AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

@BySassyUmberPeer

Hideous attitude.

So your son works hard does he? I wonder how he manages to go to work everyday, further his career etc Has it anything to do with having a wife at home more than him? Caring for the dc, running the home etc

Good on your ds for totally ignoring your somewhat passive aggressive gift and sharing it with his wife.

I'd really get over it at this point. It's totally graceless to point out to someone who has inadvertently received a gift from you that you didn't intend to give them a gift but they only received it because someone else wanted them to have it. It's essentially like saying "well if I'd had my way you wouldn't have got anything". And I honestly don't know why you'd do that to your DIL. Just say "have a great time" and then make a mental note to organise your gift giving differently next time!

I wonder how that conversation would go OP:
DIL - What's that you've got there?
Son - oh it's a cheque from my mum
Dil - oh wow, that's nice. How much?
Son- ummm... 600 quid
DIL - 600 quid! Wow that's really generous. I must thank her
Son - errr.. well the thing is, she said it's just for me. To treat myself. She's really proud of me since you know, you gave birth and ummmm how hard I have been working
DIL: ok.....
Son: I mean she loves you too, and the kids. Of course she does! But yes, this money is just for me. To treat myself. Because she's proud of me. I work hard..... I mean I know you haven't slept in 6 months and you're running around after a toddler all day too, but this money is just for me. I think I might buy a new phone, or a smart watch or go to Barcelona for the weekend...

Or maybe OP, your son could lie about the amount of just hide it from her?

This. He sounds lovely.

I really think you're being ridiculous. When money is tight, I'd feel much better about splitting money so we could both have something nice than if my partner got nothing while I spent a small fortune on myself. Your son sounds like a good partner. Don't you want him to be? And have you seen the cost of a night out these days? It could easily match the cost of a spa day I think.

If my mum gave me some money to spend on myself I absolutely would treat me and my DH to something like a spa day together. That would be a treat for me with 2 young children and a DH who is always at work. He's the person I do want to do things with.

If my mum then tried to tell me that what I did with the money was wrong I would be annoyed because surely I should be able to choose myself?

He's obviously a loving husband if he chose to share it with his wife instead of keeping it all to himself.

I don't understand your way of thinking really.

Why can't you find it in yourself to offer a non barbed response?

I'm so glad you both enjoyed the gift 😍

Just text smth along the lines of "I am glad to hear you both liked my gift,etc etc" .

I can see a situation where your son told his wife "Mom gave me $600 cheque as a gift given I have been working so hard lately". To which your DIL responded ,"what about me raising 2 under 2 s? It should have been a joint present. I will send a thank you message to your Mom to drive this message home".

If you really don't want to hurt her feelings and like her then just stay out of it now. You say you think she is lovely but at the same time you seem really hostile to her.

You gave your son money. To do with it what makes him happy. It made him happy to treat his wife. What would you rather him do? Take that windfall money and spend in on some trivial shite for himself. Or take that windfall and think amazing, I can pass that on and treat the pair of us.

Do not say a word.

Whilst it was nice of you to give a gift to your son I think the fact it was cash and a gift for working hard and being a good parent means it was really open for sharing as a couple and I would be really offended if my in laws gave my husband money for that reason but not me. Obviously family are allowed to give gifts to their own kids that’s not the issue but it’s a bit of a slight to give for that reason and say the other half isn’t allowed any as if they are not a good parent/working hard.
If my family gave me some money I would probably spend it on something for the family or a dinner/ night away for my husband and I depending on how much etc, however if I had specifically said I wanted something but couldn’t afford it or had other priorities etc and my parents gave me the money for that thing (e.g a new coat or something specific) then I would obviously use the money for that if they gave money rather than buying the thing itself (which my mum would prob just buy me the thing I wanted).

I think next time if you want only your son to benefit then you need to buy the things itself e.g if he mentions he needs new equipment for a sport he does/ wants to go to a gig etc or if you’re out shopping etc and he sees some bits he likes then get them. Perhaps take him out and treat him to lunch or something or buy him something personal you know he likes e.g “I was popping past the old fashioned sweet shop and saw they had your favourites from when you were younger and had to get you them.” Or if you know he does/ likes a certain activity perhaps you could offer to pay for some sessions (gym membership/ sport or activity he likes) that way he gets the benefit.

My son doesn't have children yet but if he did and I gave him a gift "just for him" I think he'd assume it was for him and his other half to have fun rather than for the children. Wouldn't begrudge either of them anything. If I gave him £200 for eg and said spend it on yourself I'd assume he'd go somewhere with her and they'd both enjoy themselves.

I think your view is a bit odd OP.

You did give a gift that was just for your son. He then chose to share it. The two are not contradictory at all.
You could have given each of them £300 but you didn't, you gave your son £600.
I think you're annoyed because DIL is showing her power by thanking you for a gift that wasn't for her. It should have been your son who thanked you and she should have thanked him as her spa day came from him and not from you. It does seem a bit passive aggressive of her.

