AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Depending on their set up, she was possibly working harder at home doing extra with the kids to enable him to have extra time for his work project. She might need the spa day more than he needs it!

His money becomes joint money! I bet if a husband had helped himself to half of a gift his wife received from her parents the responses would have been predictably different!
In future give him a voucher for some activity only he likes to do or for something to do with a hobby.
I wonder if the wife helps herself to half of his Christmas and birthday presents too?

This. And next time, if you want to get a gift for just him, buy something that only he would use or like. Obviously he is going to share the cash with his wife. I would do the same with my DH.

I can guarantee if you mention this to your son he will 100% defend his decision to share your gift with his wife. In turn this will put a slur on your kind & well intended gesture. In this instance I would leave well alone. In the future if you decide to gift money gift it to the whole family.

I did specify it was for him only. Do you think if I put in the text that it was nice of him to share his gift that it could come across passive aggressive to DIL? Like I’m trying to in a subtle way point out the gift wasn’t for her? I really don’t wanna hurt her feelings

Buy your son socks next time.

You gave a lovely gift and he spent it as he wished which was to treat himself and his wife. I would guess they are both exhausted bringing up two little ones and it was very welcome to them both. Feel happy that you have contributed in such a lovely way to their family which you are clearly a part of. Don't go causing any division by mentioning you intended it only for your son.

I think this is all the info you need OP

Very passive aggressive and unnecessary.

It would come across as passive aggressive because it is. You want to say "IT WASN'T FOR YOU!" but 'don't want to hurt her feelings' so say it in a passive way.

Well then don't say anything!! Why do you need to? They're both happy. Leave it be.

Yes it would make you look like a twat.

@BySassyUmberPeer is this even real? Can anyone be as stupid as you?

If my mum gifted me some money for my birthday and it was just for me I’d still use it to do something for me and my partner? Regardless if it was meant ‘just for me’. Or I’d buy something for both of us, like new pots or pans or something 😂

Has your son messaged you personally to say thank you? Or did he just leave it up to the DIL

In response to "I did specify it was for him only. Do you think if I put in the text that it was nice of him to share his gift that it could come across passive aggressive to DIL? Like I’m trying to in a subtle way point out the gift wasn’t for her? I really don’t wanna hurt her feelings"

If you think it may come across in a way that you do not intend and that you may hurt your DILs feelings. Why bother? Just let it go.

If your DIL is normally lovely and you both get on well then I would assume her thank you text is just a thank you with no other hidden message.

It sounds likely that your son hasn't told his wife that it was supposed to just be for him so it's a bin unfair to criticise her about it, for all you know she thinks it's just a joint gift.

I do think it's absolutely fine for you to gift him the money for himself ( and him spend it on himself) but maybe he chose to say it was a joint gift 🤷🏻‍♀️ there's not much you can be annoyed at her for if that's the case.

It's f you've got a good relationship with DIL could you reply something along the lines of "you're welcome, a spa sounds lovely. Doesn't XX want to spend it on doing something special too? I was hoping he would use it to treat himself"

'Ah dil, ds has shared his gift with you. How lovely. Hope you both enjoy it!'

Just give it a rest ! You are like a dog with a bone.

You DID tell him this cash gift WAS FOR HIM

he either wasn't actually listening to you
or HE CHOSE to share it with his wife

gifts shouldn't come with conditions.

MOVE ON

as it's quite clear whislt she is ' super sweet ' you don't actually like her
and you don't like her sending you a thank you text

if YOUR SON can't be bothered to thank you himself and lets his wife send a text

doesn't that say a lot...

This. Apologies, I meant you are correct OP. It would come across as passive aggressive if you stated you were pleased your son 'shared' the gift of money.

He’s worked very hard but then so has she. He wants to spend some of his cash on her, he wants her to have a break. Can’t see the problem.

Then why keep asking? You don’t want to hurt her feelings so don’t mention it. You cannot control what your son does with a gift, so let it go! If you want to control it to that extent, perhaps it’s time to address some other issues. To try and prevent him sharing it with her purely because it wasn’t your intention that she would use it is just bizarre.

Yes it would come across as PA. I wouldn't put that in the message

This really is not the message to send.

She’s thanked you. Why do you need to respond at all. Otherwise just send back
”Enjoy xxx”

You really are trying to make more out of this than necessary.

You say you have a great relationship with your DIL, but you are like a dog with a bone on this which makes me genuinely wonder whether you really do care about and like your DIL.

I don’t think the OP can be this stupid.