AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Sorry op, but you really are being hard work. You are in the wrong. Accept it and move on. Be glad of the lovely son and dil and grandchildren you have.

THIS! He could only work hard because his wife was picking up the slack at home! She deserves a break too!!

You've brought up a kind and loving human. Don't try and undo this.

That they are a financial unit/team since they are married. Guess I’m no longer allowed to financially recognize my son as an individual.

Well, you can- but you have to also recognise that he has a wife and family now. He isn’t an individual financially from a legal point of view. And he may not be one from his own point of view- have you asked him, do you know how they do finances?

I guess it is possible my son offered some to his wife and she decided to use her half for a spa day.

For me it’s telling that this is a “I guess it’s possible” rather than “I imagine my son offered because he’s so lovely and so in love with my lovely DiL”. Your immediate go-to is that she sees the cheque and demands a share of it for herself. That’s a pretty negative place to be standing, as nothing you have said would suggest you have grounds to think this.

You do seem very cross that no-one here thinks like you do. You’re perfectly entitled to your opinion, but you came here to ask AIBU and yes, the consensus is that you are! You can either Labour the point that this was a gift “just for your son” OR you can stay friends with your DiL. Withdrawing her spa day now would be unkind and mean spirited. Just respond graciously, and accept that your son has a different point of view about this sort of gift than you have.

OP , almost all of your posts refer to 'mother and son' or ' mother to son'; it comes across as if you still see him as your possession, and the DIL and children are a separate unit. It feels like you are saying the gift is for him but not for her with a sneer. I would have thought that your DIL, if she were to find out the substantial monetary gift was purely for him for ' his hard work',. she would be justifiably upset and feel undervalued. To give such a gift is simply interfering under the guise of kindness, and could damage your relationship with your DIL and the grandchildren. She might well feel why should she put herself out to have you round for coffee and to see the children as you do not value her part of the family.
If I were your DIL, you would find your visits a little less warm and welcoming; a bit more detached and duty,

I'd have been proud that he chose to share it.

For a good proportion of my early marriage times were financially very very tough. For Christmas and birthday I would ask for money and spend it on the car MOT and tax. For several years I had nothing nice, new or the opportunity to do nice things. Meanwhile DHs mum would pepper him with alsorts of very expensive treats. She would also at times then complain of having no money 🤔. It drove a decide in our relationship, made it unequal and gradually erroded my care for my MIL. DH eventually got it (or we would have divorced) MIL never did.

To be honest doing something WITH my husband and/or kids is what I would WANT to do.

For £600 I would take all of us on holiday.

Fuck would I want to spend it on the car, thats not a treat thats usually a necessary bill.

Even my family member thats super into cars and does all the car meets doesn't really need £600 to spend on the car to do it up. The whole point of being a car enthusiast is you get the rush of going round auctions or salvage yards etc... finding the specific cool bits for a bargain and do all the work building it yourself to make it unique and special.

WTF @BySassyUmberPeer

Stop replying to people who want you to fuck up your relationship with your DIL and by association your DS and GC.

Are you a drama llama OP? Do you always want to be the centre of attention?

WTF would you not want your DS's family to benefit from the money you gave him as a 'gift'?

You are coming across as a spoilt teenager who is stamping her feet as it hasn't gone to your plan.

Just grow up OP

Yes, it's been on Gransnet, both from the 'MIL' and the 'DIL' separately.

You are making a huge assumption that she decided the money would be shared, implying that she is controlling in some way. That's a massive reach given you've said she is lovely and dotes on your son. He clearly adores her too and wanted to share it. Do not under any circumstances go back and say "actually it was just for ds" it will make her feel like shit and it will annoy him too. Gifts should never be conditional. If you want to get him something just for him next time ask him what he wants and buy it.

@BySassyUmberPeer it's a lovely sentiment, but you have to let this one go. Next time ask if there's a particular thing he'd like and 'buy' it for him with a nice little card.
You have no control over money given though.

