AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

I can also truly love and value my DIL and me being irritated that she used the money for a spa day doesn’t automatically mean I hate her or don’t like her.

you seem to think that she has some how forced this on ds and she is getting some extravagant day out and he’s getting a pint.

realistically what has likely happened, which happens in the majority of normal functioning relationships, is he will have suggested sharing it, as many people have before, most people don’t want to be selfish and spend 600 on themselves when they have a family, it brings them joy to share things with the ones they love.

He can spend it on whatever he likes. And presumably he likes his wife and children so is sharing it with them.
If her mum gave the same amount as a gift, how would you feel if she didn't want to share it with your son and grandchildren? Even if there were financial strains and debts/bills that needed paying.
That she was selfish? Good job your son isn't like that isn't it?

I’m pretty sure my Dh would share his gift with me. I would if it was the other way around. Was really kind of you by the way.

Chalk this one down to experience and in future get your son something he cannot share so easily.

@BySassyUmberPeer
JUST STOP.
DO NOT SEND DIL A TEXT.

FFS OP are you a bit stupid? The vast majority of people are saying do not send DIL a text, yet you are only responding to the very few who are goading you to jepordise your relationship with your DIL.

My mum is typically very stingey but she came into some money and gave us all a
£400 each.

She actually said it’s for being good parents and to spend it on ourselves as we do so much for our kids 😂😂

She didn’t want my sister even telling her DH, let alone giving him any lol.

I thought it was a bit harsh of her at the time but now I’m older and my DDs older, I would feel the same as my mum.

Yabu, firstly for rewarding your precious little prince for just being a dad and doing what he should be doing. Secondly for assuming he’s been strong armed into going on a spa day with his wife, my OH loves a spa day and it’s nice to get away from the kids and relax. Should he have booked it just for himself even though I bet he’s thrilled to get some quality time with his wife?

So far 95% think yabu, I think at this point you just need to accept that with a good grace. All you need to message back is 'You're welcome, I know it's been busy lately, at work and home, and I hope you have a lovely time.'

Done, no need for any drama.

If your son was a student and this was his GF of a few months or say a year - totally understandable.

Except it’s not. She is his wife and the mother of his children.

Whatever you intended, it’s too late this time, the ship has sailed.

You need to get over it.

If you want to humiliate your daughter in law and ruin your relationship then yes make a point of it! Otherwise Be the Good MIL and enjoy that feeling that 2 exhausted people get something they’ll enjoy.
And you’ve raised a good sharing man so well done for that!

I really don't think you should tell then it was only meant for him. It will not go down well.

Next time, specify if it's just for him!

OP YABU. You keep going on about how it is different for Mothers and daughters but I can tell you it is not. Firstly if ever you give money to any of your children it is important to give all your children the same amount and when you give them the money you should expect them to share it with their OHs.
We have given both our children money and both they and their OHs have thanked us. Of course they shared it. I would not buy my daughter jewellery. I would rather they have something to share.
My husband and I have always shared money and were practical, gifts. I really do think you might be one of those MILs who want to keep a relationship with their son that is more important or equal to the one your son has with his wife.
Do you a yourself have a OH? Would you not share? Maybe that is the problem?

You have two misguided assumptions here…

1. You’ve no idea what it means to be a man and head of the family… be proud that your son does

2. You’re unwilling to acknowledge that being married with his own children inevitability changes the primacy of your relationship. Any memories of how that happened in your own marriage?

Stop being so controlling and be happy for your son being in a good space.

I look forward to the “my DIL won’t let me see my grandkids and I have no idea why” thread in the future as clearly the OP (if the thread is true) is not prepared to do nothing and is readying herself for telling her DIL that sorry, her husband may be a grown man but mummy still gets to dictate how he spends his money.

You gave the money to your DS, and said it was for him. He has decided to share it with DIL. That’s up to him. Once you had gifted him the money it was his to do whatever he chose with. You might not like it but you have to accept it.

All of your posts say 'I don't want people to think I'm the bad guy!!!😥...but also, I want to be the bad guy! 😈'

I'm sad for you because you won't be as close to any of them, including your son if you carry on like this!!!

It reminds me of when my MIL told DH not to believe I was pregnant till I got to three months. She then called to tell him it wasn't a big deal that I had a miscarriage at three months and it wasn't 'real'. He doesn't normally say anything but he was very quick to say 'It felt pretty real when we were in hospital!' He had just supported me through a really physically painful process and emotionally supported me through the fall out. Was she just trying to comfort her son, probably but her complete lack of empathy and respect for me, the woman he chose to share his life with made him lose respect for her. Don't underestimate the importance of his wife to him would be my advice.

Have you posted about your DIL a few times before, OP? The last time as a reverse from her perspective?

The use of ‘mom’ and the nature of your responses (lots of slightly odd questions) is very similar indeed.

Unless you genuinely think that his wife has forced him to share the money (does she have form for this?) it’s likely that he’s chosen to share it with her. He sounds like a good man who loves his wife and wanted to acknowledge that they have both been stressed and busy and this money would allow them to decompress in ways they enjoy (spa day and night out with the guys). Why does it upset you so much that he wanted to share it with her? You should feel proud that he values his wife so much.

Say nothing.

His choice how to spend it

95% of posters are advising you to let this go, and you’re still considering throwing a hand grenade into your relationship with your dil, which will more than likely alienate your ds too. Seriously op?

Even if (worst case scenario) dil is coercively controlling your ds and forcing him to hand over your gift, and then rubbing your nose in it with that text (which is massively unlikely) then there are much more emotionally literate ways to support your ds going forward. There is no good outcome for anyone if you challenge this.

When you gift someone money it's up to THEM what they do with it.

Your son clearly chose to share it. He knew it was for him but he clearly wanted to share it with his wife.

I can understand that, personally. If I was gifted a bit of cash and didn't really want anything, I'd get just as much pleasure from gifting something to my other half than spending it on myself, especially if they needed it. Maybe he's really happy to be able to send her on a spa day? Maybe all he wants right now is a night out with his friends?

It's not up to you to criticise his decision.

Just tell her she's very welcome and move on.

This. My Mil sometimes give my Dh money. I do not see it as mine and neither does he. I think your son probably told your Dil that "look what mum gave us" because he's a generous man and he wants you to look good to his wife. So they both talk about what they want to do, for him it's night with the boys, for her it's spa. And she thanks you politely. End of story. You telling her "it's just for my son" will really f€%& up things in their household and hurt your Dil. Just don't do it!
And my Mil does occasionally give me gifts as well so I never feel "left out" when she offers whatever to my DH. My mum is deceased long time ago so I think I would feel sad if only he got things all the time even though she's by no means obliged to give me anything. And I always think about her, gifting things I know she'll love and helping the children to give her things as well so it goes both ways.

Interesting bc everyone on here seems to have a dissenting opinion and says money as a gift isn’t up for the giver how it’s used but up to the receiver how to use it. That they are a financial unit/team since they are married. Guess I’m no longer allowed to financially recognize my son as an individual.

I guess it is possible my son offered some to his wife and she decided to use her half for a spa day.

bow do you feel that your MIL doesn’t want you to benefit from it? Has it caused a rift in your relationship? Does she ever do anything just for you specifically as well?

Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves in what world!? Please tell me as I'd like to live there.

Either it's a gift of money to spend on something he likes, or it isn't. He obviously likes sharing good fortune with his wife.
If you wanted to give him something for himself you could have asked him what he wanted and ordered it.
For goodness sake don't try and unwind this situation - you will look mean and vindictive.