that she is working just as hard at my son and shouldn’t be left out.

my mindset is doing something for my own child doesn’t automatically equate to excluding my DIL just simply doing something for my own son. Acknowledging his hard word doesn’t negate or mean I don’t see that my DIL is working hard.

If this does hurt my DIL’s feelings and takes a hit on our relationship how should I mend it?

Yes - also when I was younger and broke I used to hate being given gifts of money with a big fuss about how I had to use it on a "treat", not bills, and wanting to see evidence of said "treat" etc, when it would have been far more relaxing and pleasurable to just get a Mars Bar and see my car MOTed or groceries covered!

That’s what I did. However according to a lot of posters here my DIL could be hurt and offended and our relationship could take a hit if I put too much emphasis on its JUST for you.

OP, your 'own son' is also someone's 'own husband' and one flesh with them.

This is creepy. Is he the Prince of Denmark or the King of Thebes?

For better or worse, richer or poorer sort of implies spouses taking joy in treating each other!

I think the horse has already bolted on this one and for you to try and correct it at this stage will create more problems than simple clarification on your original intent.

If you say anything, you risk alienating your DIL and its really not worth it. She is presumably the one that has been looking after the kids and maintaining the home whilst he has been working the long hours - is she not to be commended too? You risk causing offence rather than how she now feels appreciated from the sounds of it.

You either didn't make it clear to your son that it was intended for him alone, or if you did, his decision was to share the joy with his wife and you should respect that. By all means tell him privately how proud you are of how he has stepped up but otherwise tread very carefully as you could end up spoiling what sounds like a good relationship with your DIL and you have the most to lose by doing that.

OP it’s amazing how you still aren’t getting it. You don’t have any power over this situation. You can’t dictate what he does with the money.

It will look simply ridiculous if you say anything more to them about it. They will probably cringe or roll their eyes. You don’t have any power to tell your son how to spend his money.

I’d always want share a treat with my DH and kids, as would he, it wouldn’t occur to me to spend it all on myself. It’s a good thing to share, he’s seems like a kind man and good husband. They will both enjoy a treat, and hopefully will benefit from each other being recharged and happy.

Like others have said, it’s really rather hard work looking after small children, especially if your partner isn’t there during the day and comes home tired. ‘A happy wife is a happy life’ and ditto husbands.

I really don't believe anyone can be this dim.

I hope DIL is on here and making good use of reading the Stately Homes thread.

Honestly if I was in your DIL’s situation and she kicked up a fuss I’d be upset because it looks like you think she has been greedy and denied him a gift. I’d be upset to be thought of as greedy. Can you see that it might be interpreted like that? Why don’t you want her to have a bit if that’s what your son wanted? It would make me retreat and be careful around you.

I also now think this is an AI thread as the op isn't responding to direct quotations, only the responses positive to its own specific question and learning relevant to that course of action.

I don’t think you should make an issue out of this. The money was given to your son to use as he chose and he chose to share. Message your dil telling her she’s very welcome and hope she enjoys her spa day. No point in falling out over this.

I don’t think if you give money as a gift it should be with strings attached.
Your son loves his wife and wanted to share it and that seems a reasonable thing to do. It’s likely they share their finances so of course he will tell her about it. He hasn’t told his wife the gift was only for him as that makes you look like you don’t like your DIL, which I think you do. Your son has been quite thoughtful here to both you and his wife as he doesn’t want to upset his wife or make you look unkind to her. Your DIL has texted nicely to thank you for the gift, she has no idea you stipulated it wasn’t for her. Respond to say she is welcome and you are happy they both found a way to treat themselves.

One would hope

I also might feel like you were making a point that he’s your son and I’ll always be more important that you (DIL). I’m not really sure how to articulate it but like you were staking out your territory in a way. I don’t know you, just trying to put myself in your DIL/DS’s shoes.