Hi DS, that’s really lovely that you’ve chosen to spend some of your gift money on DIL. Please don’t forget to treat yourself though, I really wanted you to use it to treat yourself to something nice. I’d be happy to babysit whatever you choose to do. Love Mum x

Haha my mil did this to me. Since all the wedding gifts were for me only - I suppose dh wasn’t going to use bath towels and pots and pans - my mil gave him a piece of art that was for him Only. She very clearly stated it was for him only. I told her I wouldn’t look at it! That was the start in a long line of grievances. Yeah do it. But don’t expect a lovely relationship with her any more. For one thing do you realize how embarrassing this would be for her?

Once a gift of money is given, it’s up to the giftee how it’s spent. None of your business.

You're being mean and sexist too.

I understand how you feel, OP. My mum was very generous with giving us money over the years, and there were times when she gave my husband money as well as me, but there were other times when she gave me money that she wanted me to spend on myself. If she had given me a similar amount to what you've given your son, and had said irmwas just for me, she would have been happy for me to have taken my husband out for a meal or something similar, but she would have wanted me to spend the rest on things for myself that I would not normally have bought.

Would you have rather she'd said nothing?

You have presumably raised a kind and considerate son who wouldn't dream of keeping that kind of money for himself So just appreciate the thank yous

Then, in future, spend 5x as much on his birthday and Christmas presents as hers

That'll make your point for you...

OP I don’t understand how you’ve gone from saying your DIL is really lovely and well you get on with her, to assuming she’s behind the splitting of the money? Surely the obvious answer is that your son received the money and said ‘my mum has sent x amount, what shall we do with it?’

I would never jump to the conclusion you have, I’m struggling to see how you’ve arrived there.

I get this concept and mostly agree. But say my mum gave me money for a washing machine and I spent it on a spa day for
my DH, that would be a bit shit. I know it’s different but she did kind of specify what she wanted him to do with it. I think it’s lovely he treated his wife but he shouldn’t forget to treat himself.

Ugh. My MIL liked to gift her son too. I wouldn't get so much as a birthday card but she always had plenty to spend on her sons - usually expensive furniture that there was no room for in the house. It was her way of asserting herself and dividing us. They couldn't say No and it created resentment.

My MiL did this but with more money. I think she doesn’t quite understand that the money is actually very helpful for things that are ‘extra’.

We used it towards a family holiday, rather than the watch she suggested..

I think she’s a bit out of touch on how expensive and difficult it is for parents to do things and afford things atm!

Perhaps write back and say you “didn’t need her to thank you as the gift was really for Ds. That was nice of her though to be so polite”. You’ll be “in a position to get her a gift too at some other time hopefully and hope to be able to spend as much on her”. She knows then that it was for him but won’t feel you don’t think she’s unworthy of rewarding too. Then if you really don’t want to gift her anything- forget all about it. I’m sure she’ll never remind you. Just say money’s suddenly more tight if so. Then in future ask add what he’d like if you want to gift him again and buy it in person. I get wanting to give to your own child and not someone else’s. That’s her parents job to treat her. Unless you’re a very wealthy woman indeed- in which case you’ll look mean if you only treat your son. So much depends on who’s the better off - you or them.

I think if you want your son to have something just for him in future it's best to buy it directly.

I was recently given £1000 for something just for me. I paid off the credit card. My treat was not panicking about being in so much dept. I'm not sure the gift giver would have been impressed but it gave me more peace than a designer handbag.

This post is hilarious.

You are upset because you raised a caring, thoughtful son who when given a gift SHARED it with HIS family and treated his wife.

Are you familiar about how marriage works? You may have raised him and you may be his mom but she is his WIFE who from all accounts is a lovely girl and mother. Get your head around he is choosing his family over you in this situation every time.

Nice to be generous but jeez cut the apron strings. 98% of people on here think you are being unreasonable. Basically everyone.