AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

TBH, i don’t see anything wrong in giving your son something just for him. I give my daughter gifts regularly, and not her partner. Not because I don’t like him (they have a baby too), but just to treat her because being the mum of a baby is hard, and she’s my daughter, who I love.

A night out at the pub could EASILY cost as much as a spa day depending on what spa package OP's DIL gets. I know that when I've been to a spa I sometimes did packages that included a facial with a 1 and a half massage, sometimes I did just a facial, sometimes I did just a 90 minute massage, sometimes I did just a 60 minute massage. My point is depending on the spa package the cost can greatly vary and a night out at the pub can easily cost just as much as the spa again depending on how many beers OP's son has, I'm assuming they aren't going to starve so they will be ordering food, plus playing arcade games, plus ordering a possible taxi. This can all easily add up. Plus a night in the pub can often last even longer than a day at the spa. This sound about as fair and as even as you can get assuming OP's son arranged it so that each got about half of a treat in money and time.

I also find it ironic that the OP prattles on and on about just how sweet she finds her DIL and how great she is and how much she loves her but then in the same thread and breath is upset because her son is a loyal and appreciative husband who wants to show said DIL how much he loves and appreciates her by sharing the money. If she supposedly loves and values her DIL so much as a great wife and mother why wouldn't she want her to benefit from the gift as well? It's a very very very confusing contradiction to essentially want her son to hoard 600 pounds from the woman she supposedly values. Doesn't sound like love and value to me. If she is that put out about this situation when she loves and appreciates her DIL how would she feel and react and treat a DIL she doesn't like? I don't even want to imagine. OP's actions aren't aligning up with her words. If I was the DIL in this scenario and my MIL complained that my husband shared some of the 600 pounds he received with his wife and his partner in parenting our children I would definitely pull wayyyy back and having one on one teas with her and my children would be completely off the table and feeling like she loved me would be the furthest thing on my mind.

I am also not sure why OP would be upset that a married couple who presumably share everything financially would each get to decide how to do something for themselves especially when the purpose of the cheque as stated by OP herself is to reward her son for being a great father and working hard when the kids he works hard for are also her DIL's kids as well and who I am sure works just as hard as the money of those children. Let's say OP's son is working very hard at his job and OP is a stay at home mom she is busting her butt watching her 2 year old at home which is not an easy age at all while managing feedings, burps, sleeps, diapers (diapers most likely with both or potty training at least) all at the same time with no other help. This allows her son to have a full time job. Let's say the children are both in daycare and DIL is working full time that also means she is working just as hard. Marriage is a partnership and so is parenthood so that means while the son is working hard the DIL is working just as hard so if the son deserves a full night out with his boys why doesn't the DIL who doesn't get a break from motherhood deserve a day out at the spa?

Also your response of I can understand being upset that he gets a night out at the pub while she gets a spa day comes across as "bean counting." So maybe the spa costs 300 pounds and the lads night out costs 280 pounds is that really an issue. How do you suggest they work this so it is perfectly equal down the middle?

Finding something for both that is exactly 300 pounds? To suggest that the mother deserves less than the father highly suggests that a man's work is to be more appreciated and valued than a woman's work and that a man deserves a night out with the lads to wind down but the woman doesn't.

So in a nutshell it's very odd to be upset that your son is a decent and kind human being who (as he should!) didn't hoard all the money for himself and instead recognized that he isn't the only one who worked hard but his wife is an equal partner in this.

I have a DIL myself and if I gave my son a cash gift and I found out he didn't share with his wife the mother of their very young children and hoarded it all for himself I would give his head a wobble and be very disappointed and tell him I didn't raise him to be selfish and to not appreciate woman and all the hard work and sacrifices they make.

Next time you gift him clearly say “this is just for you as a gift from us just to say we are super proud of you!

But if he’s a family man which you’re really proud of, you cannot be upset that he’s spent free cash on his family?

I feel like women are always told to take time for themselves and men aren’t as much

What parallel universe do you live in where female parents have more time for themselves than male parents?

I don't think people are saying that there's anything wrong with just treating your own child & not their spouse as well.

But if you give them money & they spend some on their OH, that's their decision isn't it?

You can't make them spend it all on themselves!