But anyway you can't control what he does with his gift and I don't think you should say anything further. Just say that you hope they enjoy their treats. For goodness don't get into snippy texts saying glad he shared it with you.

She holds all the power here and you won't win. He will side with her, as he should.

I wouldn't necessarily even tell my partner about gifts from my parents but that's because they get saved . If I was spending a £600 gift on myself I would feel very strange not to share it with my partner and maybe there wasn't anything expensive he wanted.

That's all presuming you don't think she's financially controlling him, which would change things

If my MIL gave my husband $600, he would share it and treat US regardless of his mother saying it’s just for him… because he would want too. As his wife and his family, he would also tell me the full conversation.

if I found out she also told him it was just for him because he works hard (regardless of me also working hard looking after 2 young kids) I wouldn’t be impressed. I’d distance myself and I wouldn’t be spending any 1:1 time with her.

You may not like it but the wife holds the power.

Who knows? Despite it being pointed out repeatedly that the son made the choice of what to do with the gifted money and that they have no control over that it still is not getting through.

Your daughter in law is not only looking after two very young children by herself while your son goes out to work, but she has to host you every week as well as anytime you decide to come round for tea, why wouldn't you want her to be recognised for the very hard and thankless job she is doing 24 hours a day? Bizarre. Also, when most married couples get any kind of money, they either use it to pay off bills, split it between them, or use it as a family, I don't know anyone who is selfish enough to hide it and use it only on themselves. Again, bizarre.

I can’t believe this is real. If you don’t want to hurt your DIL’s feelings, then leave well alone. Are you one of those suffocating mothers who fawn over their son even though he's a fully grown man? It all feels slightly territorial. He was mine before he was yours kind of thing. Be thankful that he’s grown up to be a kind loving husband who knows how to treat his wife and not someone who’s selfish or willing to hide a gift from her.

OP I think you should send a text to your DIL. Tell her you're sorry that there's been a misunderstanding, the gift was only for your son, not for her to have any of it. It would be a nice touch if you added that you were looking forward to seeing them all next weekend.

Then wait for one of two things. Either your son rings and your phone bounces so hard it falls off the table, or he'll be banging your door down. Whichever, he'll be asking what the fuck you're playing at. But I'm sure if you explain it again he'll come round to see it your way. If he doesn't, you might not see him, his wife or their children for a very long time. That's OK though, you'll be able to sleep soundly, warm in the knowledge that you made your feelings clear.

tl;dr(1) - don't be so bloody petty
tl;dr(2) - don't be THAT mil from hell. Though you seem to be trying very hard to be.

He chose to split it.

My mum and husband's parents have done similar, we chuckle about it and spend the money where WE want to spend it. Honestly you are being ridiculous. He could have squirreled the money away if he wanted, but he didn't because he clearly has a great marriage and and wanted to share it with the woman he loves.

If my mum insisted I spent a gift solely on myself I'd tell her to keep it. A gift is just that, the moment you start adding conditions removers the joy.. and it's about you and control.

Id tread carefully.

OP, it’s so funny you think you can control and dictate this. I’m sorry, you don’t have that power. “I said it was just for my son!!” And? And now you are lashing out because you’ve discovered you don’t have the power over your son’s actions that you think you should.

He’s not ten years old and you’re telling him
how to spend his birthday money. It’s normal for married people to share their money. In my marriage, all money is joint. The £600 would be shared, no matter what direction it came from. That’s their decision in their marriage. Why would your son try to hide that money from his wife, or suggest she doesn’t deserve any if it? That would make him a stingy and ungenerous husband. It seems that he loves her. They are a team.

I am guessing from your posts that you aren’t married yourself.

If my mum / dad gifted me some money outside of Christmas/birthday money then I'd do the same... I'd treat me and my husband to a night away, a spa day, a meal out etc.

I think your son sounds lovely.

Aren't you proud that you raised a son who isn't a selfish prick like so many these days?

You gave him the money and it's his now to do with it whatever he pleases.

All you need to text back is, That's lovely. I hope you'll both have a great time!

Go on - you've done 99% of the work to make two people happy. Do the other 1% and enjoy it.

If my mother gave me money and said it was just for me (which she totally would do, she feels like you that I’m her family in a way that my DH just isn’t, much as she likes him) I would thank her profusely.

Then I would tell DH that my DM had given us a lovely gift to treat ourselves. I wouldn’t even think of that as a white lie, because my DM had given it me to spend exactly how I like, to treat myself, and this is how I’d like to spend it, and that includes helping my husband feel properly included. And not feel like I’m doing him a gracious favour.

I believe you about adoring your DIL and I know that’s compatible with also feeling your DS is your main family not her. Please act on that pride in him you rightly feel by letting your DS navigate this exactly as he has already chosen to do. Questioning his choices or sending passive-aggressive texts to your DIL will nuke your relationship with both of them. And that relationship is worth far more to you than a $300 spa day.