AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

This

That’s the key thing here. He chose to split it with his wife. Surely you need to respect that. It was his choice.

Go on, update us, have you replied telling her how awful she is? Can’t wait to know the response!

Reading your messages, it sounds like you're going to reply nicely, but next time buy something just for him. I'd recommend getting him a bigger gift on his birthday as then it is clearly for him.

Well, then, that's what he wanted to do. Why aren't you happy that he's done what he wanted (and that he's a kind man who values his wife)?

Out of interest what would you have preferred him to spend the money on?

Would a weekend away be ok?
Would an item for the home be ok?
Would it be ok putting it towards a holiday?

Or did you specifically want him to buy something that only he would like or want, irrespective of the family?

It didn’t come from my parents but I was recently gifted an extravagance from a very close relative. My husband never needed to know about it, it was meant for me. However, my husband is the single most important person in my life aside from the kids, he works every bit as hard as I do for our family and the thing that made me happiest about the whole situation was sharing it with him.

YABU.

What is going on inside your head woman? Give it a good wobble. I sincerely hope for your sake that your DIL never sees this thread because you can probably kiss goodbye to your cosy coffee sessions and friendly visits.

Be thankful your DS values his lovely partner and wants to share his good fortune with her. It's what being kind and thoughtful looks like.

Don’t say a thing please. She has a 2 years old and a six months old, you admit she is a great partner to your son and a great mum to your grand children, she was so polite and appreciative in her text. Assuming it was your son that wanted to share the money, you should be overjoyed that you raised a good man that values his wife and mother of his children and understand that giving her a break is far more important than “something for his car” or something.

I mean it sounds like your son really wanted to treat his wife - have you considered that this IS the thing that's made him happy?

If you say something to him I imagine his response will be that this is what he wanted to do with the money - make both him and his wife happy. If you insist that this wasn't your intention it really doesn't make you look good.

He hasn't misunderstood has he? You've said over and over that you told him it's just for him and he's chosen to share. Tbh I would be really proud of my son.

Saying anything is going to be a massive mistake on your part, and will take you down a bad path. Next time ask him what he wants and buy it for him, don't just hand over cash.

I presume part of the reason his career is going so well is because his wife supports him. She also deserves recognition and a break. Unless you bought him a specific gift/voucher I think they can spend d it how they like.

If you give anyone money it is their choice what they spend it on.
At home with a 2yo and a 6mo is truly in the trenches for a mum, she’s often breastfeeding, she’s been pregnant 18 of the approx last 33 months, the dads role is not the same. He might be a good dad but she is the one who grew and birthed your grandchildren and cares for them non stop, and it is kind of shitty to be all here is a huge present because you’re a wonderful dad when the mother of your grandchildren is doing everything for them all day long. Good on your son, my husband wasn’t amazing during the baby years but no question he’d have shared the money, and if my mil had just given him money for being a wonderful dad at a period where the woman is usually doing the lions share I’d have thought she can fuck right off. So I wouldn’t text your dil it wasn’t for her in a thousand years if you want her to visit at all in the next few years.

If you have a good relationship with your DIL this just seems like self sabotage honestly.

You gave the money solely to your son and you stated that it was for him only. He decided wanted his wife to use some of the money on herself for a spa. This was his decision. He choose what he wanted to with the money. He choose to share with his wife, whether or not it was meant for her, that was his choice. Why is that a problem? A grown adult made the choice for himself. This has nothing to do with your DIL. She thanked you. Im sure your son didnt tell her that the money is "supposed" to be all for himself and hes not allowed to share with his wife and children. Dont stir the pot or cause issues or friction. You seem to all have a good relationship. He clearly didnt want or need anything badly enough to spend it all on himself. If a mother gave her daughter money and she treated her husband - that shouldnt be a problem either.

So why are you annoyed with his choice? Why can you not respect it?

You raised a son who chose to share it with his wife. Why is that a bad thing?

Would you have been upset if he had decided to use the money to do something with the family or is it because he decided to share it with his wife?

In response to this: jf you have the words to help me explain that both can be true I can love and value my DIL but want to do just this one thing for my son and that I can also truly love and value my DIL and me being irritated that she used the money for a spa day doesn’t automatically mean I hate her or don’t like her.

Does it go something like this?
"While I love and value DIL, I wanted to do something that reaffirmed my distinct relationship with my son, who was my son before he was a husband, and sometimes I miss the connection we used to have, which is now secondary to the one he has with his wife, and honestly a little diluted by it"
?

If along the right lines... then the trouble with this gift was that it was intended to meet your need, more than his. He is enjoying the gift in a way that pleases him - it just doesn't achieve what you wanted.

Whether intended or not, that you framed the gift as a treat for all HIS hard work, when all his efforts are in the context of his new family unit, undermines his wife. It's comes across as divisive. They are a team, and actually I think that is the message they have both sent back to you. A time to single him out would be his birthday!

If any of the above resonates, maybe it's best to be honest at least with yourself about what you may be feeling and missing. Otherwise any attempts to discuss it, or future gifts, are likely to miss the mark again.
Mother/son dynamics are different to mother/daughter ones when it comes to the introduction of spouses. It's not a tension unique to you, and may be worth researching and reflecting on a bit more.

So that’s the end of it.

But can't you see that first him, his best is to share it equally with his wife?
My sons would all do the same.

Next time don't bother with huge gifts

In this case you definitely have no grounds to feel bad. He did what made him happy. You should be glad that you’ve made him happy in whatever way it takes. After all giving is better than receiving as they say. Do win win for your son - he gets to enjoy half and feel even more enjoyment from the half he gives to a loved one. It makes perfect sense that way. I initially thought you meant his wife had ‘demanded’ half without being offered. This is completely different.

This won’t go down well if you say anything OP. When I received my redundancy last year
it was my pleasure to pay off a lot of our debts and take us to Florida. When DH received an inheritance this year, he paid off some more debts and bought me an Apple Watch series 10 (plus himself a new iPhone)

What I’m saying is that when you’re a committed couple, it should give you pleasure to treat your loved one. It seems that this is what your son wants to do. It’s his money now anyway so nothing you can do 🤷‍♀️

I did tell him it was meant just for him yet he chose to split it with my DIL

So there is your answer @BySassyUmberPeer what is your problem? He didn't want your gift of cash just for himself, he chose to share it with his wife. Once the money is in his hand he can do what he likes with it you cannot dictate what he does with it once it has left your possession. If you don't like that don't give gifts. A gift, particularly of cash, is not a gift if it comes with conditions or strings attached, why are you failing to understand that?

But do please press the issue with him and give him all the reasons you have given here and please update us on his reaction.

Both my husband and I have at times been given money by our families and we just talked about how we wanted to spend it as a couple - never crossed our minds to keep it for ourselves.

I understand you wanted to treat your son, but just be happy that he is in an equal relationship where they share what they have and work as a team?

I wouldnt make a fuss it isnt worth it if you want to stay close to your DIL.

Aren’t they going together to the spa?

Then that is his choice, you don’t need to say anymore, I don’t understand why you are so upset when he obviously wants to treat his wife and mother of his child too…