AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

I'd let this one go, and actually feel proud that he shared the gift. However, if you want to do this again in future and ensure he gets something just for him, then you could take him shopping or ask in advance what he would like and buy that.

*to add to PP, I also didn’t get any birthday card this year!

It also was my husbands choice in how to use the money, but he would never decide to splurge on himself instead of us as a family.

I guess it is possible my son offered some to his wife and she decided to use her half for a spa day.

What else do you think is more likely?? Are you accusing her of taking the money from your son? Cos that's what it sounds like.

No to all of this. 98% of people o the post thing you are being unreasonable. This post is from the 2%.

I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong if you say something.

So if your parents gave you money for your birthday or because you’ve had a well deserved job promotion etc you would automatically share all of it?

Most people give money instead of gifts, so the person can buy what they want with it.

If they wanted it to be family money, then they would give it to both adults.

It obviously depends on financial circumstances and how much money has been gifted but I would insist that my DP spent his money on himself.

If he’s so desperate to share it, then I’d ask for a token gift or spend it on an experience we can share together.

I enjoy sharing my money and gifts but if someone gives me money then I understand they want me to spend it on myself.
I would treat my DP/DC but I wouldn’t just give away all of my birthday money.
I would do a shared experience or give them a small amount and spend the rest on myself.

Honestly Op you sound just like my MIL.

If she gave my husband money & he spent some on me she'd swear blind I'd forced him into it.

Sorry that seems really mean, they have a two year old and a 6 month old. Your DIL is probably exhausted and your son has recognised that and treated her (as she deserves!) seems like you’re jealous tbh

It’s got nothing to do what your son spends it on. Stop trying to cause trouble. They are a team and he can spend the money on whoever or whatever he wants.

Same. I don't OP. Is being generous at all. A gift with that many strings attached is no gift at all.

The DIL will be posting on MN at the least...
You are totally out of order OP to push this. Why would you think your DS wouldn't want to share this "gift" with his wife?

Writing back like this would be ridiculous imo.

Once you have given the gift then its up to him what he wants to do with it. By all means have a chat with your son if your intention is to sour your relationship with both of them.

Be happy you raised a son who includes his wife and doesn't hide thins away from her or is totally selfish as we read about so many times on MN

That was a lovely gesture and you all sound lovely. How nice of your DIL to message with such a sweet message. To be honest we often get gifts from both parents, his and mine. I think it would be so strange for me to spend £600 on just myself and not share with my family, we are a unit. I would want to share it with my family on a little trip or something nice for us all. It would feel weird to just spend it all on myself, perhaps your son feels the some. He sounds lovely too!

If they gave me £50 in a card for my birthday I wouldn't automatically share that no, but when sums have been north of £500, yes, I would automatically share it with him. It's exciting to discuss how we'd spend that money together. I couldn't imagine keeping that money all to myself, it would feel mean

OP, you have to let this go. And don’t say anything to your son or DIL. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this sort of petty thing can ruin your relationship with your son and DIL for a very long time.

Is the cheque made out to just him? Then he must be the one who put it in his own personal account and chose to share it with his wife. My mum gave me an amount of money many times bigger than £600 and I shared it with Dh (we put it towards our joint mortgage). Because that’s what I wanted to do and it was my money. If my mum had taken issue would that, I would have been really confused.

Did you son message to say thank you? If he was so appreciative of the gift, he should be the one thanking you. Not delegating the work to his wife to do.

Have you actually read your own posts back? Because if you have and you cannot see what is fundamentally wrong with them, then I just don’t know how to put it into a language you’ll understand.
You gifted your son some cash, he has a FAMILY! You gifted him cash. Gifted. Not “loaned” for a specific purpose, which means the money is his to do what he wants with. And what he wants, is to treat his family.
How vile do you have to be to gift him a substantial sum, but then kick off that he hasn’t kept it from his partner and kids?? Doing that would make your son a horrible person.
It’s none of your business what he does with it. And you can bleat on all you like about how much you like his partner-but you clearly do not
Stop treating your son like he’s a child. You can’t tell him what to do anymore, he’s a grown man with a family.
Next tie you want to gift him some money, perhaps you should write down a list of conditions, things he Isn’t allowed to do with his “gift”. I can tell you right now, your relationship with him will deteriorate if you say anything. His family comes before you now.

this isn’t a hill to die on, OP. You sound like a bit of a twat to be honest. Give the gift or don’t. It’s none of your business how he spends it. Sending pointed passive aggressive texts to your DIL will do you no favours in the long run. Grow up.

Just be proud that you have such a generous hearted son. He is sharing it because he loves his wife. Be happy! You have so much going well for you in this situation.

This. Absolute twat.

If there's anything about them they'll fall about laughing at this nonsense.

I think your son and his wife have the measure of you, OP. They are managing you. I'm really pleased for them both.

I don’t think I’d be able to bite my tongue in your situation and I’d say to my son that I’d really hope that the £600 gift would go on more than a night out with the lads. Next time I’d ask him specifically what he wanted and pay for it rather than give cash.