AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Then the problem is between you and him, not her. He decided to give some to his wife, which is his choice. She should not be made to feel uncomfortable about this now, she might not even know you told him it was just for him, unless you said it in front of her.

I think next time you ask him what he would like and buy the actual thing for him rather than give money if it was important to you that it was just for him. I think if you make a big deal of him giving her some of the money, you come across as her saying she felt she was entitled to some of it when they might not be the case. He may have been wanting to treat her to something nice and this money allowed him to do so. Everyone has benefitted- you have given him the money and feel good about telling him he’s going a good job, he feels good that his mum has recognised his good work and is spending some of the money on himself and his wife feels good as she is also getting a treat?

Please stop giving us boy mums a bad name.

It's bad enough having people stereotype us as the evil MILs!

There is clearly more history, or something you’re not telling us. Why are you assuming she is being like that with her text, why can’t you just take it as it is- a genuine thank you message? The fact you think there’s an undertone to what she’s saying, and she’s making a dig, shows there’s more to this.

Also the fact you’re saying she’s got “the chunk of it” is just made up. You can EASILY get a spa day for far less than £300. You’re just assuming she’s got way more than half. You just sound like you want to be annoyed with her.

I feel like women are always told to take time for themselves and men aren't
🤣🤣🤣

Ahem. Yes sorry OP . I'm in the majority here.
Take him out and buy him something/do something together if you must but saying anything now is likely to cause an enormous rift.

I think it's fine to give something just to your son but you either didn't make this clear to him or you did and he chose to share it with his wife.

With regards to how much your DIL spent I'm sure she could get a spa day for less than $300 even less, it's not an overnight stay is it? I've had spa days for under $200. It could just be a few hours for all you know.

Unless she's quite spoilt or grabby she should understand your son getting a gift just for him. You're entitled to gift just your son.

If ruining your relationship with your son and DIL and potentially alienating your grandchildren is worth $600 then go ahead and make a fuss about this.
Keep your feelings to yourself and feel pleased that you have raised a generous and thoughtful man.
Next time, if you want to treat just your son, buy him a specific gift. Accept that they see all money as family money.

You seem to be almost assuming that she's somehow financially manipulated him here, which seems quite a stretch.

If you give someone the gift of money they are allowed to do whatever they want with it, and presumably your son wants to share the gift. I also think you are wrong to expect your son to spend the money solely on himself. He is a married man with a family, no longer your little boy, and his family come before you I'm afraid. If my PILs had given money to my DH and insisted he spend it only on himself I would be less than impressed - and my parents would never be so crass. If you want your son to have something special then you give him an actual gift, not money.

Once you've given a gift you have no say over how it's used. It's up to the recipient to use it how they want to.

You see your son is working hard etc, and you feel he needs a treat. Your son has seen that his wife is doing as much (maybe more) than he is and also deserves the treat. It's seems you've brought up an empathic man !

Well it might. But your options are either don't say anything and be annoyed about it, or say something and possibly risk upsetting DIL. Which one is easier for you to deal with?

True, you can get far less expensive spa days than that. Plus 'a few beers', does it mean that? Beer isn't cheap anyway, plus they might do an activity or go to a casino or something? Food? And maybe a lot more than a few beers.

Speaking as both a son and a husband I'd find it really odd if my mother gave me a present meant only for me just "for working hard", and I'd certainly share it with my wife.

Individual personal presents are OK for birthdays and Christmas, but "for working hard"?!? That's weird and out of place.

And if my mother had then raised with me that it had been intended only for me, I'd tell her that I'd decided to share it. Once a gift is given the donee loses control of it.

If the OP wants to reply to DiL's text simply say "Oh that's all right - hope you both enjoy what you do".

I think saying anything else to either the son or DiL would be asking for trouble...

FFS @BySassyUmberPeer
Do not reply to her text saying 'it was meant to be just for my son'

You will jeopardize your relationship with your DIL and almost certainly your DS and GC.
Also you will come across as a moron.

Either the money was a gift to your son and he can choose how to spend it or it was a conditional transaction.

Don't be a vindictive MIL, stirring up trouble when you don't need to.

This reads like it's fake and a set up for an article or something

‘Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?’

