AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

He probably would have felt mean keeping the money just for himself. Next time I would not give money, but rather a voucher for a shop that you know only sells something that he would want, and not your DiL.

You shouldn't say anything if you value your relationship with your son and GC. If my MIL did that then she would be on the outs so fast. I am the breadwinner and in charge of the finances though so it might be different if DH earned more than me.

Both our parents recognise us as financial individuals, his parents gift to him and mine to me.
And then we make decisions. Neither set of parents would dream of chastising us for what the outcome was.

Think long term here. Once you give a gift to anybody it's theirs to do with as they please. That's all that's happened here. If you make a thing of it then you won't be told what happens with your gifts in future and things won't be as pleasant with your DIL. Is that what you really want? Leaving aside the "I should be allowed to treat my son" and the ins and outs of it. It's his decision as an adult.

That's very stingy, and divisive unless Christmas or birthday

[Should] I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Go for it. Come back and update us.

You've raised a man who loves his wife a wants to spend his money looking after her. Be proud. Don't go making poblems is my advice.

He’s a grown up with a wife and two DC. He works and earns his own money. If you want to give your DS a gift just because then buy him a gift! If you give him money, he gets to choose how to spend it. You don’t get to dictate how he uses it. He’s not a 9 year old wasting his pocket money on in app purchases or a 14 year old choosing to spend all his birthday money on a present for his girlfriend!

I've had some great spa days for around £100 so it definitely doesn't mean she got the majority.

It's a bit strange if you know both people in a couple and you give only one of them a large gift to celebrate their efforts as a new parent! In healthy marriages you tend to celebrate most good fortune - I've spent part of my work bonuses on treats for DP before, even though he didn't contribute to my work and he's spent Christmas gifts from MIL on joint treats. If I give my friends a bottle of champagne, I'd be a bit sad if I found out their partner had the whole bottle, but completely unbothered if they shared it as a couple. If he'd spent it all on DIL and none on himself I'd understand your point but this isn't the case.

"... Does it seem contradictory to say I really love and value my DIL and like her a lot but also just want my son solely to benefit and acknowledge his hard work and in this one thing not want my DIL to have a big event just for herself?..."

That does sound a little strange to me.

"... Also how do I respond to posters saying well once you give the money it’s up to the received how to spend it and maybe my son wanted to treat his wife to the spa?"

You don't need to respond to anybody. This isn't a competitive debate that can be won or lost by one side or the other.

Although I'd follow the advice of other posters saying FFS don't raise this any further with either your son or his wife.

Let sleeping dogs lie...

Fine, but what if your son wants to treat his wife too. I think what he's done is entirely appropriate. They're both working hard and exhausted, and he thinks they both deserve a treat.
If my mum gave me £600 to treat myself, I'd want to treat DH too because he works so hard for the family. I'd genuinely feel bad keeping the money for myself. We're a team.

I do understand the OP's point of view. . My MIL used to give my husband a cheque for £1,000 every Xmas. I always got on very well with her, but I understood that this was a present for him. I never asked how he spent it (nor did she, to be fair). I think mostly he invested it, tho.

So you think that your DIL is special, but your son is more special?

That him doing what a good husband and father should do is worthy of respect and financial reward but when your DIL is a good wife and mother she isn't?

Newsflash, your son recognises that his wife makes the same if not greater contribution to the family, and he loves and respects her enough to want to share it.

PS And why are you so sure that the spa day means DIL is getting the lion's share of the money? DS is having 'a guys' night' - that could mean a LOT more than just the few beers that you seem convinced is all he's getting.

Can't wait for OP's next post on here, 'why did my son cut me off after I told his wife I didn't want her spending money I gave him?'
I reckon it's a bot. Only responding to posts that agree with it, asking how to respond to other posters...either that or a bit dim (which given the original post, checks out).

My ex parents in law gave my ex husband £5K for Christmas one year and me….. a DVD. Husband (now ex) banked it for himself as his parents us both it was for him only not me and not the children. I never forgave them. Bugger me for raising the kids and looking after their son. It was awful, awful, awful.

If I receive a financial sum from my family I share it with my husband and vice versa. I would not feel comfortable hoarding that money away for myself and get more joy out treating my partner then spending it just on myself anyway. Sounds like they have a balanced healthy relationship, please respect that. I say this as someone who is extremely close to my MIL. I adore her but if she gave money to her son and told him to spend it on himself only I'd question why she said or did that, it would come across as cold imo

With all due respect, you are his mother, but he has a wife. There was no reason for you to give him money, it's obvious that he would want to share it with his wife. You could simply have bought him a gift. You've created this weird situation for no reason.

I think when you give a gift you can not choose/decide what the other person does with it. Either you give it happily without conditions or you don’t give anything

If my mum gave me a chunk like thay, first thing l would do is ask DH how we can spend it because we are a family and l wouldn't enjoy it knowing it was only me receiving it.

Nope I don’t think it makes any difference. My mum is wealthy and often makes cash gifts to DH and I - they are ALWAYS for both of us, a bank transfer into our joint account, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Presumably your son and DIL’s finances are shared.

I also don’t understand why you seem to be laying all the blame for this at your DIL’s door. Is it not likely that your son never mentioned to her what you said about the money being just for him (probably because he knew it would cast you in a rather bad light).

If you want to treat your son, you’d be better off just buying him a present or a voucher. I would probably be discrete and keep a bit of a cap on the value though - you don’t want it to seem like you are snubbing your DIL.

It’s a difficult one, any time my mum or late MIL gave us a substantial amount of money we would have used it towards a family holiday or a weekend away for the two of us.

you could always text back “oh that was kind of ds to share his gift with you. Enjoy your spa day”

then next time make sure you specify that the gift is for ds only.

' a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father'

interesting that the Op @BySassyUmberPeer doesn't recognise his hard work as a husband

which one would think he was before he became a father...

I think if you are going to give your son a cheque you can't dictate how they spend it
As a parent whose never really been financially stable ,if someone gave me an unexpected cheque ,I would struggle to just spend it on myself I think automatically I would spend on something my family would enjoy.

You are obviously hell bent on saying your piece and upsetting your DIL. You’ve been told by an overwhelming majority of people not to rock the boat, but you want to anyway. Very controlling behaviour. If you really want to jeopardise the good relationship you have with your DIL and GC for $600, then knock yourself out.

Yabvu

If I was given that even with a stipulation it was just for me, I would still share it with my husband.