Wait…. Is this the same MIL/DIL person that’s been routinely posting bizarre crap (including that godawful “reverse?”

It’s a lovely thing to want and be able to do for your son.
i have a son & a daughter & id like one day to be able to gift them money or something just for them.
but…. He may felt it would cause some friction between he & his wife & perhaps between you and DIL,had he gone & spent that on himself ..,, I get it, he’s your son & your gift, maybe that was part of his rationale? Or maybe he wanted to appreciate his wife but also didn’t have the means to gift that so shared between them?
it’s tricky…. Maybe if you feel I’m future you’d like to gift him something, do some digging and purchase an experience or something that is clearly very much just for him
I’m not sure saying too much would achieve a great deal positively.
maybe as previous poster suggested saying it’s nice that you shared the gift with your wife… kind reiterating that it was just for him but you understand his thought process ?

Don't say anything to him. This is between them.

Why don't you roll the dice and find out? You clearly want to know one way or another.

I suspect it won't only be your DIL that is hurt but again you are itching to say something so go ahead, just don't start weeping and wailing if you don't like the result.

If it were me and my husband and presumably if she’s on maternity leave, treat money is less, he would want to share it.

I don’t think either of us would feel right time or money wise not sharing it. It would benefit my husband to know I had a proper break and it wouldn’t bother him at all if it wasn’t split down the middle or more for him, if his chosen activity didn’t need as much money.

It benefits your son twice now now- once for himself and once for his wife being happier. You obviously have a good relationship with them and they were very grateful, I wouldn’t risk that at all over money. If you want to treat just him, I’d offer to pay for a specific thing he’s mentioned that he wants to do but is reluctant or can’t money wise or plan a mother/son day out.

@Autumnalsun Depends entirely on the amount. My Mum transferred £20 to me on my birthday to get a little treat (we'd already done an experience together a few weeks beforehand that she'd paid for as my present).

I bought myself some cashmere wrist warmers in the sale.

Had it been £200, or £500, or more, there'd have been nothing I wanted just for myself for that value so I'd have just been buying something needlessly when I'd much rather spend that amount doing something nice with or for my Husband and Son.

You definitely can’t say anything now. Next time I would buy a gift if you want it just for him.

Any decent partner would also share with his wife and recognize that without her my job would be even a lot harder. Not hoard it all for himself and reap all the benefits of a lads night out or wherever he goes while his poor wife isn't recognized and treated at all. If my husband received money from his mum for working hard as a father and he didn't share with me AT ALL in recognizing that parenthood is a team effort and without me his job would be even harder I would think a hell of a lot less of him and feel so underappreciated. I would probably tell him, "ok since you take what I do in motherhood and as a wife for granted and you clearly think it's so easy because I clearly you don't find me worthy of a treat but you find yourself worthy as one I am booking myself a solo girl's trip next weekend and the kids are all yours for the weekend," Let him experience a weekend of running after children, wiping butts, feedings, screaming with no help.

As you can probably already tell I'm sure I have zero I mean absolutely zero tolerance for men being recognized in their role as fatherhood while the mom is taking for granted and not recognized for her role in motherhood. Fathers get praised simply for showing up as a father and doing what is expected of them while woman it's just somehow expected of them and they never get treated for it.

Huge shame on MIL for buying into that nonsense and as a once young mother herself.

Giving a gift to a mother of children is not the same as giving a gift to a father of children. Women's bodies are irrevocably changed. There's also a gender pay gap!

What OP's son did is the kind of thing that makes for a happy marriage. Not because the DIL is demanding. But because she'll be all sleek and relaxed and have 'her time' and he'll be renewed and relaxed by having 'him time'. Then they'll be able to bring that refreshment and energy to their marriage. That's giving him the gift of more happiness in his marriage.

It's very strange to attach conditions. What if he bought a 600 pound bottle of vintage champagne; would he have to drink it alone?

You're being weird about this tbh. If my MIL did this (and we get on amazingly), my DH would definitely see it as joint treat money or would spend it on our family despite anything I said (or MIL said) so I think just assume he's made his own decision how to spend it...