Sorry, but this made me laugh. Poor men.

I think it’s great your son has chosen to share your gift - he’s clearly a lot less selfish than a lot of the dads you read about on here. Be proud that you raised a great husband and dad!

yes exactly! But what about all the posters saying I can’t give a gift with strings attached or once given it’s up to my son how it’s spent? Or wjen the posters say if your son is working hard at work your DIL is still working hard inside the home caring for the children. Or why does your son deserve a treat from being a parent but your DIL doesn’t deserve one for the doing the exact same thing?

Does it seem contradictory to say I really love and value my DIL and like her a lot but also just want my son solely to benefit and acknowledge his hard work and in this one thing not want my DIL to have a big event just for herself?

jf you have the words to help me explain that both can be true I can love and value my DIL but want to do just this one thing for my son and that I can also truly love and value my DIL and me being irritated that she used the money for a spa day doesn’t automatically mean I hate her or don’t like her.

Also how do I respond to posters saying well once you give the money it’s up to the received how to spend it and maybe my son wanted to treat his wife to the spa?

Next time you should say to him that you’d like to get him something special, what would he like. Or get him a specific present.

don’t say anything now. It’s not worth it. I’m sure just telling your son how proud you are of him will mean a lot as will having made him and the mother of his children happy.

Does your DIL even know the gift was meant just for your son?
Did you make it clear to BOTH of them first or just your son?
How do you know son hasn't just told her it's a gift from you for both of them?
How do you know your son hasn't insisted his wife takes a share?

Just asking this as you sound pissed off with DIL whereas it's your son that's given her the money. So why aren't you talking to him about it rather than her?

I think yabu.

You gave your son a gift for him and he chose to share it with his wife. Assuming that his wife made him in some way doesn’t say that you like your DIL and is also disrespectful to both of them.

Why assume your son wouldn’t choose on his own accord to share with his wife?

If my father gave me £600, and I chose to use it for the house instead of a spa day, he wouldn’t assume DH forced me too.

You can’t put terms on what someone chooses to do with a gift otherwise it really isn’t a gift.

What is up with all these posts lately making out that their sons are being controlled by their wives by their mums when it sounds like the mums want to control things.

Are you fucking joking - women are always taught to treat themselves…? If only! Society conditions women to put themselves last, especially when wives and mothers. The amount of men who swan off to hobbies, for nights out, without a second thought as their wife is the default parent is unreal. So on that ridiculous assumption yabu!

in terms of the gift - if it was a smaller amount I could see your point maybe but giving such a large amount - I think it’s lovely that they’re both getting to do something to treat themselves when they’re obviously both struggling with the relentlessness of parenting young children. You can feel however you feel about this, but I do think it’s quite mean spirited and spiteful to be annoyed that your DIL is getting to treat herself as well. How shit would it feel to see your husband treat himself to 600 quids worth of treats and you get fuck all! I would be so hurt if I was the DIL in that situation. Such a slap in the face and massive sign that you don’t actually care all that much about her

I noticed that. Americans use “check” so thought maybe OP was Australian or something but this probably makes more sense.

When you give a gift of cash you do not get to dictate what the person does with it. If you wanted him to only have it for himself you should have bought him something that was just for him, and you didn't do that.

Why do you assume that she's spent the majority of the cash on a spa day?

How is it that his 'boys night out' is 'just a couple of beers' - what if its actually damn near a full weekend of going to a game or event, hotel room, dinner, and the following day sleeping in late to recover?

What if her spa weekend means he also gets a weekend of lazing around doing very little and doing what he wants at his own pace too, just hanging out with the kids playing games, watching tv, takeaway for dinner...

You assume a lot, without any actual details. Perhaps he fully understood you wanted the cash to just be for him, but he wanted to share it with his wife, and got her to text the thanks to make the point that he'd shared it despite that, as he doesn't really like you being divisive like this!

You might be quite wealthy but for us $600 is quite a lot for one person to spend on themselves. We don’t spend that for birthdays.
dh has occasionally had up to £200 from his mum for a birthday or Xmas treat but any more than that he’d definitely share with me or we’d do something together.
I also think you’re wrong to assume she’s spending more than half. Spa days can easily be under $300.