You bringing it up is just going to make him feel like he doesn't want your strings attached gifts anymore and yes he may well relay this weird convo with you to your DIL (mine would lol)

Just accept that he has chosen how to spend it, and if you don't like it then don't gift him any more money

OP I think it would be different if you gifted him something special “just for him” for his birthday or a special occasion that is specific to him. However they are both working hard at the moment and you purposely made a point to give a divisive gift with a snarky point.

if you want to treat him, just him, do it for something that only he did.

Also in your OP you say that women often treat themselves and not men. I could not disagree with you more. Men spend more time on hobbies after having children, have more expensive hobbies and spend more time out with friends without their children in tow. There are statistics on this, but in my experience it is very much the case.

You gave him money to spend on something he likes. He likes his wife.

You are trying to get inbetween them, that is obvious. You are trying to stir the pot. You asked for opinions but will not accept them and keep repeating yourself. Why do I suspect that's your permanent position, away from an Internet forum. You think you're being nice. You are not. You are actually coming across as quite obnoxious.

Carry on the way you are and wait for them all to go no contact. That's what is probable if you pursue this with them. That or you will ruin your son's marriage.

Then again, I get the impression you'd like to edge the DIL out, now you're done with her performance as your incubator to produce grandkids. All this about "she's sweet and lovely" doesn't wash. You're just saying that so people will say what you want. I know manipulation when I see it.

Your assumptions about your DIL and how she came to receive a portion of the gift are most ungenerous. Whilst you say you adore her etc, actually you've made some pretty horrible comments about her. That you think she has coerced your son into handing over some of the money, that you think she's taken the lion's share for herself, that you think she has ulterior motives even when she thanked you and was actually trying to stamp her authority.

I'm trying to imagine how this would play out in my family. If my DH received a substantial financial gift from his parent for working hard and being such a great dad, I'm pretty sure he would feel extremely awkward about it. He would feel like, nice as that is to hear, we are a very solid unit and are both working extremely hard and being great parents as a team and I don't think he'd appreciate me being pointedly excluded from the gesture. So I'm fairly sure he would just say "my mum gave us a gift because we're working hard" and I would never know it had actually just been intended for him. I would do exactly the same if I were given a gift like this by my parents. My husband works so hard it would feel awful and icky to receive recognition like this and not him. We are working together.

Gifts with conditions attached aren’t really gifts in the true sense, no matter how ‘good’ your intentions OP.
You have no idea how the decision was made on what he used the money for, so don’t say anything to your DIL other than ‘that sounds like a great plan, enjoy yourselves’ and next time give a gift that’s more specific to him if that’s your primary goal

Whilst I can perhaps understand your feelings, I think if you give a cheque to someone then it’s down to them how they spend it. Your son has decided to share the gift.

If you had expressly wanted to give something just for him then you should really have asked him for something special that he would want and bought it for him.

If you now try and clarify that this money was just for him you really will open a can of worms and cause upset that surely isn’t worth it. You can obviously afford this monetary gift, so perhaps just let it go now. After all your son decided to share with his wife and that was his decision. It was your decision to send him money and not buy him something specific and it’s been his decision to share it.

I'd have wanted my XH to spend it on himself if MIL had gifted him money for that purpose. However gifts shouldn't come with strings attached and this is what he's decided to do. My ex ILs always gave their children much bigger presents at birthdays and christmas then their SIL and DIL, this is probably a more diplomatic way to treat your son if you're worried about DILs feelings, never bothered me at least. If you want it spent just on him I'd buy him a gift instead of giving cash.

If my MIL did this then my DH would hand me the money. Your DIL sounds lovely and I would just let her have the spa day - you're making multiple people happy so surely that's a good thing?

Do you have any reason to suspect that your sweet DIL is actually controlling or financially abusive OP? Is your son regularly browbeaten by her into putting himself last?

Assuming not - then sharing the gift was your son’s choice. He could have kept it all if he wanted to, but he didn’t. Even if he gave her most of it, that’s still his choice. Why shouldn’t he be able to spend it how he wants? Why do you have a problem with this?

You aren’t just criticising your DIL here. You’re also criticising your DS and suggesting he’s some kind of henpecked husband, rather than a nice husband who chose to treat his wife.

OP does it seem worse because the money isn’t going on a ‘thing’, would you feel different if it was being spent on two new sun loungers or whatever that would still benefit your DIL?

I did tell him it was meant just for him yet he chose to split it with my DIL